Kajsa

you guys know that feeling of being completely and totally out of energy even for the things you want to do, yet at the same time you're impatient to keep... going? To keep doing, keep checking off the boxes, keep rushing into tomorrow? And yet you're completely drained of energy?

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

cuz that's me right now. i'm so ready for thanksgiving break already... but i hate to think of the changes it might bring. I really struggle with change; that's where most of my mental problems stemmed from. We were talking about our ballad (Au Revoir by One Republic) over the weekend at show choir and what it was really about, and my director literally made me and some other kids cry. I didn't, like, actively cry, but I couldn't see through my tears and had to violently pick at my fingernails with shaky hands to keep the tears from spilling over. Everything he said just hit me so hard. He talked about how sometimes people grow apart and never know why, and sometimes you can just never get close again no matter how hard you try, how some relationships can't be fixed or healed, and how hard it is to cope with change. He talked about the melancholy, tragic feeling that inevitably accompanies nostalgia, and how it's extremely difficult to accept that things are different now. It's hard to accept that the people around you are changing, and before you know it, you've changed too, and now nothing in your life is constant. He said so much more, too, but it struck me hard and gave me insight into why I had such a struggle last year.

The shift into something new from last school year into this one, as well as leaving the lds church, on top of leaving so many of my friends behind and knowing that my whole life was going to change forever really unsettled me and got me caught in this... ghastly loop of self-blame and hatred, longing for what I couldn't have, jealousy, depression, anxiety, unrealistic distortions and views on the world and my life, etc. 

I realized over the weekend that change is the stem of so many of my mental issues. The timeline of my struggles matches up with my realization (they started around the end of last school year--towards the end of show choir season--and got the worst over the summer, and I'm okay now that things are stable), and it honestly makes so much sense. I wasn't upset because of the way my family was, the homework load I had, the gaps I'd created in my friendships, or anything else. I was upset because my life was being literally uprooted by huge changes, and I had no clue how to cope. 

I think that one SU I wrote about post-show depression after my musical was my plummet into the deep end. Crying myself to sleep became a common occurrence, and I was so dreading the start of a new life that I turned to self-harm during the summer. It all mostly stemmed from change.

Knowing this now, I think I'll be better able to prevent situations like my mental health crisis. It also explains why I'd felt such a deep connection and literally sobbed the first time I heard Au Revoir. It's an incredibly beautiful song and y'all should go listen to it.

Wow, that was a long tangent, but I had to get those thoughts out somewhere. Props to you if you're still reading xD

anyways, I should go do my homework.