SmilingPanda19

*GASPS* 

IM ALIVE!!!

I MISSED YOU GUYS!!!

also

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

Anywho

Ive been off the grid for the past few days, I’ve only managed to get texts through so sorry I haven’t been on.

Im going to need a little update, though I’ve checked some profiles and I will check some rps soooo yeah

It’s good to be back, I really did miss you guys.

I love you guys a lot, but it was kind of nice to get away…

For the first time in a long time I spent four days anxiety and depressive episode free. I legitimately forgot what it felt like to be free.

 past here I’m just going to talk about some stuff that have been going on so if you don’t care then don’t read.

—————————

Boy was that an experience.

I really did forget what it felt like to not feel…….so weighed down.

I miss that. 

I didn’t have to worry about what anyone thought or who I was and I could just exist and I wouldn’t be a problem to anyone or anything.

Thats ended, that’s over, it’s gone now.

That feeling has left me, sadly, but I am thankful I managed to hold onto it for three or four days.

I  wish it didn’t have to be that way, where that feeling fleets quickly.

Im going try and hold it, but I already knew it was gone last night.

I was lying in bed and couldn’t help but feel a deep self hatred. 
 

I kept asking myself, why can’t I fit in everywhere? You fit in great with a group of completely random strangers on a big stupid boat, why not back at home?

Why can’t you look like that? You found someone who is the perfect image of what you would love to look like physically, why can’t you be like that? Why won’t you cut your hair? Are you afraid of what people will say? Why don’t you change your style? What’s stopping you?

I couldn’t get them to go away so I just turned on some music and went to sleep, trying to ignore it.

Those thoughts still haunt me in the back of my mind.

Why can’t I just be who I want without feeling restricted? 
 

And the hard thing is there is one thing that I’ve been telling myself to tame the thoughts.

Things will get better in college, you can have a fresh start.

But the truth is I still have several years before college and I know my mental health is just going to get worse as I get older.

I don’t know what to do.

Im going to try and take care of myself more. Drink more water. Keep myself clean. Keep up the schoolwork. 

I have so many songs I’ve been relating to lately and it’s scaring me honestly.

I don’t know what I’m doing or how to deal with all these feelings. I know it’s part of growing up, but I don't think feeling this much…deep hatred for myself is just “normal”. 
 

Like this hatred isn’t up front. It’s way down there, deep down. Like if you asked me if I thought I was beautiful, I would say yes. But the second the word leaves my lips my own mind is screaming at me. I know it’s not true, but I can hold a smile while my heart and mind is melting inside of me where I don’t know what’s what anymore. Are these just thoughts or is this seeping into my heart? Do I really think I’m not worthy of love? Do I really think I don’t belong or deserve anything?

My best friend says it sounds kind of like a bit of imposter syndrome. I don’t know though.

I just…..

Help.

Thats the only word I can think of.

Im dying.

I started healing, I could feel my mind building back up, healing itself up. But it crashed.

Im slowly fading to this illness, things are blurring. Mind and heart have become one. Feeling and reality are mixing. Value and lies are being weighed the same.

I wish I was brave.

I wish I was strong.

I wish I was courageous.

maybe then I wouldn’t be afraid, no, terrified of this creeping disease. But I’m terrified.

What happens if I don’t get help?

What happens if I never find love?

what happens if I don’t live a valuable life?

what happens if I never do anything with my life?

………….

Thanks for listening to my rant. I guess I just spiraled. I already know I’m going to get hugs so thank you. I really do love you guys. I just…. I don’t understand what’s happening and I’m being told it’s normal by my parents but this doesn’t feel normal. I don’t think this is ‘just part of growing up’