9/16/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 34, 2795 words

[Ace of Hearts]

Hi everyone,

 

I mentioned last time that this would be the final submission, but it's actually not. I had 6k words left and decided to break it into submissions. This time is the last chapter of part 3, and next time will be the epilogue.

 

I'm probably going to be fully rewriting this scene no matter what the feedback is since I'll be changing a lot of the buildup and the way the soldiers' character arcs are handled, especially X. So no need to focus too much on LBLs and what would be the most helpful to me are analysis and ideas about X as a whole, since it seems like he's not coming across as well as A.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

Well, the parts with X were definitely my favorite part of the chapter, so I think you're doing something right! That being said, like I said last time, I was a little disappointed by the fight with the monsters being wrapped up so easily since it seems the previous submission was basically the last scene with the battle. With the debate with B so fleshed out, the battle half felt like it was missing a final beat to me. 

I'm a sucker for the found family trope so I really liked the scene with X at the end. As far as analysis goes, it seems to me like his role in the soldier caste has had some serious impacts on his mental state, and the fact that he was raised to hate and fear himself is a pretty compelling thing to overcome imo. Still working on catching up through the rest of the book so I won't comment too much on his character, but I personally think having to examine things through a lens of "things that come from the specific mindset I was given as a soldier" vs. "things I should still hold myself personally accountable for" is very interesting. 

 

I did a few lbl's anyway. Sorry

 

Pg2. I mean, surely they know what it means to reform something? I feel like they could use context clues to know what reformists are

 

Pg 3. Again, I like how the conflict comes from someone with 0 intersectionality, it’s very interesting to me and poignant

 

Pg 6 “the scares that he bore” the scars?

 

Pg10 “cool bugs you find, right.” should have “?” I think. Also, I love this interaction a lot haha

[Mandamon he/him]

A nice end to the story! I think this wraps everything up well, barring some of the first section that should probably be earlier in the book to help with the narrative.

A very interesting story, and I one more edit will help tie everything together.

Looking forward to the epilogue!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: I think peppering some hints of The Plan through the book might be nice to make this surprising yet inevitable.

pg 2: lots of philosophy on this page. We're at the end. If this is in here, it needs to go earlier on in the setup.

pg 4: "She let that thought occupy her mind for the rest of the journey"
--so up to here, this last chapter has mainly been exposition after the fact and philosophy. I think if this is the thrust of the story, it's better for the reader to realize it without having to be told. It would also be good to have some of this creep in earlier in the story.

pg 10: The rest of this I thought was pretty good. General wrapup for the end of the story, and making sure all the players are where they need to be. I think overall, on the next edit, mainly looking at where information needs to be in the story will help with the flow of the narrative.