Archer he/him Posted May 7, 2018 Report Share Posted May 7, 2018 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Nerd3.14159265358979 said: Some people say musicals are stupid, because people don't spontaneously burst in to song in real life. Obviously they've never met me. This reminded me of those running joke scenes from The Nut Job 2... Spoiler Edited May 7, 2018 by Archer 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerd3.14159265358979 he/him Posted May 8, 2018 Report Share Posted May 8, 2018 (edited) I'd give an upvote, but I'm out... Done. Edited May 8, 2018 by Nerd3.14159265358979 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reckless Reader Posted May 21, 2018 Report Share Posted May 21, 2018 I love how 90% of musicians are completely willing to make fun of themselves. I for instance, play alto saxophone, and even tough all the altos in my band are pretty good, we always make jokes about how bad we are. What's the difference between an alto saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ink he/him Posted June 21, 2018 Report Share Posted June 21, 2018 A trombone player and tuba player fall off a building, who hits last? Spoiler Tuba, they have to stop and ask for directions. A bunch of flutes are driving in a pickup truck. They drive into the lake and drown, because they cant get the tailgate open. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reckless Reader Posted June 27, 2018 Report Share Posted June 27, 2018 True story: I once put a disposable water bottle in the bell of my alto saxophone and forgot it was there until it made the most horrifying sound in the known universe when I tried to play a low note. In marching band. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BitBitio he/him Posted June 29, 2018 Report Share Posted June 29, 2018 (edited) How can you tell if a performance stage is level? Spoiler If the drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth! What does a trumpet player say when he introduces himself? Spoiler Hi. I'm better than you. If a tuba player and a trombone player jump off a building, who hits the ground first? Spoiler The trombone player, since the tuba player had to stop and ask for directions. And the big one: Spoiler So, the band is practicing a piece and they come across a section where the tubas just biff it. The conductor is all mad and flings his conductor stick. It spears the tuba player through. The police come and arrest the conductor, they take the guy to the electric chair, they put him on it, they flip the switch, nothing happens. One guy asks what is going on, and another says: Spoiler "I dunno, but this guy is just NOT a good conductor." Edit: Inklingspren stole my joke... Edited June 29, 2018 by BitBitio the Mudkip 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zath he/him Posted June 30, 2018 Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 A man spends the night drinking at various bars across town. On his way back home, he suddenly remembers that his wife had told him not to go drinking. As he's trying to think up a good excuse for why he was out all night, he passes a music shop. Neither he nor his wife are musicians, so he flips through a book for beginning musicians and comes across the word syncopation. Later, when he gets home, his wife confronts him. "Were you out drinking again?" she demands. "Nope, I was doing syncopation," the man says smugly. His wife, having no idea what this means, goes to look up the word in a dictionary. She finds this definition.Syncopation (noun): "Unsteady movement from bar to bar." (yep, that's a wah, wah, waaaaaah joke. ) True story: I played the French horn when I was in band, back in my middle school days. I joined the school's jazz band (obviously, since that's the genre of music you immediately think of when someone says "French horn"), and I was always surprised when they didn't have any sheet music for me. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndlerunner he/him Posted June 30, 2018 Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 What's the difference between a clarinet player and a parrot? The parrot is endearing when it squawks. (as a clarinetist I can make this joke) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistspren she/her Posted June 30, 2018 Report Share Posted June 30, 2018 4 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said: (as a clarinetist I can make this joke) Hey, me too! I hadn’t heard that joke before, it was pretty funny. I’ll have to see what the clarinets in my band think of it. *random clarinet question without context (or reason)* What strength reeds do you use? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndlerunner he/him Posted July 2, 2018 Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Thanks, and strength 3 usually. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farnsworth Posted July 2, 2018 Report Share Posted July 2, 2018 Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a Moose? A: In a moose, the horns are in the front and the butthole is in the back! Q: How did they invent harmony and melody? A: Two guitarists sight red the same piece. (I'm a guitarist) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sami she/her Posted July 16, 2018 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2018 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndlerunner he/him Posted July 19, 2018 Report Share Posted July 19, 2018 On 7/16/2018 at 1:19 AM, Sami said: This whole picture is absolutely hilarious 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totally_Not_A_Worldhopper she/her Posted July 19, 2018 Report Share Posted July 19, 2018 17 hours ago, Wyndlerunner said: This whole picture is absolutely hilarious Yep. I've got some flute jokes: "Flirty? Maybe a tad bipolar? Will murder in order to become first chair? Flute!" Flute Player: 1% Talent, 2% Determination, 97% Hot Air. And some other jokes: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. A string quartet is composed of the following: One good violinist, one bad violinist, one really bad violinist who felt more comfortable on viola, one cellist who hates all violinists. And I can't attach the picture for some reason, but I also reccomend googling "Personality determiner in band class" for a very funny/insulting image. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Showman he/him Posted July 23, 2018 Report Share Posted July 23, 2018 So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashspren Posted August 12, 2018 Report Share Posted August 12, 2018 (edited) On July 22, 2018 at 6:37 PM, Showman said: So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. THIS IS AMAZING. I needed this... Honestly, though– these jokes are so good that I just can't Handel them. Q: What's the difference between an accompanist and silence? A: You recognize the silence. Funny story: So I'm a pianist, and I accompany a lot of friends who sing. Once, I accompanied a friend during a performance. I literally learned the part to the song in ten minutes, and didn't mess up at all, so I was really proud of myself. After the show, a lady came up to us. She told my friend: "Oh my goodness, your voice is amazing. Your singing brought me to tears. I can't believe how talented you are." She turned to me. "You are so, so lucky to have such a talented friend." Generally, I rant to people and they're like "So? You're just the accompaniment." #SAVE THE ACCOMPANIST BECAUSE WE'RE AWESOME TOO I do sing, though, so I get that it's really satisfying to get complimented for your voice. Q: What's the difference between Kanye and a pianist? A: Kanye has a smaller ego. Q: Why was the singer always dizzy? A: They thought the world was revolving around them. Edited August 12, 2018 by Ashspren 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Doomstick he/him Posted August 24, 2018 Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 (edited) How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Spoiler None, the pianist does it with their left hand! How are trumpet players similar to pirates? Spoiler They’re both murder on the high c’s! Why aren’t there bases in marching band? Spoiler I dunno, but I’ve only heard of walking bass lines in jazz! Edited September 12, 2018 by I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ink he/him Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) Bit of a necro, but had to share this. Edited September 21, 2018 by Inklingspren 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Borio Singaldi he/him Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 Thank you for the necro. We need to keep this wonderful thread alive. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Doomstick he/him Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 look up ice sculptures by Brian Balmages and listen to the basses Spoiler 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashspren Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 12 hours ago, Inklingspren said: Bit of a necro, but had to share this. Ink, this was a necessary necro. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reckless Reader Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 9 hours ago, I am a STICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! said: look up ice sculptures by Brian Balmages and listen to the basses You know, I didn't realize Brian Balmages had a "style" until I listened to this. I just realized that it sounded very stylistically similar to a lot of the other songs I've played by him. Welp I guess I learned something today. Ooh, my band just got all new marching jackets! And our first field show is tonight! I'm so excited!! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MistbornAlpaca he/him Posted September 21, 2018 Report Share Posted September 21, 2018 Q: What's the difference between a violist and a vacuum? A: The vacuum has to be plugged before it sucks. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Doomstick he/him Posted November 12, 2018 Report Share Posted November 12, 2018 How does one keep their violin from getting stolen Spoiler Put it in a viola case 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him Posted November 18, 2018 Report Share Posted November 18, 2018 Spoiler 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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