Shadowed

holy halls i forgot this existed-

well, i’m back.

maybe?

we’ll see if i actually keep this up or forget about it in a few weeks, but for now, i’m back

it’s been a while, some things have happened in my life since… october 2023? (it’s been THAT LONG?!) but i’m doing okay now :).

so, what’s happened when i’ve been gone? what shenanigans have you amazing people been causing  WAIT WHAT THE EMOJIS CHANGED??!!

yeah, idk what to say really but thanks for reading ig, can’t wait to talk to old friends and make new friends again :))

- shadowed

ps. i did not expect people to be wishing me happy birthday 8 months after i stopped going on here, it’s really nice to know people remember me lol, and that’s probably one of the main reasons why i’m doing this

Hey, you doing alright?

Hey, you doing alright?

Hey, you doing alright?

Happy birthday!

OH MY CHASMS HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! We miss you!!

happy birthdayyyyyy!!!

Good Morning Everyone! If you haven’t already, you should sign up for the Cytoverse Hunger Games!

You can look forward to a crazy arena, incredible characters, even better plot, and lots of fun!

Make sure you pull a few times out of your day to check the thread as it fills up fast.

Come sign up!!!!! @Shadowed

And after you sign up you can come join our new and wonderful, Pre-Hunger Games RP so you can develop your characters and join in on tribute drama!

The next one most likely won’t be until Christmas or after Christmas, so please take the time for this games. Our Gamemakers are very busy in this season of the year and are struggling with scheduling. Come enjoy it now while it’s here! 

has no one i follow posted an su since saturday, or are my notifs broken?

so, you know how sensory overload exists?

is emotional overload a thing? like, when you feel so many emotions at once that you get overwhelmed and can’t really function?

(for context, i’m currently curled up in a corner of a music practice room on the verge of tears because playing music makes me feel things and i’ve played a lot of music today [yes, i know, it’s kinda a pathetic reason for being basically nonfunctional right now but whatever])

anyway- how’s everyone’s day been? (or how was yesterday? am i timezoning right-?)

I just watched the Truman Show...

 

can i have a small rant about something real quick?

today was the first day back at school. so, of course, we had to have an assembly.

the teacher who was leading it talked a lot about failures and how it’s okay to fail and it helps us grow and learn, which i agree with in principle.

BUT THEN he went on to show us pictures of people opening the envelopes with their exam results (idk what the american equivalent is but there are two sets of important exams you do when you’re 16 and 18 in my country) and he basically said ‘failure is okay but if you fail to get the grades you need for what you want to do in life then that’s not good enough and you should have tried harder.’ He also literally used the words ‘probably deserve it’. 

like i’m sorry WHAT

what a great way to encourage people taking those very exams in the not so distant future!

anyways-

how’s everyone’s life been since I last went on here? i’m going to try and be more active  

Good morning

Oof. Okay, deep breaths.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okayokayokay

I wanna say something. And if people end up hating me for it, then sucks for them.

So, uh-

I am biologically a female. But recently, I haven't always felt feminine. I'm not saying that I'm transgender. Not at all. I just don't always feel like a woman, I guess.

Like, I enjoy wearing dresses sometimes, but I don't like having... how do I say this- the stuff at the top. And I bought a binder (for those of you who don't know, binders are the thing that some people use to  flatten the "top junk." It looks kind of like a bra.) so that I don''t have to deal with it all the time, but I think I might be wearing it too much.  Like, to the point where my lungs have started hurting so bad that I'll be gasping for air. And yes, I'm fairly certain it's because of the binder, and not because of something else, because it doesn't happen when I'm not wearing it.

But here's the thing. I don't want to not wear it. I feel more myself when I wear it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm either agender or non-binary. And that wearing a binder might be hurting me physically, but it's given me some clarity, mentally. But I'm trying to decide if the binder is worth it. I don't know how I feel about it, but  I do know that when I wore the binder for the first time, I felt more me. I don't want to lose that. It's the only thing that's made sense to me during this messed-up summer.

but yeah. also please don't just like, read this and then not say anything, because then I'll get super anxious because I won't know how you feel about it.

I threw myself under the bus to friendzone this kid. I don’t know what else to do, and now that I think about it it was probably a crappy way to do it. But this is so hard and awkward and idk what I’m doing and how to get myself out of this mess. Like… he’s not even happy! I’m not happy! It’s not going to work for him to keep thinking maybe he has a chance. I’m really sorry to say it, but he doesn’t. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can really appreciate him. 

will I ever find my person? Who knows. I might not even HAVE a person. I could be bi (this is something I’ve thought a lot about lately actually because I genuinely think I could be bisexual. The idea scares me a little though because it’s not so widely accepted and my parents don’t really support it and it’s all new stuff and I have no idea if I actually am just that I think I possibly could be) and maybe I’m looking for the wrong kind of person entirely. 

I feel lost. Correction: I AM lost. I am so lost. I’m also sunburnt but happily because I’m a little more tan than I was before  

anyways enjoy this:

you know, having depression is a lot more than just the stereotypes: it’s more than just the taking pills, talking to your therapist, and always feeling sad. it’s more than people giving you that look when you tell them you have depression, it’s more than people asking how they can help.

it’s all that, yeah, but it’s also just being… down. not sad, but just kinda down.

it’s waking up, blinking, and realizing today is gonna be a day that just feels down. it’s going through that day in a haze, sleeping most of it away: friends are busy, you can’t socialize, so your battery is just drained.

it’s relapsing with something you want to fix, with something you’re trying to fix. it’s not really feeling like you’re the person who’s always smiling and helping others. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to be that person. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to hold, you just want to be held. it’s not having the motivation to open up that book, pick up that pencil, put away that shirt, or really do anything.

it’s thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be a bit better if i weren’t here.

 

of course, the second i have those thoughts, i panic a bit inside. okay, i panic a lot. i wonder at the repercussions of that: what would happen if i did leave?

would my mother ever smile again?

would my friends ever laugh at a joke again? would my friends feel guilty?

but above all, i think of what she would feel. would she ever love again? could she? i hope she’d be able to.

after all, im just a sad boy who can’t do anything right, who despite all his attempts to fix and lift up… simply can’t. im just a sad boy who doesn’t deserve all this love from everybody.

 

those meds i got, they make me worried. i don’t know why i’m worried. i’m always worried. what will these meds do? will they make me happier, but less empathetic? will they change me? they told me it’s a chemical imbalance. they told me my sadness is due to a problem in my brain. but if that’s fixed, how does my brain change? i wonder a lot. i worry a lot.

it’s anxiety, and it’s depression. it compounds, like i’m a cursed Twinborn, doomed with an ability that if left unchecked, could go from Savantism… to a cemetery.

 

i don’t want to die. but i don’t want to be sad. it’s a fine line to walk, between avoiding those thoughts, and keeping that smile up. keeping that smile up is… so tiring.

i’m so tired. i’m just so damn tired.

and i can’t do anything. i tried to save my sister, and she still almost was lost to me. another sister is struggling now, and i worry she will go down a similar path. if she does, i will not be able to recover as well. i worry and i worry and i worry and i try to help but i storming can’t, i scudding can’t.

i can’t do anything. i can’t do anything. what can i do? my words will fade. my emotions cannot be transferred through a screen, and everyone’s too far away to hold close to me.

i can’t cry, either. i think i’ve said that. i can’t cry. i don’t know why i can’t cry. i feel all the emotions, deep deep down, but they never rise. i can shout and scream and beg them to rise and bubble and spill over so i can break for a night… but they don’t.

i don’t know when they will.

i don’t know if they will.

 

i’m really just ranting, you don’t have to read all of this. it’s not a suicide note, if you’ve been wondering. they’re just thoughts. i don’t like pain, i have too low a pain tolerance.

look at me. too much a pussy to even find some other avenue of escape.

 

in truth, i am a coward. i speak mightily with my lips, but when told to actually do something, i panic: i don’t know what to do. so i cower in a corner. i sit and wallow and feel miserable as peoples lives around me fall apart. my words fall apart, with all the skill i had in writing them.

 

i know there’s a God. i’ve felt His touch. but sometimes, it’s just hard to reach out. because of how damn tired i am. who could love me, with my anxiety and sadness and self-doubt? i’m self-conscious, too: i don’t like most of my body. i really just don’t. i wear long pants even though i’m in texas because i don’t like my legs. i don’t ever ever go shirtless, because i don’t like my upper body. i never wear tank tops or anything like that, i don’t like how pale my arms and shoulders are. i’m not muscular.

i’m a bit too flabby for my own liking. and oh, i’d love to fix it, i really would, but i just… can’t.

 

maybe things would be better if i was gone. i don’t know… i know i’ve spoken of a future, and it’s a future i so desperately want, but dammit i don’t want to burden others in that future if im just like this the whole time.

 

kylie, if you read this: you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. despite telling you of the things i struggle with, i’ve never shared something like this. this is from the deepest parts of my soul.

 

and i want you to read it. i want others that i love to read it. not my family, i don’t know what they’d do if they read this, but everybody else can read it. everyone else can know my heart.

 

no, i don’t like myself.

no, i don’t understand at all how someone could love me.

yes, i look at myself and wonder how in the absolute hell someone can love me.

yes, i sometimes wonder if leaving this world would be better.

yes, i care too much. i care way too much. it only leads to pain. so much pain. so, so much pain.

 

i am hurting. i am grieving. i am in agony.

how can one love an agonized, troubled, and undeserving being such as i? how can one look at me and say, “yes, i love this one. i really do.”

 

i don’t really believe you. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i want to, but i just can’t bring myself to believe. i see it, i see the love, but i just- i can’t believe it.

 

please, i know i want to. and i probably will. like i’ve said, you astound me, you render me speechless. but i’ve been broken a bit too many times for my taste to really believe anymore. maybe the meds will help.

 

or maybe i’m just in a bad state right now. my love for you is real though. don’t ever doubt that. my love for you goes beyond my love for myself. but i guess you can put that together because of what you’ve read here.

 

i’m not sure who this is addressed to. a bit of it goes to her, a bit to others, it’s mostly me shouting into the void, and hoping someone will reach into the void, grab me by the hand, and pull me into an embrace so warm i just… break.

 

i’m so… tired. i just want a break, i just want to break, i’m just so damn tired.

 

i’ll see you all when i’m feeling better, cause then i’ll shove this all deep down again, and it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

 

cause that’s what always happens.

Happiest birthday wishes to you, friend.

I can’t. 

I can’t.

I want to scream. I want to scream and cry and bang my head against a wall until I go unconscious. 

I want to tear everything she loves to SHREDS and take away everyone she loves. She’s supposed to love me, but she doesn’t even care. SHE DOESN’T EVEN CARE! AND SHES SO DAMN BLIND AND EVERYBODY LOVES HER SO MUCH BECAUSE SHES JUST A LITTLE PERFECT ANGEL WHO MAKES NO MISTAKES AND GETS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE SHE WANTS. AND I HATE HER. 

I want to twist her perfect little world into what I see, make her feel how I feel. This pain and loneliness and agonizing hollowness in my chest would become hers, and then I would be the one laughing.  

and i can’t keep living like this because it makes me want to die. 

I

am

not

worth

anything

Hey y'all! It's my Shardiversary today(has it really been a year?)! And I just wanted to say y'all have been awesome!
First, I'm going to mention someone that I don't really know, but that I admire, and that's @Treamayne My friend, you always are so painstaking in answering all the theories and you always put so much time, thought and effort in answering and citing everything. Go you! Sorry if this is random.
Next up is @Shining Silhouette. You're so friendly and SO AMAZING at piano. You are one of the first people who comes to mind when I think of cool Sharders. I'm not good at articulating my thoughts, so this won't be very eloquent, but just know that y'all are all awesome, not proportionally to how much I say about you.
@CalanoCorvus, you're such a good writer and are so friendly and cool to hang out with. Thanks for reading my story!
@The Wandering Wizard, you're such a cool dude. Your wisdom and randomness are so much fun.
@Cinnamon, you are so sweet and so much fun to be around! Go you. And thanks for all your feedback on The Night's Broken Daughter.
 @Shadowed, continue being awesome, because you already are! But keep doing it! Thanks to you too with your help on TNBD.
@Robin Sedai, you are kind and awesome and also articulate. Good job!

Sorry this has been really short and I KNOW I'm forgetting some people. But if I don't post this now, I never will.
 

guess what

so i’m in paris on a school trip and we’re meant to be coming back today.  we were meant to be in calais to get our ferry at 6pm local time, except we had a car/coach accident (everyone is fine and safe, don’t worry) so we were sat in an overheating, un-ventilated coach on the side of a roundabout for an hour and a half while they sorted out insurance and stuff. they had police as well since we were a coach full of 35 kids which got crashed into by an old man, and 3 people (me included) were freaking out/having panic attacks. so that was fun.

but anyway that led to us missing our ferry…

so currently it’s 8.30 pm and we’re about to get on a ferry that leaves at 9. we’re gonna get back home at 3am and i cannot wait.

idk why i’m posting this, i’m just scudding frustrated at the whole day and how we’ve been late for literally everything for the past four days.

TW suicide

 

 

what do you do when one of your besties starts texting things like

”see you in another life”

”i guess i’ll move on”

”i’ll miss you when i’m- *changes subject*”

”thank you for everything but i can’t do this anymore”

(and some other stuff which i’m not gonna put cause it might make some people uncomfortable)

context: me and a few of my friends are in paris on a school trip (!!) but not the person texting those things. their boyfriend broke up with them because apparently they were forcing their suicidal thoughts on everyone and it was making him uncomfortable. meanwhile, me and two of our friends are literally hundreds of miles away trying to figure out what the scud is going on back home, and then we start getting the suicide texts.

um ok i’m rambling now so i’m gonna just shut up and post this but any advice would be much appreciated.

Y’all, idk what to do. 

I gotta get help but idk how or when or who…

Anyone got any LGBTQIA+ teen book recommendations? Or just books in general?

guys i need your help

i’ve been asked to do a solo in the concert of one of my windband director’s choirs, 2 solo pieces plus basic accompaniments for some of theirs. 

what do i wear???????

i have like a month and a half so it’s not urgent (oh scud i only have a month and a half to prepare helppp) but i have no idea since i hate all dresses and want something interesting but formal without being too ‘out there’ or brightly coloured. (i’m kinda picky with what i wear lol)

any advice would be appreciated much thank yous

guys i need your help

i’ve been asked to do a solo in the concert of one of my windband director’s choirs, 2 solo pieces plus basic accompaniments for some of theirs. 

what do i wear???????

i have like a month and a half so it’s not urgent (oh scud i only have a month and a half to prepare helppp) but i have no idea since i hate all dresses and want something interesting but formal without being too ‘out there’ or brightly coloured. (i’m kinda picky with what i wear lol)

any advice would be appreciated much thank yous