Silver Phantom

you guys know that feeling of being completely and totally out of energy even for the things you want to do, yet at the same time you're impatient to keep... going? To keep doing, keep checking off the boxes, keep rushing into tomorrow? And yet you're completely drained of energy?

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

cuz that's me right now. i'm so ready for thanksgiving break already... but i hate to think of the changes it might bring. I really struggle with change; that's where most of my mental problems stemmed from. We were talking about our ballad (Au Revoir by One Republic) over the weekend at show choir and what it was really about, and my director literally made me and some other kids cry. I didn't, like, actively cry, but I couldn't see through my tears and had to violently pick at my fingernails with shaky hands to keep the tears from spilling over. Everything he said just hit me so hard. He talked about how sometimes people grow apart and never know why, and sometimes you can just never get close again no matter how hard you try, how some relationships can't be fixed or healed, and how hard it is to cope with change. He talked about the melancholy, tragic feeling that inevitably accompanies nostalgia, and how it's extremely difficult to accept that things are different now. It's hard to accept that the people around you are changing, and before you know it, you've changed too, and now nothing in your life is constant. He said so much more, too, but it struck me hard and gave me insight into why I had such a struggle last year.

The shift into something new from last school year into this one, as well as leaving the lds church, on top of leaving so many of my friends behind and knowing that my whole life was going to change forever really unsettled me and got me caught in this... ghastly loop of self-blame and hatred, longing for what I couldn't have, jealousy, depression, anxiety, unrealistic distortions and views on the world and my life, etc. 

I realized over the weekend that change is the stem of so many of my mental issues. The timeline of my struggles matches up with my realization (they started around the end of last school year--towards the end of show choir season--and got the worst over the summer, and I'm okay now that things are stable), and it honestly makes so much sense. I wasn't upset because of the way my family was, the homework load I had, the gaps I'd created in my friendships, or anything else. I was upset because my life was being literally uprooted by huge changes, and I had no clue how to cope. 

I think that one SU I wrote about post-show depression after my musical was my plummet into the deep end. Crying myself to sleep became a common occurrence, and I was so dreading the start of a new life that I turned to self-harm during the summer. It all mostly stemmed from change.

Knowing this now, I think I'll be better able to prevent situations like my mental health crisis. It also explains why I'd felt such a deep connection and literally sobbed the first time I heard Au Revoir. It's an incredibly beautiful song and y'all should go listen to it.

Wow, that was a long tangent, but I had to get those thoughts out somewhere. Props to you if you're still reading xD

anyways, I should go do my homework. 

So
I finished Les Mis, the unabridged version. Skipping the random-unrelated-to-the-plot parts.
Thoughts:

 

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHASF:HADKG:LKAJFS

THE TRAILER FOR THE LIVE ACTION AVATAR SERIES JUST DROPPED AND IT LOOKS SO COOL

THE CASTING WAS AMAZING, THE ATMOSPHERE WAS AMAZING, IT JUST LOOKS AMAZING

OHMYGOSHIMSOEXCITED

IT COMES OUT IN FEBRUARY AGHA:SFJDFJ

“Almost dead yesterday, maybe dead tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive, today.”

2 shows today.

1 show tomorrow.

2 shows Saturday.

1 show Monday.

Stars above. I love this, but…I need a nap.

Life advice:

Leaving homework till the last minute equals no sleep

(If anyone is interested in learning about space-time, y'all better learn some linear algebra.)

Burn.

Let the anger overcome you. Let yourself be furious. You feel it, I can tell, feel the pain of a million injustices, a number that grows daily. Feel the pain of everything you’ve ever wanted and never had…but don’t let it grow stagnant or it will turn into a rancid pool of misery. 

Keep the pain moving, flowing, keep it hot and sharp. Sadness will sink into your bones and tear you apart from the inside, but we don’t want that, oh no we don’t. Let the pain burst into a flame of anger that covers your skin like the dangerous shield that it is. Don’t let anyone get too close; if they get close you must burn them…

Yes, yes, burn them. Light yourself on fire and watch their flesh melt from their muscle melt from their bones melt into nothing, all amidst the vapor formed by blood boiling so hot that it’s turned to a faintly red gas…there will not even be ashes left to remember them by. Cover yourself in a shield and protect yourself so thoroughly that no one will ever dream of coming close. Burn, burn, burn…

Break them.

Why do they deserve to live?

What gives them the right to smile?

Why do they get to remember how to laugh?

No.

They don’t deserve it.

They have no right,

No pleasure,

No choice.

Are you going to let them take away your choice?

You will make them burn.

You see them, sitting there? You see them, laughing without the slightest care at the battle that is tearing you apart?

Do they feel the pounding in their heads, forcing them to hide as best they can, taking away every choice until there is nothing left to choose but what they will make of the endless pain?

No.

They don’t.

But you do.

You feel it.

You see it.

You know it.

You know it so well, you’ve started to wonder if there’s even a person left beneath your shield of flames. 

And do you know…

Do you know that it doesn’t matter?

The person is redundant; all that’s needed is the fire, the destruction, the anger, the burning burning burning rage…kill them. Hurt them. End them. Break them. Break them until their perfect lips are too blistered to smile, until their lungs are too full of smoke to laugh, until their eyes are too blinded by the flames to sparkle. Break them because if you don’t, they will surely find a way through your shield and they will break you.

Are you ready?

Come along, child.

I see your rage. They are better than you, it’s true. They are stronger, prouder, taller, prettier, smarter, better. They could break you without even trying, but they don’t need to; why should they waste time with a mortal so far below them? They can’t imagine that there’s anything you could do to them.

Shall we prove them wrong, you and I?

Let’s go, then.

Why are you crying?

Getting ready to work on my costume and/or kill some one. Who knows the night is young

 

When you finish the Poppy War

 

Okay, it's technically past midnight, but I got my writing done so it's fine.

NaNoWriMo day 4 was so fun. I got to write a whole fight scene, which I sometimes hate, but this one was fun. 

I need your guys' help though. I'm on a quest to find as many tragic love songs as possible for my new playlist full of tragic love songs (because those make me so happy for some reason) so if ANY of you have recommendations for tragic love songs I swear I'll listen to them. The more tragic, the better! 

I also love tragic romances as a book genre, those make me happy too. A part of me wishes Yumi and the Nightmare Painter had been one of those, but I understand that it was a brilliant decision (see my Yumi essay to see why) but even though I don't have time to read I would also love if you guys let me know what books have tragic romances. I can't be the only one who likes those, even if I am an outlier.  

That's really all I have to say today, thanks for reading my updates! It really makes me feel special every time I see comments or likes, so I really appreciate you guys. Good luck with your writing or any other pursuit you happen to be pursuing!

Today's W Count: 2267

Total W Count: 8727

Question of the day : Which is your favorite stormlight interlude?

Mine is the Ishikk one, cuz 

TFE+cosmere(Kind of...)

 

Taylor Swift is a genius that is all thank you for coming to my TED Talk

So I didn’t get done with what I wanted to, so here is a photo of my completed spear and almost completed shield. I will post when my shield is fully done, and the Saturday before Dragonsteel I will do a full photo with clothing, wig, a face reveal, and a surprise 

Taylor Swift is a genius that is all thank you for coming to my TED Talk

Hope. 

Hope is an art.

Hope is to believe in something.

Hope is to beleive in someone.

Hope is the lifeblood of humanity.

If we had no hope, what would we be? 

If we had no belief, what would be? 

If there was no hope, there would be nothing. 

For all that has hope is creation. For without hope, everything that is wouldn’t.

And creation is an art. 

And so hope is an art.

As a proud Swiftie I am pleased to announce my most recent purchase

 

I ran a race. In front of me, 

Was a man who ran too fast to see.

And then he blew his knee.

He trembled on his sturdy leg,

Fell down to the ground, and rolled like an egg.

He was the 13th reg.

He fell in front of me.

I jumped and cleared him and soon was free.

I was first, to win was only feet.

I glanced behind.

And into my mind 

Came his eyes, his long for someone kind.

With one more step to be stepped, 

My mind had his pleading kept.

My heart leaped.

He wailed in pain.

He was hurt, slain.

And what did I have to gain?

I stopped.

For me, the trophy had been dropped.

And I flew back, 12 soon topped.

I heard the chears, 

But I only felt the rears

As I grabbed 13’s hand wet by tears.

We walked the rest of the race.

 

Sixty years and I returned.

I saw the track that I had spurned.

And saw 12, and remembered the lesson I had learned.

He stood alone, a frown to his face.

I stood with friends, surrounded by grace.

And I thought once more that it was not just a race.

Sooo. Halloween is over. And I still have my mist cloak. I'm not really sure what to do with it. Maybe I can make a shrine like (Era 2)

Any ideas?

(plz excuse my terrible grammar and run-on sentences; learning about other stuff in school has mushied the grammatical portion of my brain )

lol u guys i can't xD

I just realized this morning (after THREE MONTHS of this class) that I spelled "World Geography" on my folder like "World Geograhy". ...in sharpie 

AND

My teacher spelled it the same way on our Google Classroom--

I'm still stressed, but other than that my day's going pretty well. I had show choir rehearsal last night, and it was much better than they usually are; I was in a crappy mood until my director showed up all positive and energetic and I was like "eyyyyyyyyyyy!" and his energy helped me turn mine around,  and then I had a great day.

I got better sleep, too, and was able to wake up earlier. There's really nothing interesting going on currently, just... regular school stuff. I did have this like weird realization the other day that it's like when I'm wearing my shoes I'm able to focus on productivity more than when I'm not wearing them... so I was in them for 14 hours yesterday  (I mean, that's how it goes most Thursdays anyway, but I was more productive. Well... I took a power nap in the library en lieu of actually doing stuff that's due today. Okay, so maybe I was less productive. Whatever xD.) and almost wrote a poem about them. It's weird, cuz like there are so many things i take for granted, and I keep having philosophical moments of realization, and they're always about like the most random things xD

aaaaanyways--

PEETA'S NAME IS A TYPE OF BREAD?!?

this is glorious

i love it so much

<33

I...think I need to take a break from the shard (sorry but that means someone else will need to play the robot's lover). It'll probably only be for a couple days and I may hop on here and there, but my mental is just... absolutely terrible rn and...yeah.

Don't worry I'll be fine, just one less thing to stress about will be nice.

Starting the 3rd secret novel tonight

 

Yikes. Sorry I'm almost never active. 

My screen time is limited to being able to use it from 6 am to 9 pm and I only have 2 and a half hours of total usage throughout the day. 

I also have been having a hectic past month, with some stuff going on with my brother struggling in school, and having to switch to another, and my test grades have plummeted because of this huge ordeal, and my overall life is crashing down around me, but I'm trying my best to fight it, and you know, keep up my social life, so...   

I drew a thing :3

i was looking at my old art and i was like  “woah” 

early June-November was a big improvement cuz I think I drew like every day—

June:

November:

I’ve still got a way to go, but my confidence has gotten way better and my rendering skills are pretty much where I want them to be

how are you lovely people

Rapunzel!!!

 

In other news: