Just-A-Stick

You need to hear this.

Whoever the storms you are, regardless of your race, gender, pronouns, religion, political standing, or any of the other ways we choose to divide ourselves. You, yes, you need to hear this.

   Life is hard. Living hurts. I'm hurting too. We all are, in our own ways... I'm getting stronger. Read that again. Say it out loud. I'm getting stronger. It hurts now, it's hell now, I don't want to go on... But I'm standing here, choosing to go on. I am strong enough. I'm good enough. I can feel my feelings. I can let the tears fall. I can not be okay. 

   It will be okay, eventually... It might not be today, true... It might not be tomorrow, next week, a month from now... It might take years. I'm sorry for the wait. I'm sorry that healing hurts. I'm sorry that it's like this... You don't deserve this pain. It's not your fault.... I want to hug you, to hold you and tell you it's going to be okay. I need you to trust me on this. It will get better. Just keep breathing. 

    I have panic attacks, where it feels like my lungs are single-handedly trying to kill me. Like I'm being constricted. I can't breathe, so I panic more. My mind races. I can't think straight. I had a fairly intense one the other day. I thought I was dying I couldn't see the other side of the attack... My closest friend laid beside me, as the tears were almost coming, as my chest was heaving. She just held my hand. When I was at my weakest, when I thought I was a goner. She held me tightly. She told me to breathe. She didn't try to convince me of anything. All she said was "Please, breathe for me. It's okay... it's going to be okay... it's going to get better..." Over and over, her voice and her touch the only thing I could focus on. She just held me, told me over and over, softly in my ear, "I love you, It's okay... it won't last forever... just breathe..." She breathed with me, showing me how. Her grip on my hand never faltered, not for a second. 

   Where am I going with this? Well, I know that not all of you have someone like that. I'm sure a lot of you could use someone like that. When that happens. Breathe for me? If no one else would care if you stopped, I care. Breathe for me. PM me, ask for my email, breathe for me. If you stop, you'll never get to see everything get better. You'll never get to find that thing you're searching for, you'll never get to see the life that was designed for you by a loving hand. You have dreams, I know you do. You really want to leave those behind? Just... give up on those plans you made? I don't think you do... 

   Guys, life is scary sometimes. This coming from the girl who just spent the night in the emergency room because of another suicide attempt. I was scared. I am scared. But, I'm also taking steps toward healing. Yes, they are hard! Yes, they hurt! But, that is healing. That is falling and getting back up. That is stumbling along your path in life. Please, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is for you to talk to someone- anyone- about what you are feeling. I'm here, if you have no one else. I'll be your friend. I'll hold you, as best as I can. 

   Broken. What a hopeless word. I know some of you- who I won't mention- think you are to broken to find help. This is a lie. This isn't true. I don't know what your situation is, but you aren't hopeless. Say that out loud. I'm not hopeless. I'm not beyond help. See? It's true. I am here. I can be a lil chaotic at times- you guys know this. But I'm here, all the same. Let me- or someone else- hold you. You don't have to carry it alone anymore. This is not your burden. It's NOT. Okay? I want you to believe that.

     If you aren't religious, aren't a Christian like I am, then you may ignore this part.

     Guys, Jesus... he died so that he could carry all this for you. All this died on the cross, only it didn't rise again. You don't struggle alone. Please, the strongest lie you can tell yourself is that you're alone.

Say that for me. I am not alone. People care about you. I care about you. Please, just take that next breath. Take that next step and tell someone. Tell me, talk to someone you trust, write it down, process the feelings, but don't plan anything. Think, but don't dwell. I love you, whoever you are. I'm right here. I'm hanging on. It will be worth it, when I turn around and look at the journey. I'm getting stronger. Like a friend said to me.

                                                   "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."

        You are getting stronger. I believe you can do this. I love you. I care. I'm here. Take a breath. 

                                                                                 ~Stick 2-20-24