The Relationship Advice Thread, by Dr. Calano

[Knight of Iron]

Some things to know:
- I don't have crushes on people until I learn they have a crush on me first.
- Despite this, I really want a romantic relationship.
- I currently do not have a crush on anyone who has a crush on me.
- I hardly interact with anyone, ever. I wake up, go to work, don't talk to anyone at work, go home. I occasionally go to church young adult activities, but I'm not really interested in even being friends with anyone there. Outside of this, the majority of my day-to-day socialization is online.

Any ideas on how to reconcile any of these with each other?

[Shadowed]

Purely hypothetically, what does one do when one finds oneself in a friendship group full of super loud outgoing and unashamed people and all you want to do is read and quietly chat to someone but the rest of the friend group are loud and boisterous and get you kicked out of the cafeteria every other lunchtime for being too rowdy?

The simple solution to this is to talk to them about it, but most of them (bar one) are completely oblivious to my attempts and seem to find it easier to just pretend I don’t exist at all.

Okay, that turned into more of a rant than I expected. Sorry if that’s not how this thread was intended, but here it is anyway

[Medium he/they]

On 1/1/2023 at 7:59 PM, Knight of Iron said:

Some things to know:
- I don't have crushes on people until I learn they have a crush on me first.
- Despite this, I really want a romantic relationship.
- I currently do not have a crush on anyone who has a crush on me.
- I hardly interact with anyone, ever. I wake up, go to work, don't talk to anyone at work, go home. I occasionally go to church young adult activities, but I'm not really interested in even being friends with anyone there. Outside of this, the majority of my day-to-day socialization is online.

Any ideas on how to reconcile any of these with each other?

I'd say you're very comfortably in your own comfort zone, but if you want to get what you want, you'll have to step a little bit outside your comfort zone. Talk to people, build relationships. You're living your life, going through the motions, and yeah, it's a way to live. But it's not the best way to live. If you want a romantic relationship, or at least a friend, you'll have to start somewhere. Start talking to people, build up those relationships.

I don't know if something happened to you in the past to influence this or if you're just like this because you are, but regardless, I hope my advice helps.

On 1/2/2023 at 3:48 AM, Shadowed said:

Purely hypothetically, what does one do when one finds oneself in a friendship group full of super loud outgoing and unashamed people and all you want to do is read and quietly chat to someone but the rest of the friend group are loud and boisterous and get you kicked out of the cafeteria every other lunchtime for being too rowdy?

The simple solution to this is to talk to them about it, but most of them (bar one) are completely oblivious to my attempts and seem to find it easier to just pretend I don’t exist at all.

Okay, that turned into more of a rant than I expected. Sorry if that’s not how this thread was intended, but here it is anyway

Talk to the one who's not oblivious. Ask them to help you talk to the others. If they continue to ignore you, I'd suggest finding other friends. True friends don't ignore you.

[Sequence she/they]

I has question.

How to subtly ask human being to go on a romantic cool trip to Paris with you.

How.

I require knowledge.

[Szeth's Facepalm]

Dr. Calano, i wanna have  a crush on someone but i don't know how to get one. like i don't wanna be in a relationship or anything (i'm too young for that imo L) but i wanna have a crush just cause it's fun to have one. and last person i had a crush on (remember the fencing pm) is being a little rude to me and i stopped having one on her. but i now i don't have anyone to crush on and i am sad cause having a crush on someone was rly fun.

that's more of a rant than a question lol. no need to answer, i just felt like getting it out even though it's stupid.

22 minutes ago, Sequence said:

I has question.

How to subtly ask human being to go on a romantic cool trip to Paris with you.

How.

I require knowledge.

heh

i wish you best of luck cause that sounds literally awesome

[Sequence she/they]

2 minutes ago, Szeth's Facepalm said:

heh

i wish you best of luck cause that sounds literally awesome

BUT WHAT IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO GO

WHAT IF SHE DOESNT LIKE SNAILS

[Szeth's Facepalm]

20 minutes ago, Sequence said:

BUT WHAT IF SHE DOESNT WANT TO GO

WHAT IF SHE DOESNT LIKE SNAILS

sequence, c'mon, everyone likes snails.

also like literally who would turn down a trip to Paris??? if she doesn't want to come, than you've probably dodged a bullet. I would pretend to have a crush on pretty much any of my friends if they took me to Paris. actually i'd probably get a crush on one of my friends if they took me to Paris.

[Sequence she/they]

25 minutes ago, Szeth's Facepalm said:

sequence, c'mon, everyone likes snails.

also like literally who would turn down a trip to Paris??? if she doesn't want to come, than you've probably dodged a bullet. I would pretend to have a crush on pretty much any of my friends if they took me to Paris. actually i'd probably get a crush on one of my friends if they took me to Paris.

This is wise.

BUT.

... I'm still nervous.

[Medium he/they]

18 hours ago, Sequence said:

I has question.

How to subtly ask human being to go on a romantic cool trip to Paris with you.

How.

I require knowledge.

Is this the same person you've talked about before? What's the current relationship like?

18 hours ago, Szeth's Facepalm said:

Dr. Calano, i wanna have  a crush on someone but i don't know how to get one. like i don't wanna be in a relationship or anything (i'm too young for that imo L) but i wanna have a crush just cause it's fun to have one. and last person i had a crush on (remember the fencing pm) is being a little rude to me and i stopped having one on her. but i now i don't have anyone to crush on and i am sad cause having a crush on someone was rly fun.

You sound like a very dear friend of mine who also craves a relationship, but has been hurt in the past and is now just sad.

I worry for that friend.

But anyways, I'm gonna say the same thing I told them. TALK TO PEOPLE.

Nobody seems to understand that talking to people, getting out there, communicating things, is the best thing that one can do.

It's terrifying, absolutely, but it's going to make life so much better. Trust me.

[InfiniteInsanity she/her]

So lets say that you want to tell people something concerning your mental health but they don't ever listen to you long enough for you to get to the part that you need to tell them. Like it's gotten to the point where Sharders know more about what you've been going through than they do. And you're more willing to tell Sharders than them. But you need to tell them, if you don't it's going to cause a lot of problems and make things harder.

[Medium he/they]

4 minutes ago, InfiniteInsanity said:

So lets say that you want to tell people something concerning your mental health but they don't ever listen to you long enough for you to get to the part that you need to tell them. Like it's gotten to the point where Sharders know more about what you've been going through than they do. And you're more willing to tell Sharders than them. But you need to tell them, if you don't it's going to cause a lot of problems and make things harder.

Sit them down, get them to be alone with you. You want their attention, nothing else should be holding their attention.

Open with how important this conversation is, make certain they understand, so that you have their full, undivided attention so you can talk about this super important thing.

As you go through the conversation, make sure they're listening, check in in between sentences, make sure they understand.

Once you end your part of the conversation, ideally they have listened and understand and will be there for you.

Be blunt, stalling won't do anyone any good.

[InfiniteInsanity she/her]

3 hours ago, CalanoCorvus said:

Sit them down, get them to be alone with you. You want their attention, nothing else should be holding their attention.

Open with how important this conversation is, make certain they understand, so that you have their full, undivided attention so you can talk about this super important thing.

As you go through the conversation, make sure they're listening, check in in between sentences, make sure they understand.

Once you end your part of the conversation, ideally they have listened and understand and will be there for you.

Be blunt, stalling won't do anyone any good.

See but what if its a group of people? And I can't talk to them separately because we're all so busy that it only works if we are all together?

[Medium he/they]

11 minutes ago, InfiniteInsanity said:

See but what if its a group of people? And I can't talk to them separately because we're all so busy that it only works if we are all together?

Start by asking one person at a time if they can help get the group together so you can tell them.

Make your way around the group until you have everyones attention.

Edited January 5, 2023 by CalanoCorvus

[DoomslugLuna]

How do I tell my beloved that they are the sweetest, most understanding person in my life ever? 

Edited January 9, 2023 by DoomslugLuna

[Medium he/they]

7 minutes ago, DoomslugLuna said:

How do I tell my beloved that they are the sweetest, most understanding person in my life ever? 

Well you gotta do it right.

Gotta sit them down first, right? Then, and this is very important, you take their hands, and you look them dead in the eyes, and you tell them that.

And honestly, I think they'll return the favor. Hope that helps.

[DoomslugLuna]

Okay, @CalanoCorvus; you are the sweetest, most understanding person in my life ever

[Medium he/they]

And you, @DoomslugLuna, are my most beloved. There is too much being thought about you than I can say.

I love you. :]

[DoomslugLuna]

[Quivil she/her]

there's this boy

i sit next to him in one of my classes

what do i do

help im an adult and i know nothing about this

[Spren of Kindness she/her]

13 minutes ago, Tani said:

there's this boy

i sit next to him in one of my classes

what do i do

help im an adult and i know nothing about this

My suggestion would be to start with small things, like the work for the class you're in, or what other classes you have.  Then that can branch out really easily into other get-to-know you topics, like jobs, what parts of the classes are difficult or easy, how you spend free time, and so on.

I'm definitely in a different phase of life though, so take that with a grain of salt.

[The Unknown Order he/him]

On 12/19/2022 at 0:45 PM, StormingTexan said:

Not really advice for myself but I feel like my chickens are not being very friendly to each other. They often fight over things like mealworms or time in the dust bath. How can I promote more companionship between them? Pic of the response I get when I try to talk to them about the situation. 

 

 

Yay! Barbed Rocks (I think). Very nice.

On 1/5/2023 at 8:06 AM, CalanoCorvus said:

Nobody seems to understand that talking to people, getting out there, communicating things, is the best thing that one can do.

Lies. All lies. Talking to people can never be good.

[Medium he/they]

7 hours ago, The Known Novel said:

Lies. All lies. Talking to people can never be good.

Talking to people is always good. Trusting people is always good. Making sure they know you're there and alive and breathing and fighting is always good.

And if it goes badly,

Then you're talking to the wrong person.

[Nathrangking he/him]

13 hours ago, Tani said:

there's this boy

i sit next to him in one of my classes

what do i do

help im an adult and i know nothing about this

@Spren of Kindness is correct. Take it slow. Introduce yourself to him and talk about classwork at first until the two of you are comfortable talking about more casual topics. Don't put pressure on yourself to perform. This is not a sprint where you have to rush. Rushing will only make things awkward or uncomfortable.

 

[Medium he/they]

@Tani Nath and Spren of Kindness are correct.

Slow building up is good. This is the foundation. If you rush that, then the final building could collapse, ruining everything.

Awww boy tho :]

is he cute??

[StormingTexan he/him]

9 hours ago, The Known Novel said:

Yay! Barbed Rocks (I think). Very nice.

Correct! We also have Buff Orpington and Silkies (just for fun but one of them does lay pretty well). Two smaller eggs on the left are Silkie eggs. The bigger of the two is the white Silkie she lays pretty much every day. The tiny one is from the brown Silkie she lays an egg about once a month glad we do not rely on her solely for breakfast lol.