5/20/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 25, 3810 words (LV)

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone!

 

Thanks for the feedback last time. This week we have a new PoV character. Based on previous feedback some of the side characters that show up here probably aren't going to ring any bells like they're supposed to, which I have larger plans to work on in revisions. Mostly what I'm curious about is the pacing and how X comes across as a PoV character.

 

Thanks!

[Silk she/her]

 

On 5/20/2024 at 11:49 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

some of the side characters that show up here probably aren't going to ring any bells like they're supposed to, which I have larger plans to work on in revisions. Mostly what I'm curious about is the pacing and how X comes across as a PoV character.

I remember the soldier characters, though it took me a minute to place Th. As far as Xan as a POV character, I was initially surprised when he showed up as a POV character especially since he seems to be framed as a new lead character rather than an interlude. Up until now his role didn't seem any more at the forefront than any of the other soldiers (pretty much all of the soldiers who seem to have been taking more of a lead role up to this point are dead).

Similarly, I know it's been mentioned before, but the "do you trust me even though I'm a clone" seems to be much more important here than it was previously. Previously it had been mentioned but not a huge conflict, whereas now it's positioned as central to Xan's growth in this chapter. Aside from that, I thought it worked.

As I read:

So, does water inside their suits somehow limit the functionality of the suits? Unless they were completely full of water, why would this affect their ability to hold oxygen etc?

P6 “squinting in pain at the saltwater” couldn’t he summon goggles or similar? I had kind of thought that was standard issue.

“The shark started swimming towards him.” Is it still holding onto L?

P11 “The one P had told Xan about…” I think the reminder is helpful but the actual sentence structure here feels a bit convoluted, I had to read it a few times to understand what it was trying to convey.

P13 It’s a great line, but why is defending themselves against monsters treason?

“T sank to her hands and knees…” So we arrived at the shoreline at some point? I missed that.

P14 “...young boys… the same kind that he had seen on Ix” visually, how would you distinguish this? Is it just that they don’t have armor on?

Overall: Glad to see these characters making a comeback, there are so many people in this book it’s good that we’re tying back to some of the original characters. I did wonder, if the fight was so hopeless to begin with, would an additional 2-3 people really make that much of a difference? Or is it that it’s 3 people who are also at full strength unlike the group we start with?

I am however confused about where we end up at the end of the chapter. Earlier, Xan states that they’re outside J, but then they see soldiers who aren’t soldiers and we’re going into tunnels. Some more blocking/explanation of where we actually end up would be helpful, especially if this is the setup for another revelation.

Emotionally the “I wonder if this is how A feels when she leads us” worked for me, and lands better than the “We all trust A because she’s different than everybody else” kind of stuff. The latter just seems a little “A is the chosen one” in a way that the book doesn’t otherwise really engage with (and seems to be not true - there are other characters who share A's sympathies).

It feels like the book is heading nicely toward a climax. I look forward to seeing where it goes from here!

[Mandamon he/him]

Sorry I'm super behind on this! Dealing with the new crowdfunding campaign I'm running, but I hope to get to both of these this week!

[Mandamon he/him]

Finally got through this and the next one!

I agree with @Silk here. I'm not really sure X works as a POV, especially this late in the book. If we were in his POV earlier, I think it might be alright. It gives us another character than A to latch on to.

But that said, I'm not sure this chapter needs to be in his POV? And this whole chapter could probably be shortened to just a quick escape, as most of the interesting parts are in the next chapter.

Thoughts while reading:

pg 6: This is going a bit slow for me. I think this is the first time in X's POV, right? I'm more interested in A's fight, and I sort of assumed the team here would get to wherever they need to go. I can see the start of the arc here with X learning to lead, but I think it's too late in the book to start this. It would be a good theme for a book 2, however.

pg 12: I think we just don't have enough connection to these characters to make their fight hire connect with the reader. I don't remember N at all, so him coming in to save the day isn't getting to the "victory!" that I want to feel from that scene.

pg 14: So basically this is all the side characters getting together to save themselves, which again, is a nice touch, but I think a little late in the story to make the impact it needs, especially with so many side characters. I'm having trouble keeping them straight.