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I canāt.Ā
IĀ canāt.
I want to scream. I want to scream and cry and bang my head against a wall until I go unconscious.Ā
I want to tear everything she loves to SHREDS and take away everyone she loves. Sheās supposed to love me, but she doesnāt even care. SHE DOESNāT EVEN CARE! AND SHES SO DAMN BLIND AND EVERYBODY LOVES HER SO MUCH BECAUSE SHES JUST A LITTLE PERFECT ANGEL WHO MAKES NO MISTAKES AND GETS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONEĀ SHE WANTS. AND I HATE HER.Ā
I want to twist her perfect little world into what I see, make her feel how I feel. This pain and loneliness and agonizing hollowness in my chest would become hers, and then I would be the one laughing.Ā Ā
and i canāt keep living like this because it makes me want to die.Ā
I
am
not
worth
anything
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donāt know if this is useful, but i just thought iād add my input, from the point of view of someone whose brother has said words to this effect about them before. (iām not in the same position as you though - i have (mostly) fair and loving parents)
i have to be the perfect golden daughter else i donāt feel enough. iāve based my entire self-worth, my entire life, around pleasing my parents. and, for some reason, it works, which sometimes means they disregard my brother to support me. and i hate it and i wish theyād help my brother, a legitimate human being with real hopes and desires, instead of me, a fake liar putting on an act. but i canāt do anything about it.
what i think iām suggesting is, idk if youāve tried this before and it sounds obvious and cliche, but try talking to her and putting her in your position. you never know, she might have her own monsters that she just hides well.
(sorry for the mini-rant)
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kajsa you say you arenāt worth anything.
but thatās a damn lie.
thatās the biggest damn lie from Shallan saying smth like āIām fine :3ā
you are worthĀ so much.Ā to me, to your Father in Heaven, and i donāt know if your religious, but i swear to you, He cares about you so much. He loves you.
everyone here loves you too. living like this is not the way to live, i completely agree, but i need you to trust that things will get better. they always do. it might take a bit longer than you expect, but i swear to you that things will get better.
i promise you, kajsa, someday you will feel love as you completely should and as you completely deserve. when that day happens, know that there were and are people here for you every single damn step of the way.
i love you, sister, and i promise things will improve.
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(Sorry Iām late) I feel that, Kajsa. I feel it to my bones. But you know the most beautiful thing? Itās not true.Ā Itās. Not. True.Ā This anger is strong, itās overpowering, and it turns off everything else. It burns so hot and the only way to get rid of it is to shove it out and destroy. But like picking a scab, it only gives the anger more reason and room to thrive. Itās hard to make the feelings leave, and if thereās anything I can do, please let me know.