Ace of Hearts Posted July 1 Report Share Posted July 1 Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last submission! We're at the midpoint conflict for part 3, so pretty soon we'll be heading to the climax. I'm guessing that some of the same comments about pacing/clarity will continue here, so feel free to skim if you hit those points (I've learned my brain works better doing big edits after submitting the whole novel so these remaining submissions won't be tweaked much before you see them). Thanks! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk she/her Posted July 7 Report Share Posted July 7 Sorry I'm a bit late getting to this one @Ace of Hearts - I had my head down all week on another project. But here now, so let’s get to it! As I read Hah. Okay. I admit it. I’m enjoying this moment of G getting all angry and flustered when faced with the inevitable consequences of her actions. “When they were about to hit she both summoned…” thought this was referring to A at first, but I think it’s actually G doing the action? P2 So was A telling M to wait because she expected the monster/some variety of trap? P3 “how had it broken down their exoskeleton so quickly?” I had a similar question, since M is supposed to be more-than-usually competent at things, I think. P4 A reacts to the appearance of the new clone like it it’s surprising or a reveal, but then we don’t seem to follow up on it, instead focusing on H running away and the logistics that follow. P5 “Not the first word I thought of…” another chuckle here. P6 “I nearly got us killed but comming L.” “By comming” ? P7 “Plus, I have to see real outdoor soil” – wait. Did they not have that at home? Some of it could be WRS, granted, but every now and then a remark comes up like this that makes me realize I have very little idea what a lot of these places look like. P11 “She could give L a pass for today…” considering the stakes, I was a bit surprised that A let this talk of a plan go quite this easily. Overall: It was good to see the reunion in this chapter and start bringing the threads together, but considering what we’ve seen from some of the previous chapters I was expecting/hoping for a little more of it here. N and T in particular seemed skimmed over in favour of a lot of the philosophical discussion – which I’m still struggling with but I think that’s the result of needing the setup, etc. that we’ve talked about before. The other piece I’m still looking for as we progress is a sense of what specifically A is going to need to do to defeat (or fail to defeat, I suppose) B and the system. We’ve gotten comments at a few points about A needing to defeat B’s ideology rather than B herself, and we’ve had some more philosophical discussions related to that, but I don’t have a better sense of what the answer is now than I did three or four chapters ago. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted July 9 Report Share Posted July 9 Sorry for the late response! Last week was a thing. Similar comments to @Silk, as usual. I think we need to have some time to breathe after the end of last chapter, and we didn't get that, or we didn't get the right kind. I was looking for answers about what happened and we didn't get any (even about the identity of the clone?). There's a lot of things coming together here, but I'm not sure this is the place where that needs to happen. Hopefully will get to the next submission tomorrow! Notes while reading: pg 1: "when they were about to hit she both summoned an exoskeleton and thrust a hand towards them." -G summoned or A summoned? A bit lost on who the pronoun is referring to. pg 2: There's a bit of chaos through here with the monster crashing in and people fighting. The blocking could be strengthened a bit here to make it clearer. pg 3/4: Ah, so the B-team breaks in here? I was a bit confused at first, but I think I figured it out in the end. You might spend a little more time in description in these scenes. pg 5: Wait, so do we know who the clone of A is? pg 6: Things are getting a little scattered here. I'm not sure what their goal is at the moment. pg 7/8: I'm not sure if the diversion into hobbies is needed here? pg 11: There are a lot of resonant things happening here, but I'm not sure if any are getting all the screen time they deserve, or if they need to be addressed right at this moment. pg 13: and another sort of out of the blue discussion about gender identity. Not that it doesn't have its place, but I'm not sure it's here? pg 15: I think my problem with this chapter was I was expecting a breakdown of what happened with the queen, the repercussions that would have for the world. Instead we get a mix of resolutions that don't have anything to do with that, except for L, and she starts talking about her gender instead. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk she/her Posted July 9 Report Share Posted July 9 6 minutes ago, Mandamon said: think we need to have some time to breathe after the end of last chapter, and we didn't get that, or we didn't get the right kind. Yes, I think this is why I was so glad to see the reunion, but it didn't provide quite the space we needed to come down from the last chapter. It makes the events of last chapter feel less significant. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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