J. Magi

Now I'm feeling like I shouldn't have dropped stat, and that I could have handled it if I had pushed myself . . . more importantly working towards that scholarship was the only important thing I was doing with this school year aside from AP art. Now that's down the drain I feel like there's so little point in anything I do at school.

I just hate that I feel anxious about something, so then I cut it out of my life because that's what they tell you to do. But then, I feel anxious about cutting it. Because they always say I should push myself if I want to get stronger, and I should go out of my comfort zone--the problem is, is that everything is out of my comfort zone. Everything. Getting out of bed, talking to my friends, going to school, heck sometimes leaving the house is terrifying.

But that's not the case for everyone, and I know I'm not meant to compare myself. But everyone is growing up and becoming stronger, and I stay in the same wishy washy void were I don't really do anything, but I don't not to anything either. 

If I do try to push myself even though I'm scared, I fall apart and can't do that thing anyway. But if I don't, then it raised the question of if I'll ever actually improve. Get better and stronger.

I feel so stuck, and it's entirely my fault.

And it's stupid because not everyone was going to toil over college classes their senior year--I'm sure a good amount of people my age don't care, and just want to graduate. I have all my credits, graduation isn't an issue at all. I even have a different scholarships opportunity I can utilize if I really want to go to college.

And, one could argue that I am improving--because I actually told my parent's I was anxious. I usually just internalize because telling them is scary, but I actually told them how I felt, and I'm proud of myself for that.

Another plus (because I'm trying to make myself feel better), is that without the home hours of studying I'll have more free time and I might be able to handle a job on top of school (and school will be less tiring without a super intensive class).

That being said, if I run away now because the class feels too hard, how can I ever go to college? Because it will just as bad if not harder. If I'm not ready now how will I ever learn to be ready later?

The schedule changes close at 3 pm today, so technically I could still take it back.