Marci she/her Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) CONTENT WARNING: Chapter 5 features content of a sexual nature. I think the MPAA would give it an R rating, as it’s not terribly explicit. I don’t beat around the bush or handwave, however, so consider yourself warned! -- Previously, on Broken Universe: The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible. Despite this, he feels like things might be looking up for him. Then a transdimensional portal appears nearby while he’s wrapping up a successful hunting trip in the woods, and the portal’s appearance triggers the return of a slew of confusing and incomplete memories. He enlists the help of his ex-girlfriend, Kim Dehaven, a move that proves disastrous when she is possessed by a strange, menacing entity who appears to know Baxter intimately. The entity taunts him before tendering a warning: he has company coming. Chapter 2 Summary: The aftermath of Kim’s possession, which Baxter promptly forgets. Chapter 3 Summary: Seven miserable, confusing months have passed since Baxter’s run-in with the entity. He shows up late for his daughter’s birthday, and receives some distressing news: Kim is newly engaged to someone else. He doesn’t take it well. Chapter 4 Summary: Kim calls it like she sees it. Chapter 5 Summary: Baxter digs himself a grave. -- I’m looking for feedback on character development, story pacing, and wordsmithing. NOTE: This story, from beginning to end, is heavy on romance. I personally enjoy mixing sex with magic, but I’m aware that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Screwy quotation marks are screwy. I tried catching them all, but as I review the PDF just now, I notice there are still a few here and there. Sorry. :| Thanks much for reading! Edited February 29, 2016 by Marci 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer he/him Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 - I like the Baxter at least realizes he's a jerk, and he's not the kind of character who carries on without some recognition of his actions . . . even if it too late. - I also Kim and Baxter's heart to heart after it's happened. - Generally, your characters are really strong - Kim and Samantha are definitely standing out. Still trying to figure out what I think about Baxter. - A little confused where Kim's fiancee is in the picture? Maybe I missed something, but he never seems to factor in anything (or maybe this is forthcoming. - Overall, this submission was a little light on the magic (save for the cat) but otherwise, I like it. Can't wait to see what Baxter gets into next. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2016 - A little confused where Kim's fiancee is in the picture? Maybe I missed something, but he never seems to factor in anything (or maybe this is forthcoming. Yep! He'll factor in strongly soon. - Overall, this submission was a little light on the magic (save for the cat) but otherwise, I like it. Can't wait to see what Baxter gets into next. Yay! Thanks so much, I'm glad you're still on board. Sorry this submission was still on the Magic Lite side for you. It's a bit of a slow burn, on that front. Also, Baxter has a lot to answer for, and you probably won't like him much better after reading the coming two chapters. I'm worried about this next submission the most, I think, because it made me uncomfortable—sick to my stomach, actually—to write. As fond as I am of my antihero, he's guilty of much. I'm hoping he redeems himself in the eyes of my readers, but that remains to be seen. Thanks again so much for reading and commenting! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted March 1, 2016 Report Share Posted March 1, 2016 I'll agree with rdpulfer--these were very strongly written chapters. There was enough magic still around to keep me interested, and some better hints on what Baxter can do and why he hasn't been doing so. I'm also very concerned about the fiancee. Kim's still leading Baxter on, though that might be by his suggestions? In any case, especially with your hints at what's coming above, I'm sort of worried I'm not going to like the next few chapters--but I'll wait and see. I didn't find anything really wrong here. I was surprised Baxter had evidently written and had books published. I wouldn't have pegged him as being able to finish anything. I'm still wanting to see more connected with the chapter1/prologue events--hopefully those will come up soon. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted March 3, 2016 Report Share Posted March 3, 2016 Very readable as usual, my main issue is that I don’t remember any reference in the set up to Baxter being able to control minds, so when that comes up twice (at least), I was confused as to what was being referred to. Also, where did the roses come from and how, but more importantly, nobody is surprised. The characters just accept all this weird stuff, they know what’s going on, but I just feel shut out, like I'm not in their club. This is another source of frustration. Insufficient data for the reader is not a happy situation. It’s the same issue I had with the doors. The reappearance of the cat is well done, and he seems to be a villain, which would be excellent, or maybe he’s a future sidekick acting inappropriately in trying to bring Baxter and Kim back together without understanding the implications of what he’s doing (in human terms). Anyway, frustrating in places, but still a very readable chapter. It occurs to me now that the action is very claustrophobic. That’s not wrong, but the lack of a big picture in both a story and setting sense is heightening that feeling for me, which is becoming uncomfortable. Maybe that goes back into my point about lack of background on the doors, adding a lack of knowledge about the world. Is Baxter the only one with these powers (apparently not, from the doors), but is the world at large away of the existence of such people? I feel I need that greater context this far into the story. Still, good work, looking forward to the return of Baxter in due course. ------------------------------------------------------ “Dr. McDouchey” – lol “once running out of bourbon” – grammar, even if it’s right, doesn’t ‘after’ sound better? “marshmallow flavoured vodka” – that’s a sin against nature, right there. “like an outtake reel in a comedic movie’s credits” – I think your audience will know what an outtake real is. “the julienned remains of their brethren” – rofl. Considering the carnage that Baxter caused at the birthday party, I have huge problems believing that Kim would bring him a cup of coffee in the morning, unless to dump over his head. “You announced the new Anders novel over two years ago. So, then...Where is it?” – Where did this come from? I don’t remember any reference to him being a novelist. I don’t know how much sympathy I had for Baxter before, but I pretty much lost it all in Chapter 4. I’ve seen nothing to show why he deserves the bottomless well of understand that he gets from Kim. You may say that it’s there in the back story, but I need to see it. Having a smart mouth is not a loving quality. Also, there were no fantastical elements in Chapter 4 at all. The story is billed as such, so I need to see that too. Not every chapter, but I’ll be looking for it in the next one. There’s a serious case of role reversal here. Kim is the one who mentioned drugs in front of her daughter, then used the ‘F’ word, and Baxter is the one saying he needs to have the ‘D’ conversation with his daughter. I'm confused and frustrated. “Say hello to my little friend!” – lmfao. Every dog has his day!! “If this is you, if you’re doing this,” – I presume she means him controlling her reactions, but I don’t recall any foreshadowing of his ability to do that. It took me two or three reads of that section to figure out that was what she meant. “he struggled with the catch” – huge cliché, and surely inaccurate if Baxter is as experienced as stated previously. “She didn’t know how badly he wanted to change her mind for her, how desperately he wanted to instruct Evan to get lost.” – Again, I don’t remember any indication in the set up of his ability to control the minds of others. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Thanks for reading, Robinski. Hints about Baxter's abilities, and what Kim/Sam know about them, have been sprinkled here and there from the very beginning. I've had trouble figuring out how to get these details across without sounding infodumpy or out of place. Most of the hints were dropped in previous lines of dialog. It looks like I've failed in getting across the idea that Baxter isn't actually the one behind every weird thing happening, here. He's not the only one with powers—he only thinks he is, because he can't remember otherwise. He wasn't responsible for the roses, and he was just as under the influence of magic as Kim, though he's never going to convince her of that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Thanks for reading, Robinski. Hints about Baxter's abilities, and what Kim/Sam know about them, have been sprinkled here and there from the very beginning. I've had trouble figuring out how to get these details across without sounding infodumpy or out of place. Most of the hints were dropped in previous lines of dialog. It looks like I've failed in getting across the idea that Baxter isn't actually the one behind every weird thing happening, here. He's not the only one with powers—he only thinks he is, because he can't remember otherwise. He wasn't responsible for the roses, and he was just as under the influence of magic as Kim, though he's never going to convince her of that. Ah, hmm. I got that the cat was influencing both of them (I think?), but I was convinced that Baxter produced the roses. I think you could dial up the hints a bit, I like to think I'm not that obtuse, but I stand to be corrected 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 I was also convinced Baxter did the roses, so probably need a bigger hint there if it's important. Was it Sam? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Was it Sam? Bingo! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted March 4, 2016 Report Share Posted March 4, 2016 Pah - lucky guess ;op 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 So, I just finished read all 5 chapters and I’m very mixed up right now. Since this is the thread for chapter 4/5 I’ll start there (and with the characters and impressions in general), but some of my comments will likely come from spilling over my thoughts of the pieces as a whole as well. Baxter… is a very sympathetic character to me. I think more so for me than other readers perhaps because I also suffer from mental illness. I *understand*. That being said, Kim having worked in a behavioral unit for a bit… that will not give her the understanding we’re seeing here. What we are seeing in Kim is YEARS of dealing with Baxter’s illness from close range. THIS is why she brings him coffee in the morning, as well as a list of things to replace. Trying to force responsibility for promises is a coping mechanism that many people who deal with the mentally ill end up with. This is why she insists on keeping him in Sam’s life. Instead of referencing a few months of work in an area of a hospital that you actually have to be trained well to work in, I’d reference their past history. I actually have a much harder time liking Kim, or truly understanding why Baxter puts up with her. Yes, he’s intoxicated by her sex… sorry not enough for me. I’ve been in relationships like this (abusive to a point, but I stayed for the sex). They do not last this many years without some stronger underlying reason. Yes, I realize they broke up 6 months ago. But we don’t know why. All we see here is that they aren’t any different from the first chapter in terms of bond, growth, interaction and feelings. Kim can say she’s engaged to someone else, but their relationship is identical to chapter 1, so I don’t buy it at all. Especially since we haven’t even SEEN this other guy – and he was supposed to have stayed the night. So where is he during the shouting match and destruction the night before? Did he seriously wake up, drive off, knowing Baxter’s car is just sitting there… Super dose of melatonin and an early day at work stop him from caring about his new “family”? Last night was he sitting quietly in the pantry, watching and too scared to get involved? Huddled under Sam’s bed cradling a My Little Pony stuffed toy and crying for his mommy? (ok that last one made me laugh so hard I can IMAGINE it). Readers like to know what’s going on. We don’t get his PoV, but Kim doesn’t even seem to mention his whereabouts other than “he’s here somewhere” with an implication of “please behave”, though Baxter doesn’t behave… and Evan’s presence… Meaningless. So why point it out to Baxter if it meant nothing? I’m also very confused about the magic system. Perhaps Baxter’s voices can help give us exposition about it in the way of random quips to Baxter. I don’t know anything about his powers other than he can listen to the universe. That doesn’t directly translate to controlling minds or making things appear from nowhere. If this is the chapter where those things are brought to the reader’s attention, then they should be explained to us somehow... not just willingly accepted in stride and brushed off by the main characters. Since this is fantasy, I am really hoping we see more fantasy in it. I was enamored with the door. The portal. The mysterious being with ominous warning. The first chapter made me want to keep reading, to dive into the mystery. I opened the next file and then… felt like I was being forced to watch an All My Children vs. 8 Mile mashup. The characters are so well developed that unless these scenes are rife with foreshadowing and plot they feel almost… unworthy of following that first brilliant bit with the portal. Each paragraph I read I was waiting for the ghost to pop back up. Or for a random bit of door memory to blip in Baxter’s mind, or even for him to repeat his mantra, even just once, and wonder where the hell that came from. As a reader who got a promise of door portal fantasy plot in chapter one, I feel a bit gypped at this point. I’m looking forward to your next submission – they really ARE well written – hoping that we get more of the door portal plot going forward. And if there is foreshadowing and plot going on, it’s too subtle for my poor brain. But then, I’m the one who’s ALWAYS surprised by surprise endings, so that’s probably a limitation on my part and not yours. Sorry, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m negative. I’m not. Your prose is good, your dialog is good. The pacing is good as well, for the story we get to see. I just can’t shake the feeling we’re seeing the wrong story in chapters 2-5. I feel as confused and disoriented as poor Baxter. Plus side, I really love Baxter But then, I’m just as broken, LOL. Ah, my characterized soul mate, I’ve found you at last <3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) Baxter… is a very sympathetic character to me. I think more so for me than other readers perhaps because I also suffer from mental illness. I *understand*. That being said, Kim having worked in a behavioral unit for a bit… that will not give her the understanding we’re seeing here. What we are seeing in Kim is YEARS of dealing with Baxter’s illness from close range. THIS is why she brings him coffee in the morning, as well as a list of things to replace. Trying to force responsibility for promises is a coping mechanism that many people who deal with the mentally ill end up with. This is why she insists on keeping him in Sam’s life. Instead of referencing a few months of work in an area of a hospital that you actually have to be trained well to work in, I’d reference their past history. You pretty well nailed it. I struggle with mental illness, myself, and wrote that scene from a position of experience. I've been on both sides of a similar exchange, to tell you the truth. There's a little bit of me in both characters as far as that's concerned. I actually have a much harder time liking Kim, or truly understanding why Baxter puts up with her. Yes, he’s intoxicated by her sex… sorry not enough for me. I’ve been in relationships like this (abusive to a point, but I stayed for the sex). They do not last this many years without some stronger underlying reason. The next submission digs deeper into their history. Yes, I realize they broke up 6 months ago. But we don’t know why. All we see here is that they aren’t any different from the first chapter in terms of bond, growth, interaction and feelings. Kim can say she’s engaged to someone else, but their relationship is identical to chapter 1, so I don’t buy it at all. One of the things I desperately needed to go back and fix is Evan. Baxter and Kim weren't technically together in Chapter 1; in fact, she was already dating Evan at that point. Told you, man; Baxter and Kim got mad issues. I'd meant for her to briefly discuss Evan when Baxter was taking her to see the door, before she gets possessed. I even had it in my goshdarn outline notes in bold! Evan has an important role to play, and it's too bad I bungled his intro so badly. He gets screen time in one of the new scenes I'm writing when I get around to the next draft. Especially since we haven’t even SEEN this other guy – and he was supposed to have stayed the night. So where is he during the shouting match and destruction the night before? Did he seriously wake up, drive off, knowing Baxter’s car is just sitting there… Super dose of melatonin and an early day at work stop him from caring about his new “family”? Last night was he sitting quietly in the pantry, watching and too scared to get involved? Huddled under Sam’s bed cradling a My Little Pony stuffed toy and crying for his mommy? (ok that last one made me laugh so hard I can IMAGINE it). Readers like to know what’s going on. We don’t get his PoV, but Kim doesn’t even seem to mention his whereabouts other than “he’s here somewhere” with an implication of “please behave”, though Baxter doesn’t behave… and Evan’s presence… Meaningless. So why point it out to Baxter if it meant nothing? LOLZ! Evan was in the backyard with Sam and her friends at the time. Kim made Evan aware that Baxter showed up, had been a big fat jerk, and was likely still passed out drunk in the backseat of his car, but Evan had reason to avoid interaction with Baxter at this point... A detail I completely sidestepped. Epic fail. I’m also very confused about the magic system. Perhaps Baxter’s voices can help give us exposition about it in the way of random quips to Baxter. I don’t know anything about his powers other than he can listen to the universe. That doesn’t directly translate to controlling minds or making things appear from nowhere. If this is the chapter where those things are brought to the reader’s attention, then they should be explained to us somehow... not just willingly accepted in stride and brushed off by the main characters. Since this is fantasy, I am really hoping we see more fantasy in it. To be quite honest, I'm toeing the line between science fiction and fantasy, here. Baxter would say he identifies more with Charles Xavier than Gandalf the Grey... A statement he and another character almost come to blows over. He's mostly right, though. I was enamored with the door. The portal. The mysterious being with ominous warning. The first chapter made me want to keep reading, to dive into the mystery. I opened the next file and then… felt like I was being forced to watch an All My Children vs. 8 Mile mashup. I always preferred Llanview to Pine Valley, myself. TODD+BLAIR 4 EVA!!!!! But seriously... Yeah. I get carried away with the melodrama at times. It doesn't help that I'm a frustrated erotica author. Prolly should rein in the blatant self-indulgence, here. The characters are so well developed that unless these scenes are rife with foreshadowing and plot they feel almost… unworthy of following that first brilliant bit with the portal. Each paragraph I read I was waiting for the ghost to pop back up. Or for a random bit of door memory to blip in Baxter’s mind, or even for him to repeat his mantra, even just once, and wonder where the hell that came from. As a reader who got a promise of door portal fantasy plot in chapter one, I feel a bit gypped at this point. I’m looking forward to your next submission – they really ARE well written – hoping that we get more of the door portal plot going forward. And if there is foreshadowing and plot going on, it’s too subtle for my poor brain. But then, I’m the one who’s ALWAYS surprised by surprise endings, so that’s probably a limitation on my part and not yours. Yeah, I didn't do a very good job with foreshadowing or carrying the fantastical elements into the second chapter. The huge time jump didn't do me any favors, either, I don't think. Sorry, I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m negative. I’m not. Your prose is good, your dialog is good. The pacing is good as well, for the story we get to see. I just can’t shake the feeling we’re seeing the wrong story in chapters 2-5. I feel as confused and disoriented as poor Baxter. Plus side, I really love Baxter But then, I’m just as broken, LOL. Ah, my characterized soul mate, I’ve found you at last <3 Ha! I <3 Baxter, too. He's always been a blast to write, but I seriously can't wait until the ghost finally makes her appearance, because when those two get together... Edited March 18, 2016 by Marci 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Totally off topic but BLAIR! Man I loved her. I was watching an episode of Castle recently and THERE SHE WAS. I was like, You got old My mom watched ALL of ABCs soaps, so I've seen a lot of all of them too. Anyway, back on topic... Good to know Evan has a role, and that we will see him emerge earlier. Part of my paranoid side thinks he's some made up entity Kim's using to torment poor Baxter with. And tension is good but drama > melodrama. If they're going to fight, and they should and can, make it plot-relevant. Each of their fights should reveal *something* to the readers, other that just a smattering of language and pop culture references. Oh, speaking of which... there area LOT of references. Not that *I* mind, I get them (move over She-Ra! hahahaha), but if the book does get published, you have to consider how that could translate to a foreign market. Fixing up a random quippy reference now and then is good, but when half the dialogue in the first 5 chapters needs to be adjusted for a new audience, not sure if editors will want to do that or not. I'm not saying change your style. It works. It is what it is. But, it is definitely something to think about. Asian markets like sci-fi type stuff, so, you never know I'm still not sure my mind believes Evan and the 4 girls are in the back yard. Baxter arrives at 1am... none of the neighbors care a party is going that late? It would need some fantastic lighting, and children's voices CARRY lolol. It also took me by surprise it was Sam's birthday. I was originally under the impression it was the 4th of July. Either way, the scene was set to be very full and it's just odd that not a single person seemed to notice what Baxter was doing except Kim, who was in dialogue with him. Gah, I'm just nitpicking. You should see me tear apart crime-TV dramas xD I'm as bad as CinemaSins. bwahahaha 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) Totally off topic but BLAIR! Man I loved her. I was watching an episode of Castle recently and THERE SHE WAS. I was like, You got old My mom watched ALL of ABCs soaps, so I've seen a lot of all of them too. Heh! My mom did the same. Some of my earliest memories involve Luke and Laura's storyline from General Hospital, and the weird alien alternate reality Cocoon-thing One Life to Live pulled back in the day. Oh, speaking of which... there area LOT of references. Not that *I* mind, I get them (move over She-Ra! hahahaha), but if the book does get published, you have to consider how that could translate to a foreign market. Fixing up a random quippy reference now and then is good, but when half the dialogue in the first 5 chapters needs to be adjusted for a new audience, not sure if editors will want to do that or not. I'm not saying change your style. It works. It is what it is. But, it is definitely something to think about. Asian markets like sci-fi type stuff, so, you never know I know, man. I know. Robinski has given me a hard time about this over and again. Many readers outside this group seem to get a kick out of the references, but then again, they're not in the publishing game, and they're my friends, and generally share my interests. XD I'm still not sure my mind believes Evan and the 4 girls are in the back yard. Baxter arrives at 1am... none of the neighbors care a party is going that late? It would need some fantastic lighting, and children's voices CARRY lolol. It also took me by surprise it was Sam's birthday. I was originally under the impression it was the 4th of July. Well, the party was technically over at this point. The only people there were Kim, Evan, Sam, and her three friends who were there for the sleepover. And, yes, it was the 4th of July, which also happens to be Sam's birthday. In my mind I had them sitting around a fire pit. You know, like, making s'mores and stuff. Yes, it's July, but we Hoosiers like fire. And s'mores. But mostly fire. Edited March 18, 2016 by Marci 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 OMG the Luke & Laura drama... my mother went on and on about that for YEARS. Apparently it was THE biggest thing to happen other than Princess Di and Prince Charles' wedding. <insert eyeroll here> Oh, and I remember Kendall in AMC -very- clearly. Man I hated her. LOL Okay... I can "see" it coming together now. Perhaps the party is camping-style?, says my brain. My brother and I used to do that, pop a tent in the backyard and grandma's house, and invite friends over to sleep outside. Could explain why nobody is inside reacting to Baxter's shenanigans. Not they're they're camping/sleeping outside, but if the party style was like that, could be why they're STILL out there even at 1am. and also, FIRE. yay fire! I like fire. I could be a Hoosier if I wasn't so un-Hoosiery. But yeah, ok, they're outside... a nudge with verbal or visual clues could help readers latch on to that easier. I went back and re-read a bit, and Baxter did hear a voice from the backyard, but it seemed to be Kim's voice, and I didn't really interpret that as the entire party was out there, as all the houselights, including the kiddo's bedroom light, was on. I think I assumed everyone was up, but in the house. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Whoa, I've stumbled into the Soap thread. My wife 'forced' me to watch Coronation Street for about 2 years before she gave it up ;op Anyway, I know I've 'had a shot' at this submission before, but Shadow raises some v.interesting points (clearly!). I was interested to see you talking about shared experience with mental illness. Clearly, you both identify with Baxter, but the most readers I expected will not have had experience with mental illness, even if they do (later) over their lifetime (I don't know the stats). Therefore, I guess you have the challenge of conveying the subtleties to the informed reader. Why does Kim still bring him coffee? (easiest example to recall). It may just be a short one-liner about her training (She is a nurse, right?). I'm also going to bang on about the plot, as Shadowfax tagged it too. The fact of Baxter's memory issues is a real kicker, meaning you can't even drop in a recollection of the door / ghost to remind the reader that it's still lurking further down the plot-line, but I wonder if Kim couldn't remember it for him, triggering a recollection in Baxter that would at least keep it in the reader's mind. Looking forward to Monday! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 I was interested to see you talking about shared experience with mental illness. Clearly, you both identify with Baxter, but the most readers I expected will not have had experience with mental illness, even if they do (later) over their lifetime (I don't know the stats). Therefore, I guess you have the challenge of conveying the subtleties to the informed reader. Why does Kim still bring him coffee? (easiest example to recall). It may just be a short one-liner about her training (She is a nurse, right?). I believe she is a nurse, yes. But this is nowhere near the explanation needed to share with readers unfamiliar with mentally ill people. I'm also going to bang on about the plot, as Shadowfax tagged it too. The fact of Baxter's memory issues is a real kicker, meaning you can't even drop in a recollection of the door / ghost to remind the reader that it's still lurking further down the plot-line, but I wonder if Kim couldn't remember it for him, triggering a recollection in Baxter that would at least keep it in the reader's mind. Oh, that's a great idea too. It could even be part of their argument(s). Kim seems like the kind of person who would throw some of his crazy back in his face in the heat of the moment, even if she will regret it later. And he DID ask her to help him remember it. I think Kim's dropped the ball on this one. haha Looking forward to Monday! I also literally just thought of this but... one great example of how to deal with a main character (and SOLE PoV) who has amnesia is Memento. His is even a bit worse in some regards, and yet it's pulled off brilliantly. Perhaps there could be some ideas gotten from that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski he/him Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) "But this is nowhere near the explanation needed to share with readers unfamiliar with mentally ill people." QED! I know you can't sum up mental illness in a sentence or two, I was just trying to express the idea of highlighting it at the appropriate times to remind the uninformed. Maybe it verges on telling, but I think someone without the experience of mental illness (most readers) will probably need to be reminded once a chapter (say) that Baxter is ill, and not just an '-hole'. (See how I dodged the Word Po-leece there Marci? ) I mean, Kim popping up with lines like "Darn your confounded mental illness, Baxter." is obviously a tad 'on the nose', but you see what I mean. I also literally just thought of this but... one great example of how to deal with a main character (and SOLE PoV) who has amnesia is Memento. His is even a bit worse in some regards, and yet it's pulled off brilliantly. Perhaps there could be some ideas gotten from that. What a great film. First DVD I ever bought (new at release). Chris Nolan is a slightly po-faced genius. Intriguing idea, but Marci would need to replace tats with something else, seeing as how that's been done and then some! Edited March 18, 2016 by Robinski 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Oh, no my line about not being enough to sum it up was in agreement of you saying we need more reminders. The readers are getting plenty of "this guy is a chull" but we need to be reminded he's really just broken and there are parts of himself he can't really control. And yes, I had to study the film in depth in my Greek Literature class (yes, you read that right). We were comparing/contrasting the basic themes in it to the play Oedipus Rex (quick version, hubris will get you every time). That said, no tats are out, BUT there are SO many clues in it on how to convey a single PoV character with no memory of recent events, and even better, how to shove plot at the main character - including FALSE PLOT, wooo!. If you don't own it Marci, buy it. Put it on repeat and watch it 50 times. Write it off on your taxes as a business expense xD 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Sooo, literally in bed right now. I really gotta turn off Google Inbox notifications. The new sound introduced in the last app update is becoming an issue. It's funny how Memento was brought up. Baxter is a writer, and happens to share my obsession with paper, ink pens, and sticky notes. He's always jotting things down, grabbing anything to hand. His personal landscape is cluttered with cryptic reminders. These definitely come in handy as the story progresses. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 Okay, now that's it's not 3 a.m., and have a sufficient amount of coffee in me... I love Memento, and parts of it have inspired me where Baxter's story is concerned, but I have serious doubts as to whether I could pull off something that brilliantly manic and complicated. I keep returning to how many missed opportunities there were in the first 25K words submitted here so far. Just thinking about it makes my inner perfectionist's eye twitch. But, I digress. The real reason I'm posting here again is off topic, but I'm an epic fangirl and feel the need to spread my love of cinema around. There's an incredible, over-the-top epic Bollywood version of Memento out there called Ghajini (the 2008 version starring Aamir Khan), and it's probably one of my most favorite things, ever. (I know I make such claims often, but for reals, guys. For reals.) I think I've forced my DVD copy on all of my friends and family at least once. The husband, who haaaaaates musicals of any kind (especially when there's dance numbers involved), absolutely loved it. Anyway, y'all should totally check it out! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 It's funny how Memento was brought up. Baxter is a writer, and happens to share my obsession with paper, ink pens, and sticky notes. He's always jotting things down, grabbing anything to hand. His personal landscape is cluttered with cryptic reminders. These definitely come in handy as the story progresses. Perhaps a bit of foreshadowing of this in the first few chapters? I know, personally, if Baxter started using notes later on my first reaction will be, why hasn't he ever used them before... Drunk, amnesia, yes... but this could easily be fixed by adding something as simple as, "But why does it have to be me Baxter, didn't you bring your notebook or are you too forked to remember it" in chapter one. Perhaps there are sticky notes clinging to the leather seats in his car when he wakes up in the back seat, but the writing is unintelligible. Baxter's PoV is the only one we experience first hand, but it's not the only one that exists. Imagine the scenes from another character's PoV: what would stick out to them? 5 bucks that in Baxter's state of mind, it would stick out to him as well. He literally can't take anything for granted. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marci she/her Posted March 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) Perhaps there are sticky notes clinging to the leather seats in his car when he wakes up in the back seat, but the writing is unintelligible. I really like that idea, and even have the opportunity to bring it into play for Monday's submission, as I'm still polishing. Baxter's PoV is the only one we experience first hand, but it's not the only one that exists. Imagine the scenes from another character's PoV: what would stick out to them? 5 bucks that in Baxter's state of mind, it would stick out to him as well. He literally can't take anything for granted. So very true! Am furiously scribbling notes of my own... Thanks so much for the suggestions! This discussion has been very helpful. Edited March 18, 2016 by Marci 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowfax Posted March 18, 2016 Report Share Posted March 18, 2016 <3 I can't wait for Monday! Now I just have to convince myself to crawl out of bed, put my contacts in and get on my laptop to work. I'm on my tablet right now which is not conducive to word count progression lolol 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.