Question 4

[Mailliw73 he/him]

Even a TL;DR of What Happened in Oregon would require another TL;DR of its own to be even close to manageable. More likely, we need multiple nested levels of TL;DRs culminating in the final summary:

 

Awesomeness happened.

 

But I will attempt to paint the broad contours of the Oregon storyline for you.

 

 

So Nathan Sperry is about to have the worst night of his life (also, completely coincidentally, his last), when Dr. Funtimes shows up. Finding that Fortuity's preparations to murder the aforementioned Mr. Sperry lacked any semblance of fun, she promptly turned his gun into a hamster and his fedora into a murderous fedora monster. Then, being bored, she decided to take Nathan with her to Portland. Meanwhile, Sightline, himself an Epic, is murdering other Epics by teleporting them to significantly high distances and watching the splat at the end. Nobody has thought to point out to him the inconsistency in his policies. After finding that the Epic Corpsemaker just doesn't die after splatting, he decides instead to teleport him inside the wall of his own headquarters, leaving him there. Dr. Funtimes arrives on the scene, with Nathan in tow, and decides that Corpsemaker's former headquarters would be much more fun as a bouncy castle. So she makes it one.

 

Meanwhile, Nighthound shows up in Thoughttown, formerly part of Portland, and millions of voices cry out in terror, then vanish. Obi-Wan Kenobi senses a great disturbance in the Force, even though he is in an entirely different universe and fandom, and is separated by Nighthound by vast millennia. No, that does not express the sheer abject monstrosity that is Nighthound. How about this: Millions of suns burn out in horror that their light will someday fall on the paths that Nighthound once walked. A little better. You get the point. There are no redeeming qualities about Nighthound.

 

Altermind, a High Illusion Epic, is ruling over Thoughttown with wisdom and caprice. Or at least caprice. Mandatory intelligence levels, enforced by banishment, the whole nine yards. He does not take kindly to Nighthound's incursion. Nighthound moves to another part of Portland instead, where he tries to kill Voidgaze, just for fun. She resurrects, and is not pleased.

 

Meanwhile, Lightwards, self-proclaimed Emporer of Light, decides he needs more followers. Not confident enough to find them in the normal way, he decides to randomly kill vanilla humans and raise them as zombies, on the grounds that nobody can have too many adoring zombie followers. He promptly orders one of his zombies to think, leading her to run away.

 

Funtimes, Nathan, and Corpsemaker all show up at the bouncy castle, meeting Electro, Voidgaze, and Scorch (one of Altermind's Epics). They all try to kill each other. Scorch promptly joins Corpsemaker, along with Electro, Funtimes teleports away, and Voidgaze gets out somehow.

 

Funtimes meets up with Lightwards and Nighthound, and an Epic battle ensues, resulting in a car being transformed into a party tank, and then a jet, Nighthound taking more punishment than humanly possible, and Lightwards trying to stay out of it. Then they stop fighting and decide to become a team. Corpsemaker attacks an armory, killing a bunch of powerful Epics just to prove that he's more powerful. Funtimes and Lightwards and Nighthound all attack the Museum of Natural History, where Lightwards proves that he can make dinosaur zombies as well as human ones. He proclaims Portland his Empire, eviscerating several people to make his point. Remington, Revolution, Sam, and the Unicyclist all join up with Funtimes, who by this point has decided that Nathan should be called Traveller, and that he will pretend to have her teleportation powers.

 

Various side plots happen. Dozens of minor Epics show up and align with one of the three sides: Altermind, Lightwards, and Corpsemaker. Tensions rise. Corpsemaker gets mechs. Chicago Joe gets drunk. Buildings get blown up. Nighthound gets a Carnotaurus, and an (unwilling) girlfriend. Funtimes decides that Nathan is her boyfriend. Nathan decides to roll with it. They meet Nighthound's sister Lucentia. Nobody ends up happy. Sam gives high epics sass. Voidgaze joins up with Altermind, and meets Big Al. There is a moment of overwhelming cuteness, overshadowed only by the force of horror that is Nighthound. More shipping happens.

 

Altermind and Lightwards ally against Corpsemaker. Lucentia joins Lightwards. The Reckoners show up, get betrayed, and then get roped into a rebellion. Lightwards sends Backtrack to The Dalles to find dirt on Remington, then goes and zombifies one of Sam's family friends.

 

Meanwhile, in Madras, Paladin and his crew attack the Epic gang led by Ringmaster. Crowds are burned, crying girls are killed, and flying epics are used as ballistic weapons. Arvin Weeks rescues a little girl named Ari. The Miner survives and runs to the kingdom ruled by Ironmonger.

 

Meanwhile, in The Dalles, Quicksilver attacks a command post belonging to the city's mayor, Vondra. Backtrack sees into the mind of Koschei the Deathless (now dead). Millions more suns extinguish themselves rather than have to face the awfulness. The night sky is running out of stars now. Backtrack is captured, and interrogated by Reader. He has a bad day. You should feel sorry for him.

 

Meanwhile, in Portland, the city waits only for the drop of a pin to set off the climactic battle that will destroy the city. Will you be that pin?

 

 

This was done from memory - if anyone feels I've missed something important, feel free to add an addendum! Or chastise me. That works too. But you should still post the addendum.

 

Wow. Great summary, though a couple small things were wrong. Nighthound didn't enter Thouhgttown. And Voidgaze got out of the bank by going with Altermind. But, good job! Especially for someone who wasn't here when it started. Panda, welcome! I'm glad to have you here. A good way to get caught up is to read the Portlandthread. There's a lot, but it's worth it. The Dalles will also help, but it's not as detailed yet.

 

It's an ordinary paperwork-filled day...until Vondra receives a report of an evil Panda army. Deciding he needs an aerial view to assess the threat, he goes up in a helicopter. While there, he sees the Panda do something reprehensible that prompts him to leap from the helicopter and confront the Panda directly.

YES! I love that idea. We finally get to see Vondra.

Kobold, what would Cipher do on a normal day?

[mail-mi he/him]

Panda, does the siege happen the next morning or what? Because I could've sworn it was afternoon in the Dalles right now.

[Mailliw73 he/him]

It is afternoon. I was thinking we could have this be like a flashback to that morning, well, no. Edgerunner and soldiers and others would've heard about it.

[Kobold King he/him]

My initial reaction to Panda's introduction... 0.0

 

Then I get to this gem:

 

 

 ...thousands upon thousands of pandas stood in ordered ranks, cute and adorable faces set in grim determination.

 

 

Which changes my expression to 

 

Then I get to "Colonel Cuddles," which forces me to use two :D smilies.

 

Then this happens:

 

 

 Thousands of flaming arrows were released, shooting into the sky, each trailing a tail of fire, before reaching the apex of their climb, and began cresting downwards towards the town.

 

 

 

 Buildings began to catch fire across the town. The Siege of Dalles had begun in earnest.

 

 

And once again, I find myself staring in mute shock, torn somewhere between hilarity and dumb horror. 0.o

 

 

Kobold, what would Cipher do on a normal day?

 

One could argue that a day where it rains flaming arrows from a panda army is never a normal day.

 

I don't think there's much demand for Cipher's abilities in The Dalles, save for when an interpreter is required with new visitors. Cipher is probably kept in as much comfort as the city can afford to keep her happy.

 

You know, I'm beginning to wonder if there's some sort of Epic club located in the city, providing entertainment for bored Epics prohibited from using their powers.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

You know, I'm beginning to wonder if there's some sort of Epic club located in the city, providing entertainment for bored Epics prohibited from using their powers.

 

That would make a lot of sense, actually. It could be staffed by semi-retired City Guard soldiers who hold the senior positions and train young or new Guards to work with Epics. The club could even be a required part of academy training. 

[Voidus]

It is afternoon. I was thinking we could have this be like a flashback to that morning, well, no. Edgerunner and soldiers and others would've heard about it.

I think it will have to be the next game day in The Dalles, too many characters would have mentioned the attack I think.

Is Lightwards ready to meet the MEE traitor Kobold?

[Lightsworn Panda he/him]

Panda, does the siege happen the next morning or what? Because I could've sworn it was afternoon in the Dalles right now.

 

Well, that's awkward. How about the next day?

[Kobold King he/him]

I think it will have to be the next game day in The Dalles, too many characters would have mentioned the attack I think.

Is Lightwards ready to meet the MEE traitor Kobold?

 

Maybe the pandas positioned themselves in the morning, but launched their attack in the afternoon? Or perhaps Panda's lost so much of his humanity he can scarcely remember when normal humans sleep.

 

Yep. He'll simply be marching down the street with his companions and dinosaurs, so the traitor can get his attention then. Do you want to post next, then?

[Voidus]

If that's ok, Mrs. Voidus will just do a post for Saccharine quickly and then I'll get one up.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

If that's ok, Mrs. Voidus will just do a post for Saccharine quickly and then I'll get one up.

 

That's fine. 

[Kobold King he/him]

If that's ok, Mrs. Voidus will just do a post for Saccharine quickly and then I'll get one up.

 

Excellent.

 

So Lightsworn, is the Panda Invasion being moved forward to afternoon? That would make it fit with Vondra more.

[Lightsworn Panda he/him]

Yeah, sure. Time to edit my post.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Saccharine: Reminding us all that "Yandere" should be pronounced "AAAAHHHHH PLEASE HAVE MERCY I WOULDN'T DARE HURT SOMEONE WHO WEARS SUCH AN AMAZING HAT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE AHSGDIDVDIDGDJDGEISHZ" since her first post. O.o

[Voidus]

Saccharine: Reminding us all that "Yandere" should be pronounced "AAAAHHHHH PLEASE HAVE MERCY I WOULDN'T DARE HURT SOMEONE WHO WEARS SUCH AN AMAZING HAT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE AHSGDIDVDIDGDJDGEISHZ" since her first post. O.o

And the MEE suffers its first of many, many deaths to come

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

In other news, I started Warbreaker.

That prologue. O.O

[Lightsworn Panda he/him]

In other news, I started Warbreaker.

That prologue. O.O

 

Oh dear. Give us a shout when you emerge blinking in the sunshine clutching that battered tome of Warbreaker, will you? We've already lost enough people to that addiction. 

Edited November 8, 2014 by Lightsworn Panda

[Kobold King he/him]

I'm liking PP's new personality so far.

 

 

In other news, I started Warbreaker.

That prologue. O.O

 

The prologue is a little disturbing, yeah. But in my view, the book's awesome.

 

You have no idea how much I want to start a post with "It's funny, Backtrack thought, how many things begin with me being thrown in prison."

[Voidus]

I'll probably garner a bit of hate for this but WB was actually one of my least favourite of Brandons novels, still awesome of course but it's currently rated below Elantris, Mistborn, Stomlight, Rithmatist and Steelheart for me.
 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

The prologue was a bit disturbing, but it had the same effect on me as Steelheart's: It convinced me I cannot stop reading.

(Good thing I have a phone that lets me read wherever I want. )

[Seonid he/him]

Re: Panda army...       

 

In order.

 

And I haven't even gotten the Paladin/Weeks timeline in sync with the rest of The Dalles yet. I'm 4 posts out from any of them actually showing up. Looks like I need to get another Ranger post up, to bring that number down to 3.

 

I'm thinking, depending on how long it takes me to catch up, that Paladin and crew are two days earlier than the rest of the thread. It's sunset now in Madras, so that will leave one day of travel (especially because I will need 24 hours to kill), so by evening in the Dalles time, everyone will have met up.

Edited November 8, 2014 by Seonid

[Kobold King he/him]

I'll probably garner a bit of hate for this but WB was actually one of my least favourite of Brandons novels, still awesome of course but it's currently rated below Elantris, Mistborn, Stomlight, Rithmatist and Steelheart for me.

 

 

I think Way of Kings is probably better, but I'd rate Warbreaker above the others. Which really pains me, since I love all Sanderson books about equally--but I really enjoyed Warbreaker. I've read it three different times now, which is a big deal since I don't re-read books very often.

 

So Voidus, are Impact and MV likely to stay in The Dalles while Backtrack heads back to Portland?

[Voidus]

I think Way of Kings is probably better, but I'd rate Warbreaker above the others. Which really pains me, since I love all Sanderson books about equally--but I really enjoyed Warbreaker. I've read it three different times now, which is a big deal since I don't re-read books very often.

 

So Voidus, are Impact and MV likely to stay in The Dalles while Backtrack heads back to Portland?

If he heads back now then yeah they'll probably stay behind in the Dalles.

[Kobold King he/him]

If he heads back now then yeah they'll probably stay behind in the Dalles.

 

That should be a fairly sad farewell, from Backtrack's perspective.

 

...Or it would be, if he weren't currently the kind of guy who'd give Impact a pat on the rear on his way out.  Someday he'll come back to The Dalles, and maybe then he'll finally finish his Scare 'Em Straight diploma.

[Voidus]

That should be a fairly sad farewell, from Backtrack's perspective.

 

...Or it would be, if he weren't currently the kind of guy who'd give Impact a pat on the rear on his way out.  Someday he'll come back to The Dalles, and maybe then he'll finally finish his Scare 'Em Straight diploma.

There'll probably be some post-departure regret on the twins part too.

Just a thought, how's he getting past the panda army?

[Kobold King he/him]

There'll probably be some post-departure regret on the twins part too.

Just a thought, how's he getting past the panda army?

 

Five minutes after the tear-ridden departure, Backtrack came bursting again through the cathedral's main doors.

 

"Good news, ladies," he said with a nervous grin. "I don't have to leave!"

 

"What?" MV asked in surprise. "What about Lightwards?"

 

"Not even he can blame me for staying," Backtrack replied, sounding increasingly delighted. "Take a look."

 

MV peered out the cathedral window, followed shortly by her sister. They both found their jaws dropping in shock as the first sounds of battle began raging outside.

 

"That's... that's..."

 

"My lucky break," Backtrack said cheerfully. "Now I just need pigs to fly and Calamity to freeze over, and I can finally take you out on that date."

 

Long story short: Backtrack's departure will probably have to wait until pandas are declared extinct in Oregon once more.