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Just-A-Stick

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  1. Stick's Poems (only)

    in Creator's Corner

    Posted

    So, I'm going to find all of my poems from everywhere and put them all in one place for your convenience.

    I'll try to get them in the order they were written, so that the further you read, the better they get? (in theory)

    The first one I wrote:

    Spoiler

    When Life Falls Apart

     

    I Won't ever

    Understand

    Why

    So much suffering

    Is on Earth.

    We try To make

    The best of it;

    Fix our circumstances,

    But we fail.

    We fall. Fall.

    A deep, dark pit Yawns before us.

    At the bottom,

    There is no light, No upward path.

    Just memories, sorrow, pain.

    Regrets, choices, ghosts.

    The way we act

    When Life falls apart. It leaves wounds.

    We bleed.

    Our souls die.

    No hope.

    And yet.

    There is hope.

    Somewhere in the darkness.

    Huddled, like a child;

    Afraid. Afraid of what was lost.

    Afraid of what could be found.

    Afraid of Life.

    Afraid of Death.

    Afraid to dream again.

    To start over.

    To build up.

    But we know that we must.

    Start over.

    Adopt Hope.

    Begin living again.

    Fight our way.

    Out of the dark.

    The hole.

    The emptiness.

    Others help us climb.

    Through the pain.

    The misery. And when we stumble, they help with our burdens.

    We build again.

    Build strength.

    Stamina.

    Resilience.

    We grow our hope, In our hearts.

    As we get closer,

    To the light, Hope spreads;

    Vining outward.

    Ever upward.

    To the light.

    To peace.

    To living again. We take the pieces of our lives;

    Once scattered,

    Across the barren wastelands

    Of despair.

    And put them back together.

    Little by little.

    Until the pain is gone.

    Healed.

    ~ Stick 11-14-23

    As far as I know, that's the first? I'm not sure if the date is exactly right, but it's as close as possible.

    And now I'll just keep going, one per box :) Note: A few don't have dates :P 

    Spoiler

    Abandoned 

     
     
    Lost
    Forgotten
    Alone
    Did I ever make a difference?
    Do people care?
    Does God see?
    Why
    Why do they wonder?
    What is it like to be me?
    The lies
    So believable
    Where are you?
    When these feelings take over?
    When it takes so much effort just to keep breathing?
    When the fear is crippling?
    When I am falling apart?
    Body,
    Mind,
    Spirit,
    Toppling over.
     
    The wind is strong.
    So strong.
    I can feel it,
    Tipping me toward decisions.
    Regrets.
    Why do we live?
    For purpose?
    What is that purpose?
    Oh God, where are you?
    In my hour of need?
    In a matter of life and death?
    My life?
    My death?
    When I need you!
    With every fiber of my being
    I know, somewhere inside,
    That you hold me.
    But
    Why can I not feel those hands now?
     
    Rest.
    What is rest?
    Why am I a stranger to so much?
    Do my words mean anything?
    I toss them up!
    Toward you!
    Do you hear?
    They ricochet endlessly off the ceiling.
    Bounce back into my face.
    Why? Oh Lord?
    Why me?
    Did you choose,
    When I was made,
    To give me these burdens?
     
    So heavy.
    I strain under the weight of them,
    Crying out for rest!
    For help!
    All the time, 
    Wondering.
    Wondering
    Why,
    Wondering when
    This load will be lifted
    If it even will.
    Ever. 
     
    I feel hopeless.
    Abandoned
    Dead inside
    Wanting the deadness to consume me
    What stops me?
    From ending it all?
    Facing eternity?
    Killing my dreams
    My plans
    My hope
    Myself
    Empty.
     
    Why am I here?
    You say you have plans for me?
    Prove it!
    I bleed!
       In spirit
        In mind
         In body
    Do you see?
    Do you see the suffering?
    Why is this called life?
    Is there any hope at all?
    I am dying!
    And yet
    You seem to do nothing!
    Why?
     
    Lord.
    I fall.
    Have fallen.
    Will continue to fall.
    Forever.
    Will I be caught?
    In anything other than this storm?
    Emotions
    Pain
    Heartache
    They swirl inside of me,
    Beating against my very soul
    Among them all,
    The question remains,
    Unanswered
    Abandoned
    Forgotten
    Why?
     
    You made us;
    So fragile!
    We break.
    Hurt. 
    Die.
    And you!
    Up where it is safe!
    Look on and do nothing!?
    Why are we like this?
    What is the plan?
    Why have you hidden from us?
     
    I have dreams.
    Nightmares
    I am haunted
    Creatures lurk
    Skitter
    Creep
    Through the shadows in my soul
    There is no escape
    Death lives here
    In my heart
    But
    I am still breathing
    If only
    If only I wasn’t-
    These are the thoughts
    The thoughts killing me-
    Or am I killing myself?
    Everything is dark
    Cold
    Scary
    Why?
     
     
     
    What kind of life is this?
    Would it be better not to live at all?
    Who understands?
    Not my family!
    Not my friends!
    Not you!
    Tell me, God!
    Where are you?
    When Hell has come to earth?
    When I want to-
    Feel as if I need to-
    Die
    Escape 
    Fade away
    Forever
     
    Would anyone really notice?
    If I was gone-
    One instant-
    One decision-
    One jump-
    One stab-
    One life-
    Gone
    What if?
    Who would care?
    Who would weep?
    If I
    Was
    Gone.
    Forever.
     
    Can I continue to bear this?
    Like I have for so long?
    If I just collapse?
    The strain is too much! 
    I am weak!
    Alone.
     
    You say that you are always with me?
    Then where?
    Where are you?!
    What must I do to feel your presence?
    Empty.
    Alone.
    Abandoned.

     

    Spoiler

    Sleep

     
     
    What
    Is sleep
    But a
    Distant
    Memory
    Of something
    I once
    Had?
    Why?
    God, you have
    Taken this from
    Me
    Why?
    Is it
    Better this way?
    No sleep, no nightmares
    Right?
    I wander
    Alone
    Forgotten
    But
    If not forgotten
    What have I been
    Remembered
    For?
    Legacy
    What is a Legacy?
    Do I have a legacy?
    Does anyone care?
    Who would really miss me?
    I could
    Take
    The
    Rope
    The Knife
    The jump
    The poison
    I would bleed
    I would die
    Cease to exist
    Be away
    From the pain
    From the past
    From the present
    I would
    Sleep
    For eternity
    Sleep
    No one
    Would notice
    I would
    Be gone
    Like I never happened
    Sounds
    Like bliss
    All I would have to do
    Is
    Sleep

     

    Spoiler

    Lost

     
    I stumble
    Down a
    Long
    Endless
    Passageway
    Never seeing the end
     
    It is dark
    So dark
    Cold
    Lonely
    I know a way
    To leave
    Forever
    To never go back
    Or forward
    To escape
    But I am lost
    I have no cliff high enough
    No Knife sharp enough
    No rope thick enough
    No will strong enough
     
    This is a different kind of death
    I am dead
    Inside
    There is nothing to live for, so I am dead
    I feel dead
    Act dead
    Wish to be dead
    If I just-
    But no,
    I will not-
    Or, cannot
     
    I stumble 
    Endlessly
     Down these trails
    Of thought
    I circulate
    Over 
    And
    Over
    A never ending cycle
    Dead to the world.
    Dead to myself.
    Lost
    Lost
    Lost
    Forever.
     
    Escape?
    What would I know of this?
    It haunts me
    Looms over
    My head
    A 
    Shadow
    A false
    Promise
    That
    Never
    Will come
    True
     
    The darkness
    It consumes 
    Me
    Have I embraced it?
    Why does it dwell
    Inside 
    Me?
     
    What is light?
    What is peace?
    Joy?
    Laughter?
    When
    When was the last time?
    I was truly 
    Happy?
     
    God,
    I feel 
    Numb
    Empty
    Lost
    Am I still
    Your child?
    Too lost
    To find
    Those
    Hands
    That hold
    Me
    The world
    The broken
    Pieces
    Of life
    As we know it 
    Scattered
    Left
    For dead
    In your 
    Palm
    Are you not
    Strong?
    Loving?
    Present?
     
    Then why?
    Why can
    We not feel you?
    Why can I 
    Not feel you?
    You are there?
    Then why
    Why can’t
    I 
    Just
    Believe?
    Trust?
    Rest?
     
    Your arms
    Hold me
    Tighter
    They
    Catch
    Me
    When
    I 
    Fall
    I fall
    So often 
    I fall
    The meaning of life
    It escapes me
    Will you?
    Let me see?
    Open my blind eyes?
    Rescue me?
    So that
    I 
    Am
    No longer
    Lost?
     
    I
    I want
    To make 
    A difference
    In the world
    In my life
    In the lives of
    Others
    Who might-
    Just might
    Remember me
     If I survive the fall
    If I get found
    If I can finally
    See
    The 
    World
    Again
    Untainted
    Like a child
    Again
     
    Was I
    Once so young?
    Innocent?
    Without burdens?
    Without this load that I carry 
    Everywhere?
     
    It is bound
    With unbreakable
    Chains
    To my back
    Shoulders
    Heart
    Will I ever be truly
    Free?
    Found?
    Loved?
     
    Freedom
    What is freedom?
    Able to choose 
    For yourself?
    To make mistakes?
    And for it to be
    All your own fault?
    It that the way
    Of not taking
    Responsibility?
    The word
    Echoes in 
    My head
    Wondering
If it
    Is good
    Or bad
     
     
    Found
    What is found?
    Found is something
    I am not
    Will never be
    Unless
    Unless you
    Pull me from my darkness
    Change me
    Inside and out
    To be yours again
    Like I once was
    Like I want to be
    Again
     
     
    Loved?
    I am learning
    To love
    To accept love
    To love You
    To be loved by You
    It is
    A struggle
    An uphill climb
    A part of life
    But
    I am learning
    There is grace
    Maybe,
    Someday,
    I will
    Finally
    Be 
    Found

     

    Spoiler

    Tears

     
    If your eyes
    Are the window to the soul,
    What are tears?
     
    Raindrops,
    Splashing against the glass?
    Rolling down the window pane.
    Collecting on the ground.
     
    Rain is good.
    It helps things grow.
    Why are tears so bad?
    Because we never stop
    To think about
    What grows from them.
     
    When the rain falls,
    We can be grateful.
    It is washing the world.
    When the tears fall,
    They cleanse us,
    Give us a new perspective,
    Let us see without dirty windows.
     
    They bring a beautiful,
    Rain washed dawn.
    They are a part of life.
    An essential part.
     
    We express ourselves,
    Through our tears.
    Whether those be happy tears,
    Or sad tears.
     
    The emotions have to come
    Out somehow,
    And so, God gave us tears.
    A way to cleanse the spirit,
    As well as the body.

     

    Spoiler

    Thank you

     
    Thank you.
    Thank you for the hugs.
    The tears.
    The well wishes.
    The “get better soon”s 
    The thoughts.
    The memes.
    The stories.
     
    Thank you for letting me know.
    That you care.
    About my existence.
    About me.
    And whatever is happening in my world.
     
    Thank you for checking in .
    Thank you for caring.
    Thank you for making me smile.
    Thank you for making me cry.
    Thank you for making me laugh.
    Thank you for relating to me.
    Thank you for sticking by me. (sorry @Edema Rue for the pun ) *hehe* 
    Thank you for PMing me.
    Thank you for RPing with me. 
    Thank you for talking to me.
    Thank you for leaving your family to come watch Frozen on the couch.
    Thank you for loving me, even though I’m far from perfect.
    Thank you for showing that love.
    Thank you for being my shardbuddie.
    Thank you for reading my writing.
    Thank you for commenting on my artwork.
    Thank you for making sure I'm ok.
    Thank you for letting me vent.
    Thank you for just being available. 
    Thank you for being there for me.
    Thank you for the phone calls.
    Thank you for the FaceTimes.
    Thank you for letting me express myself.
    Thank you for being ok with me dumping my problems.
    Thank you for helping me sort through them.
    Thank you for the times when I'm not ok, and you care.
    Thank you for giving me hope.
    Thank you for telling me the truth, even when it's hard.
    Thank you for catching me.
    Thank you for holding my heart.
    Thank you for holding my emotions.
    Thank you for praying with me.
    Thank you for helping. 
     
    Thank you.
    Thank you.
    Thank you!
     
     
    ~ Stick
    12-21-23

     

    Spoiler

    Healing

     
     
     
    Healing can take
    Many months
    Or even
    Years
     
    Healing can take many
    Many forms
     
    Medicine
    Therapy
    Prayers
     
     
    I
    Am healing
    From many wounds
    Some are physical
    But most are not
     
    I have wounds
    On my heart
    In my head
    On my arms
    Attached to my feelings
     
    Some of them
    Are healing
    But you cannot have
    Healing
    Without
    Scars
     
    I have physical scars
    Emotional scars
    Mental scars
     
    The scars don’t heal
    They stay
    As reminders
    Of what you’ve been through
    Of where you’re going
    Of the rough days
    On the hard road
    Called
    Life
     
    I do believe
    That some day
    We will be healed
    The earth will be healed
    I will be healed
     
    But
    Till that day comes
    I will remain
    Broken
     
    Broken
    Like the earth
    And its inhabitants
    And everything else
    This side of heaven
     
    And one day
    Our healing
    Will burst through
    The clouds
    Riding on a
    White Horse
    Carrying his sword
    Which is The Word of God
     
    Our blessed Redeemer
    Come to save us
    Take away our scars
    Sins
    Pain
    And we will
    Finally
    Get
    Healing
     
     
    ~ Stick 12-24-23
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Words



    Words let you express,
    Feel,
    Understand,
    I am learning to use words
    To help others

    It is my greatest wish
    That my words would help,
    Someone out there,
    Who feels like me.


    I cannot promise
    That my words will work for you.
    Who am I, but the author?

    Words help me,
    But they might not help you.
    That’s alright.
    You don’t have to be like me.
    You are loved, just as you are.

    You have other ways
    To express, get relief,
    Understand, feel.
    But this is my way.
    Through words.

    ~ Stick 12-28-23

     

    Spoiler
    Breath

     

     

    In, out,
    Steady, constant,
    Always there,
    Until it’s not.
     
    In silence,
    In noise,
    In crowds,
    We all breathe.
     
    Slowly, quietly,
    Deeply, loudly,
    Quickly, shallowly,
    Breath always happens.
     
    Keep breathing,
    My friends,
    In,out
    Please keep breathing
     
    I know
    It hurts,
    It’s hard,
    But keep breathing
     
    You’re strong,
    You’re brave,
    It’s possible.
    Don’t be afraid.
     
    Keep breathing
    Good job
    In, out.
    Try it again.
     
    In, out,
    Count them,
    In, out
    You’ll make it
     
    In, out
    In, out
    In, out
    Are you okay?
     
    Need more?
    In, out
    In, out
    It’s getting easier
     
    Every time
    You’re scared
    Keep breathing
    Just keep breathing.
     
    ~Stick 12-28-23

     

    Spoiler

    Held

     
    I want to be held
    I want to feel arms around me
    I want someone to hug me
    And not let me go
     
    I want someone to touch me
    Rub my back
    Play with my hair
    Lay next to me
    Hold my hand
    Kiss my head
    Lean on my shoulder
    Lay their hands on me
     
    Let me know you care
    Let me know I’m worth it
    Let me know I can still feel
    Even through the numbness
    And pain
     
    Let me see your face
    Let me see you hold me
    Let me see you smile
     
    Please hold me
    Don’t let me go
    I need the attention
    I need to know you care
    I need to be held
     
    ~Stick 12-30-23

     

    Spoiler

    Tight

     
     
    I hold on tight
    To my friends
    As the pieces of my life
    Fall in around me
    And are blown away
    By a brutal wind
     
    I wonder
    How long it will take
    For friends to leave me
    How long?
    A day?
    A week?
    A month?
     
    I’m sure they will
    All leave
    Eventually
    It’s only a matter of time
    Before I’m
    Alone
    Again
     
    I am
    Not safe
    Alone
    I do not trust myself
    Alone
     
    When they are gone
    What will keep me
    From being blown away
    By the wind
     
    The wind that
    Blows me
    Toward decisions
    Ones that I will
    Surely regret
     
    My friends
    Hold me
    Support me
    Love me
     
    I
    Would not be
    Alive
    Without them
     
    Is that a good thing?
    If they weren’t here
    I would already
    Have found
    Rest
    And peace
     
    Instead
    I’m still here
    In nearly ceaseless
    Turmoil
     
    I feel as though I
    Am drowning
    And none can save me
     
    I cling
    To my words
    My writing
    To save me
    But
    Even that has holes
     
    I am slowly
    Sinking
    The light is fading
    Darkness is
    Creeping
    Into my mind
    My heart
    My chest
    My lungs
    My essence
     
    I
    Am
    The
    Darkness
     
    I
    Have
    Become
    The
    Darkness
     
    I
    Have
    Been
    Consumed
    By
    Darkness
     
    There is nothing left
     
     
    ~ Stick
    12-25-23

     

    Spoiler

    Captive

     
    I am captive
    In your love
    It is strong like nothing else
    I run to you with my fear
    My sadness
    I am not alone
    Your loving arms
    Hold me tight
    Like nothing and no one else can
    My hiding place
    My comfort
    In you I find my rest
    I belong to you
    When I look to you I cry
    “Abba, Father.”
    And you answer
    I feel your love
    When I can’t feel anything else
    You are my port in the storm
    My safe space where I can create
    Without fear of the brutal world
    I am protected
    Your spirit is with me always
    In my pain
    In my distress
    My disappointment
    You are there
    Making all things new
    And beautiful
    Peaceful
    And quiet
    Here
    Captive in your embrace
     
     
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Monster

     
     
    I have a monster,
    Clinging to my soul
    It lurks
    Down in the blackest
    Corner of my heart
     
    It arises
    When it’s not wanted
    It tries to consume me
    It lies to me
    Telling me that I’m not good enough
    Or that I’m unlovable
    Or messed up
    Or weird
    Or to depressed for real friends
    And I believe it
     
    The monster won’t leave
    I can’t chase it away
    I am powerless to escape
    It’s icy claws
    It’s hot breath
    The wounds it leaves
     
    The monster is
    Slowly killing me
    Slowly controlling my body
    And my mind
     
    I don’t even want to escape
    I embrace the monster,
    Even as it cuts me
    Even as it controls me
     
    I want to bleed
    I want to be in pain
    I want to die
    I want to not exist
     
    I don’t know
    What I need
    What will help
     
    But I don’t want help
    I just want to die
    And bleed
    And hurt
     
    I want to be eaten
    By the monster
    I want to be gone
    I want to cut myself
    I want to kill myself
    I want somebody to kill me
     
    With a rope
    A gun
    A knife
    Or drowning
     
    I can’t keep
    Going
    With this
    Monster
    Inside
    But
    I don’t want
    It
    To
    Leave
     
    ~ Stick 1-1-24
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Suicidal

     
    The thoughts
    Lurking
    Always there
    Ready to
    Snatch me away
    Break me down
    Steal my soul
    My breath
    My life
     
    There is no escape
    They follow me
    Down the
    Tortured
    Twisted
    Pathways
    In my head
    They hide
    But always
    Resurface
    And try again
     
    They always try again
     
    This is me
    This is how
    It feels
    To be
    Suicidal
     
    I can’t control
    My thoughts
    My urges
    The things
    That I think
    Need to happen
     
    “Take the pills”
    They whisper to me
    I hear the voices
    “Find the knife”
    I cannot escape
    “The rope! Yes!
    Use the rope!”
    I am drowning
    I can’t escape
    “Drowning? Yes! D r o w n.
    Escape? No. Never.”
    If I die
    Will my voices
    Leave me in peace?
    “Peace? When have we ever had that?”
    I don’t know
    “We never had it. It’s gone, out of reach to us.”
    But… no. We can find peace!
    “THE CAR! JUMP IN FRONT!
    NOW!”
    No!
    “You can’t face the world!
    Look at you!
    Who wants to see that?
    Good… hide under the blankets
    No air.
    Press them against your face…
    Good…. Good girl…”
    No! I need to stay!
    “Stay for who? No one wants to see you. Back under the blankets. NOW!”
     
    I believe the voices
    I don’t want to
    But
    I do
    They are taking over
    My entire
    Life
    “There is no life for you. End it now.”
     
    I am
    “Messed up? Unloved? Stupid? Dis-functional? Outcast? Alone? Unwanted? Better off dead.”
    Suicidal
     
    ~ Stick 1-12-24
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

     

    Be Thou My Vision





    Lord
    I need you
    Have needed you
    Will continue to need you

    You
    Are my inheritance
    My treasure
    My vision
    Lord of my heart
    My protector
    The song on my lips
    The verse in my soul
    Words
    Fall
    Short

    You hold me
    My broken pieces
    My hurting heart
    Even when
    I can’t feel you hands
    I know
    Still you are there
    Always

    You
    Are my Great Father
    My Living Hope
    My Emmanuel
    My Yeshua
    My Almighty
    My Creator
    My Good Shepherd
    My Jehovah Jireh

    The breath on my face
    And in my lungs
    My Redeemer
    My King

    I fall
    On my face
    Before your
    Presence
    Too great
    For a mere
    Mortal to
    Stand in

    Messiah
    Anointed One
    Shiloh
    Prince of Peace
    My Jesus
    My vision
    My hiding place
    My Rock
    My shelter
    My God
    The opener of my eyes
    My Vision
    Forever
    And
    Always
    Amen.

     

     

    Spoiler

    Whole

     
    We, as people
    Are broken.
     
    How does one mend
    A fractured heart?
    A tattered, abused spirit?
    A sad, lonely existence.
     
    We need something,
    Someone,
    To fix us,
    Make us whole,
    New,
    Better than before.
     
    He has a name,
    More wonderful than
    All others.
    We speak His name
    Into the dark,
    Into the pain,
    Into the awful circumstances.
    He is our peace,
    Our light,
    Our rescue,
    Savior,
    Redeemer,
    Our Lord.
     
    His name
    Is
    Jesus
     
    He is with us.
    He fights for us.
    He understands.
    Jesus.
     
    The
    Only one
    Who
    Can
    Ever
    Make
    Us
    Whole
     
    Jesus.
     
    ~ Stick 12-29-23
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Wounds

     
    Mental
    Physical
    Emotional
    Verbal
     
    Wounds
    Leave
    Scars
     
    Scars
    Are
    Signs
     
    Of
    What
    You’ve
    Been
    Through
     
    Of
    Where
    You’re
    Going
     
    Wounds
    Bleed
    And
    Hurt
    And
    Need
    Care
    Always
     
    Wounds
    Hurt
    And
    Scar
    And
    Look
    Ugly
    Sad
    And
    Scary
     
    Trauma
    Is
    A
    Wound
     
    Depression
    Is
    A
    Wound
     
    Anxiety
    Is
    A
    Wound
     
    Loneliness
    Is
    A
    Wound
     
    Neglect
    Is
    A
    Wound
     
    There
    Are
    Many
    Many
    Many
    Wounds
     
    Healing
    Cannot
    Always
    Happen
     
    The
    Wounds
    Don’t
    Always
    Go
    Away
     
    The
    Scars
    Are
    Here
    For
    Good
     
    But
    They
    Might
    Become
    Less
    Visible
    With
    Time
     
    You
    Will
    Be
    Wounded
    Again
    And
    Again
     
    It
    Is
    Unfortunately
    A
    Part
    Of
    Life
     
    Enjoy
    Your
    Wounds
    And
    Hurts
    And
    Pain
     
    Before
    The
    Scars
    Come
    To
    Consume
    You
     
    ~ Stick 12-29-23
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Story

     
    I wish my life
    Was a story.
    I could make a
    Character
    To be me.
    I could fix her,
    Make her perfect,
    Happy, loved,
    Wanted.
     
    I wonder…
    How much would I add?
    What would I take away?
    What would she be like?
    Who are her friends?
    Who is her family?
    What does she like to do?
     
    Would she be
    Happy?
    Would she feel loved?
    Does she care about others?
    Does she love herself?
    Does she
    Bear the scars that
    I do?
     
    Does her mind work?
    Is she insane to?
    Is she worse off than me?
    Does she want to die?
    Is she lonely?
     
    Is she
    Somewhere inside me?
    Trapped
    By the walls around
    My heart?
     
    Is she alone?
    Did she ever
    Find love?
     
    Is she watching me
    Fail my life?
    From somewhere outside?
     
    Is she apart of me?
    Is she upset at me
    For ruining our life?
    For making the decisions we did?
    For hearing the voices?
    The voices that haunt us?
     
    What is wrong with her?
    Does she feel like I do?
    Like a failure?
    Or unworthy?
     
    Can she write better than me?
    Does she have more friends?
    Does she love herself?
     
    Is she okay, wherever she is?
    Is she a mess?
    Does she hear voices?
    Does she talk to herself?
    Do people think she’s crazy?
    Does she think she’s crazy?
    I think I’m crazy.
     
    Does she try to hide?
    Her feelings and emotions?
    Her scars…
    All the bad things-
    Or, are there none in her life?
     
    Is she happy, wherever she is?
    Does she know that
    It’s all a story?
     
    I wish
    I could be
    Her
    And living in a
    Story.
     
    ~ Stick 1-16-24
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Heartbreak

     
    I miss my friends
    I’m lonely
    I want to be held
    I want to have my tears
    Wiped away
     
    The breaking of a heart
    Can happen anytime
    It can be good
    Or it can be bad
     
    God can mend our hearts
    He can fix our scars
    He can piece our lives
    together again
     
    We just have to
    Fling ourselves
    Our trust and entire
    Being
    Into his strong arms
     
    Only He can fix
    My-
    Our
    Heartbreak
     
    ~ Stick 1-15-24

     

    Spoiler

    Frightened

     
    Every sound
    Every shadow
    Every yell
    Every clap
    Every laugh
    Every scream
    The noise
     
    The whispers
    In my ears
    Telling me
    To do things
     
    The shadows
    That only I
    Can see
    That lurk in the
    Corners
    Of my mind
     
    The people
    Who yell
    Who scream
    Who make the noises
    Who fight
    And get hurt
    Who sometimes
    Become the
    Shadows
     
    I am so frightened
    I cannot breathe
    My panic
    Forces the air
    From my body
     
    I’m shaking
    Yet I feel like I
    Can’t move
     
    I am weak
    I get scared
    I am nothing
    But
    A small child
    Who is
    Frightened
     
    ~ Stick 1-17-14

     

    Spoiler

    Shadow

     
    I am a shadow
    Of who I once was.
     
    A lonely, dark shadow.
     
    A shadow and
    A shell
    I can never be filed
    Like I used to be
    Never again
     
    I like being the Shadow
    I drift through my life
    Never caring
     
    Shadows cannot be hurt
    For they are nothing
     
    I am nothing
    And yet
    I still hurt
     
    If I just become the shadow
    Just a bit more
    I won’t be hurt anymore
    I can sink and
    Drown alone
     
    Drown
    Alone
    In
    My
    Shadow
     
    ~ Stick 1-17-24

     

    Spoiler

    Love

     
    We were created to love
    And yet… love causes so much
    Pain.
     
    I almost welcome the pain.
    But I don’t always want the love.
     
    Love is a fickle emotion. People say I’m loved, but I can’t believe them, for I do not feel.
     
    All I can feel is my heart, breaking inside me, the pain consuming my soul.
     
    Let the pain come.
    The Shadow can stand it.
     
    Shut out the love.
    You don’t deserve it.
    You can survive in your own
    Pitiful
    World
    Of
    Pain.
     
    ~ Stick 1-17-24

     

    Spoiler

    Those nights

     
    It is one of those nights
    When nothing goes right
    When I sink
    Into my depression
    When hope is gone
     
    I have a dear friend-
    Several, in fact.
     
    They hold me
    On nights like this one
    They love me
    On nights like this one
     
    It’s worth the pain
    On nights like this one
     
    If these nights were gone
    There would be no
    Joy in the morning
     
    The bonding
    Would never happen
     
    I don’t have
    Shallow friendships
    It’s go deep
    Or go home
     
    And when you
    Have a night like this
    You
    Can talk to me
    But, my other friend is here to
    One much stronger and better than me
    His mighty name
    Is Jesus
     
    I hope, dear one,
    That you go to him.
    I am here, yes, but
    I am weak.
     
    Only He
    Can hold you
    When I cannot
    When I am weak
    He holds me to.
    It’s ok to show weakness.
    We are human.
     
    Strength is falling
    And getting back up,
    Letting Him pick you up
     
    He can hold you
    On these nights.
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Save me

     
    I stretch
    Out
    My arms
    And you
    Save
    Me.
     
    You save me.
     
    I don’t deserve
    To be
    Saved.
     
    But you
    You do it
    Anyway.
     
    You died for me.
    You bled and died for me
    For me
     
    How can I not
    Love who you
    Saved?
    Who you died for?
     
    It is a
    Decision.
     
    I decided
    Years ago
    To hate myself.
     
    And so I have.
     
    I have hated
    This beautiful,
    Scarred creature
    You call
    Your Daughter.
     
    No More.
     
    I am Strong
    I am Beautiful
    I am a Warrior
     
    I am Loved
    By myself.
     
    You saved me,
    So I am choosing
    Right here,
    Right now.
     
    I love myself.
    I love how You made me.
    I am Your handiwork.
    There is nothing wrong with me.
    I was made
    Exactly how I You chose.
     
    I am free
     
    Because You
    You have
    Saved me.
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Party

     
    I am supposed to be
    Happy.
     
    It’s a party, right?
    Everyone is happy
    At a party.
     
    Not this person.
    I wish I could hide…
    Sit in the corner,
    Under my blanket,
    Back to the wall,
    Ignore everything,
    Ignore everyone,
    Lost
    In my
    Head.
     
    Thank you
    For the presents
    Thank you
    For coming
    But I need
    To be alone now.
    Goodbye
    Good night
    I’m leaving.
     
    I’m sorry.
    I know
    I’m supposed to
    Be the center
    Of attention.
    But I can’t
     
    I’m to busy
    Leaving the party.
     
    Goodbye,
    The party
    Is
    Over.
     
    ~ Stick 1-21-24

     

    Spoiler

    Fifteen Years

     
    Fifteen years
    Is not a lot of time.
    It feels
    Like not very much,
    But also
    All the time
    In the world.
     
    I want to go back.
    I want to return
    To when things
    Were simpler
    And I didn’t hear
    All the voices
    Driving me to do things
     
    Screaming at me
    Trying to run my
    Life.
     
    Fifteen years
     
    Where is my life going?
    What is my purpose?
     
    I’m here for a reason, right?
     
    I’m not just here
    To be crazy, right?
     
    I’m not just here
    To be tormented,
    Am I?
     
    Fifteen years
     
    I am supposed to
    Do things
    But I can’t
    Even
    Get
    Up
    Off the
    Floor.
     
    I have a life
    To live,
    But I
    Can
    Hardly
    Breathe.
     
    Fifteen years
     
    How many
    More years
    Will I have?
     
    One?
    Two?
    Five?
     
    None?
     
    Is this my last
    Year?
    Is this my last
    Month?
    Last week?
    Last
    Day?
     
    Maybe
    I’ll get
    Another
    Fifteen
    Years.
     
    Maybe
    I’ll die
    Tomorrow.
     
    Thank you
    For my
    Fifteen years.
     
     
    ~ Stick 1-21-24

     

    Spoiler

    Learning

     
    I am learning.
    I’m learning that I’m loved.
    I’m learning that it’s okay to cry.
    I’m learning that I don’t have to be okay.
    I’m learning that living is worth the pain.
    Even if it doesn’t always
    Feel that way.
     
    I’m learning that pain
    Makes you stronger.
     
    I’m learning that joy
    Comes in the morning.
     
    I’m learning that God listens.
    He is here. He will protect me.
     
    I’m learning about how many people
    Love me and care about me.
     
    I’m learning that there is more to life
    Than stress.
     
    There is more to life than depression
    Or anxiety.
     
    I’m learning about
    My purpose.
     
    I am here
    For a reason.
    Even if
    I haven’t found it yet,
    I’m learning
    To trust
    To love
    Others, as well as
    Myself.
     
    It’s hard
    But
    I’m getting
    Stronger.
     
    I am learning.
     
    ~ Stick 1-23-24

     

    Spoiler

    Someday

     
    You.
    You make me believe.
     
    You hold me and make me
    Believe
    In someday.
     
    I can’t thank you enough
    For that.
    I know that
    I’m a messy person.
    I’m everywhere at once.
     
    My emotions go
    Everywhere.
     
    My thoughts go everywhere.
     
    I just can’t stop them.
     
    But you help
    To hold me together.
    All my little pieces,
    That try to escape and
    Hurt me,
    You hold me together.
     
    I love you for it.
    I feel safe with you.
    I trust you.
     
    But
    Still I fear.
    I fear that
    Someday
    Will never happen.
     
    I fear that
    I will be left.
    I’m afraid.
    I’m afraid to be vulnerable,
    Even with you.
    I don’t want to get hurt
    Again.
     
    I don’t want to be
    Abandoned
    So I’m scared
    To love
    Scared to dream
    Scared to be free
    And let myself
    Love.
     
    I’m trying.
    I do love you,
    I do trust you,
    But I’m sorry
    If I’m not
    Like everyone
    Else.
     
    I’m trying
    But
    The trauma
    Just
    Won’t leave.
     
    And yet
    Here I am
    Believing
    In
    Someday.
     
    Look what you did!
    You got me
    To believe
    In something.
     
    You got me
    To love
    Someone.
     
    And I’m trying.
    I really
    Really
    Am.
     
    But
    It’s just hard
    Right now.
     
    If you want
    To leave,
    The doors open.
     
    But,
    Someday.
     
    ~ Stick 1-25-24
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Homeless

     
     
    I see it.
    Their blank, hopeless stares
    The way they beg for anything
    I was once
    So hopeless
    Life was bleak.
    I worked hard
    To keep myself breathing
    I had my family
    To support me.
    Who do they have?
    No one.
    We turn a blind eye
    On their suffering
    And pain
    Their problems
    We try not to see.
    But why?
    Are they not people too?
    What’s the difference?
    A few dollars
    A roof over our heads
    Hope
    That’s the real difference.
    We know where
    Our next meal is coming from
    They do not.
    But
    We can help them
    Find themselves
    Pick themselves up
    Get back on their feet
    We can help them to stand
    Again
     
     
    ~ Stick 1-13-24

     

    Spoiler

    Where my thoughts go

     
     
     
     
    I want to go out
    And lay on the snow
    I want to forget I ever
    Learned to breathe
     
    I want to freeze
    All alone in the cold
    I want to die
    I want to fade away with no more pain
    I want to feel
    My body
    Slowly freezing
    Stiff
    And
    Cold
    And
    Dead
     
    It’s hard to laugh
    When you’re crying.
     
    It’s hard to react
    When you’re empty.
     
    It’s hard to feel safe
    When you’re scared.
     
    It’s hard to have hope
    When you’re hopeless.
     
    It’s hard to love
    With no pain.
     
    It’s hard to fly
    Without wings.
     
    It’s hard to pray
    Without words.
     
    It’s hard to think
    When you’re emotionless.
     
    It’s hard to hold
    When you’re breaking.
     
     
    The scars don’t define me
    The pain doesn’t define me
    My stupid brain doesn’t define me
     
    I want to die
    Without my thoughts
    Spiraling out of control
     
    I want peace
    I want nothingness
    I want to fade away
     
    I don’t want to exist
    I don’t want the feelings
    And emotions of something alive
     
    I want to know why
    My brain spirals
    Why it always
    Ends up in the
    Abyss
     
    I want to know why
    I can’t just be normal
    I can’t just stop shaking
    I can’t just stop crying
     
    I want to know why
    I’m a mess
    Why I hate myself
    Why I can’t trust
    Anyone
     
    I want to know why
    Your arms are out of reach
    I want to know
    The answers to my questions
    The pathway to my heart
    Around and through
    My walls
     
    Getting to my heart is a maze
    It feels
    Impossible
     
    I can’t feel the arms
    I can’t feel the pain
    The love
    Any of it
    I am numb
    I asked for this
    I made myself this way
    I deserve this
     
    I am
    A
    Numb
    Shadow
    Of
    Who
    I
    Once
    Was
     
    The lonely mist
    Surrounds me
    I can’t see
    I can’t breathe
    I can’t feel
    I can’t even scream
    Would I even want to?
     
    I’m scared
    Scared of change
    Scared of abandonment
    Scared of the shadow
    That I have become.
     
    Scared that I will never
    Be what I should be
    For everyone.
     
    This is where my mind goes.
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Sweatshirt

     
    I wrap myself
    Up in it.
    I imagine you’re here
    With me.
    Holding my hand,
    Holding me,
    Loving me.
     
    I feel you,
    In this sweatshirt.
    I miss you,
    I’m thinking of you.
    I think you’re here with me.
    I hide in this sweatshirt,
    Pretending I’m hiding in your
    Loving arms.
     
    It smells like you.
    It feels like you.
    It’s a bittersweet
    Feeling, wearing
    Your sweatshirt.
     
    I think of you often,
    I miss you lots,
    It makes me lonely,
    But also hopeful.
    You will have
    To see me again,
    Or else,
    Say goodbye
    To your sweatshirt.
     
    I love you.
    I’m missing you.
    I can’t wait
    To see you,
    Wearing my sweatshirt,
    And give you
    A hug.
     
    I’m thinking of you
    From
    Inside
    This
    Sweatshirt.
     
    ~ Stick 1-26-14

     

    Spoiler

    Bracelet

     
     
    This little insignificant looking thing
    Holds so much weight,
    Holds so many memories.
     
    We were sitting
    On my bed,
    You handed me a tiny little
    Package.
    It was my birthday.
     
    I could hardly wait
    To open it,
    Tearing away the wrapping,
    To reveal, a small,
    Chain,
    Bracelet.
     
    I took it out, and you
    Clipped it on
    My wrist.
     
    I look at it now,
    And miss you.
    I wish you were here.
     
     
    I want to hold your hand.
    I want to pull you close.
    I want to snuggle you,
    Kiss your forehead,
    Tell you how much
    I love you.
     
    But I don’t have
    You,
    All I have is
    This
    Bracelet.
     
    ~ Stick 2-2-24

     

    Spoiler

    Snowflake

     
    Tumbling,
    Twisting,
    Falling from the sky.
     
    The snowflakes
    Hit the ground
    And pile
    Into drifts.
     
    Fleecy,
    Delicate,
    Never alone,
     
    They dance
    Through the air
    To their own
    Song.
     
    The song of falling snow.
     
    The lonely sound
    Of the winter
    Wind
    Sighing through the trees
     
    Accompany the
    song of falling snow.
     
    The cold melody
    Plays across the
    Frigid
    Winter night.
     
    The snowflake
    Is but a
    Tiny part
    Of the
    Symphony.
     
    And yet, without it,
    There would be
    No
    Music.
     
     
    ~ Stick 1-16-24

     

    Spoiler

    Toxic

     
    I have toxic
    People
    In my life.
     
    I’m close to them.
    I love them.
    I don’t want to
    Leave them.
    I said I would never leave.
    I said that I was there for them.
     
    But
    I can only get
    Hurt so many times
    Before my trust is broken.
    Before the trauma
    Overtakes me.
     
    I need to leave.
    But I don’t want them
    Hurt like I have been.
    I don’t want to
    Put anyone else
    Through that pain.
     
    I love them.
    I promised.
    I want to be there
    But it hurts
     
    It hurts mentally,
    Emotionally,
    Once or twice,
    Physically.
     
    But I can’t leave,
    Right?
    Would they leave
    If the roles were reversed?
     
    Do I
    Even care
    Enough to leave?
    I welcome the pain.
    It feels right.
    I just don’t care.
     
    I feel toxic.
    I am so messed up.
    I make others worry,
    I make them uncomfortable,
    Upset,
    Stressed,
     
    What if
    I’m the toxic one?
    If they feel trapped?
    If I just let them go…
    If I just left,
    If I rebuilt
    All the walls
    Around my heart.
     
    If I went back
    To being alone.
    It’s what’s best
    For everyone,
    Right?
     
    They don’t need
    The toxic friend.
    They are hurt.
    They wish they could escape.
    But they don’t want to hurt me.
     
    I can stand the pain.
     
    My heart may break,
    But I can hide it.
    My life may crash,
    But I can lose myself and
    Not exist.
     
    I can close myself off
    From everyone
    And everything.
    That’s what’s best.
    For everyone.
     
    They have other friends.
    Ones who aren’t
    Toxic.
     
    I am the
    Toxic
    Friend
    And I’m
    Sorry.
     
    ~ Stick 1-25-24
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Blanket

     
    Every time
    I go to the blanket
    Whenever I’m stressed
    I’m lonely
    I’m crying
    I hate myself
    I flee to my blanket
     
    I hide with my blanket
    It holds me
    When my friends
    Cannot
     
    Sometimes
    I go under the blanket
    Alone in the dark
    I cry
    I scream
    I claw at my skin
    I hate this thing I’m
    Trapped in
     
    The air
    Isn’t under the blanket
    And I’m glad
    I don’t want the air
    Breathing is too hard
    It’s easier not to
     
    I wrap myself in this blanket
    I hide from the
    Cruel
    Cold
    World
     
    I have many blankets
    I have named them all
    All are suffocating
    In there own way
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Depression
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Anxiety
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Self- harm
     
    I have a blanket
    Named
    Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Stress
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Suicide
     
    I have a blanket
    Named Empty
     
    I sometimes hide under
    All my blanket-
    The emotional ones
    And the physical one.
     
    The good things
    Feel like
    Mist
    Instead of
    Blankets
     
    Not very easy to feel
    Especially
    Through
    My
    Blankets
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Weakness

     
     
    Weakness
    Vulnerability
     
    I have learned
    That without weakness
    I can never
    Be
    Strong.
     
    I need to be vulnerable
    Or nothing
    Feels
    Real.
     
    It is hard!
    There is a chance
    That you will get hurt.
    But which is worse?
    The numbness?
    Or the pain?
     
    You cannot
    Have
    Healing
    Without
    Pain.
     
    You cannot
    Have
    Strength
    Without
    Weakness.
     
    You cannot
    Have
    Joy
    Without
    Sadness.
     
    Look behind you.
    Look at the journey.
    Look how far we’ve come!
     
    He has been here
    For all of it.
     
    He has been guiding
    You
    Me
    All Of
    Us
    In his
    Own
    Special
    Way.
     
    Think very
    Very
    Hard.
     
    Open your heart.
     
    Can you feel him?
    In your moment of weakness?
    Can you feel
    His hand
    On your shoulder?
    Guiding you?
    Keeping you
    Close to
    Him?
     
    He is here
    Right now
    When you can hardly
    Breathe
    When the emptiness
    Tries to
    Eat you
    Alive
    When you
    Are lonely
    When pain is all you feel
    Give it to Him
    He already felt it all
    On a very
    Special
    Tree
    All those
    Years
    Ago.
     
    He knows.
    He cares.
    He will take
    Your pain
    Your scars
    Your shame
    Your wounds
     
    All you have to do
    Is show
    Your
    Weakness.
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Heartbeat

     
    I lean back
    Against your chest,
    Feeling your heartbeat.
     
    I can feel you breathing.
    So alive,
    So beautiful…
     
    What we have
    Feels like
    Magic.
     
    I can feel your arms
    Surrounding me,
    Cradling me against you.
     
    I never want to leave.
    I feel you, even when
    I’m alone.
     
    I close my eyes,
    My heart swells
    With our love.
     
    My heartbeat
    Intertwines
    With yours.
     
    I’m holding
    Your hand,
    Tightly in my own.
     
    You aren’t leaving.
    I’m not leaving.
    I never want to.
     
    Your spirit,
    So beautiful.
    I can see who you really are.
     
    You try to hide it,
    But I can see,
    And what I see is beautiful.
     
    Your arms are
    Holding me tightly.
    I cannot fall, when I’m held.
     
    I love you.
    I don’t have the words.
    But, I love you.
     
    You.
    I’ve been looking for
    You.
     
    All along,
    It was you.
    And I’ve been waiting.
     
    I’ve been waiting,
    And now, I’ve
    Finally found you.
     
    I feel your heartbeat,
    Keeping you alive,
    Keeping our love safe.
     
    I don’t want
    Anyone else.
    You are mine.
     
    I will cling to you,
    Try to stay
    In your arms.
     
    Please, don’t hurt who
    I love so much,
    Who I care about so deeply.
     
    I’m praying over both
    Of us.
    That we stay strong, together.
     
    It all comes back,
    To that one
    Heartbeat.
     
    That one heartbeat,
    That connected
    Us both.
     
    Connected
    By
    That
    One
    Heartbeat.
     
    ~ Stick1-26-24
     

    Moonlight

     
    I’m staring at the moon.
    I’m thinking
    I’m thinking about you,
    Where you are,
    Why you have to be
    So far away from me.
     
    I’m wondering
    Are you
    Looking at the deep,
    Rich, velvet,
    Night sky,
    Thinking of me?
     
    I miss you.
    My heart is longing for you,
    Your embrace,
    The feeling of safety.
     
    I’m thinking of you,
    Imagining you,
    Dreaming of you.
     
    I love you,
    And so I go,
    To the only place I know,
    To express that love.
     
    I’m counting stars,
    Counting the ways I
    Love you.
     
    You never stray far
    From my thoughts,
    From my heart.
     
    It beats, and I think of you,
    Of one day, when our hearts
    May beat in tandem.
     
    The day cannot come fast enough.
    Here I am, far away,
    Longing for your touch.
     
    The moonlight,
    Illuminates my tears,
    Turning them to silver
    Comets down my face.
     
    They are tears of longing,
    Tears of joy,
    Tears because,
    I’m so filled with our love,
    That it overflows.
     
    It is beautiful,
    Like your heart,
    Like your love,
    Like all those
    Endless stars,
    Watching both of us,
    Connecting us,
    Somehow.
     
    We are both together,
    And yet, alone,
    Here, in the
    Moonlight.
     
    ~ Stick 1-26-24
     
     
     

    Alone

     
     
    Once again
    Here I am
    Alone.
     
    I knew,
    It wouldn’t last,
    I knew,
    It was just to
    Good to be
    True.
     
    And yet,
    I trusted
    That I wouldn’t be
    Hurt
    Left
    Forgotten.
     
    Here I am,
    Alone.
     
    I was held,
    I was loved,
    I thought-
    Not anymore.
     
    Now I’m just here
    Now I’m just crying
    Now I’m just trying
    To hold together
    my breaking heart,
    Pretending that
    I’m fine,
    That we are fine,
    Because nobody cared
    In the first place.
     
    It was all teasing,
    All a joke.
    And I lied
    To myself.
    I said I wouldn’t be hurt again
    Or left, again
    But I was.
     
    It was a stupid decision.
    I should’ve known.
    I won’t be so
    Stupid next time.
     
    I’ll never be
    That naive again.
    I just have to rebuild
    My walls.
    Thicker and stronger
    Than ever.
     
    I have to protect my heart.
    I need those walls up.
    I can’t be broken again.
    I’ll never be that easy to
    Hurt again.
     
    Good luck,
    Trying to break them.
    I’m fine,
    I’m just breaking.
    I’m just hurt,
    I’m just adding
    To my walls
    I’m just adding to
    My trauma.
     
    No big deal,
    It’s normal,
    I saw it coming,
    But I lied to myself.
    It’s my fault anyway,
    I wouldn’t want me
    Either, if i was him.
     
    I’m fine.
    Just broken.
    Just abandoned.
    Just alone.
     
    ~ Stick 1-29-24
     
     
    Spoiler

    Unstable 

     
    My mind rocks
    In the turbulent darkness
     
    It wavers on the brink
    Of a decision.
    A choice.
    A plan.
     
    I can’t continue.
    Everything hurts.
    Breathing is too much work.
     
    I’m drowning under all these
    Things
    That I have to do
     
    I’m drifting,
    Lost in thought.
    I have a plan,
    I can just
    End it.
     
    I want it to happen
    I’m practically begging for it
    To happen.
     
    It’s just too much.
    I can’t.
    I’m so sorry,
    But I just can’t.
     
    Can’t cry,
    Can’t feel
    Anything but this desire.
     
    Why am I here?
    I hate this.
    All of it.
     
    This pitiful,
    Broken,
    Scarred
    Cage.
    I’m trapped in this cage.
     
    I know only one
    Way to escape.
    That’s to just
    End it.
     
    I’m so tired.
    All I want is rest.
    I’m sorry,
    But it will happen
    One day
     
    I want it to be today.
    I can’t face tomorrow.
    Another
    Day
    Of torture.
     
    Trapped in my cage,
    This stupid
    Empty
    Cage.
     
    The cage I can’t escape.
    The cage I hate.
    This cage won’t be here
    Forever.
     
    I’ll end my own suffering
    It’s only a matter of time.
    Till my unstable
    Mind
    Breaks
     
    I can’t wait
    I want it to be now
    I want to leave
     
    I’m dead inside,
    So why don’t I just
    Finish the job?
     
    That sounds
    Wonderful.
     
    I wonder
    Who will be the first
    One to find my
    Body?
     
    My dad?
    Brother?
    Sister?
    Will it be
    My mother?
    The one who
    Trapped me in here
    In the first place?
     
    They might
    Be devastated,
    But I’ll have found
    My peace.
     
    My friends
    Will mourn,
    But they’ll move on.
    They can find other friends.
    In time,
    They’ll move on.
     
    And I’ll be left,
    Ashes scattered
    Across barren land,
    Finally at peace
    Within.
     
    I’ll be free.
    I’ll float,
    Without my cage
    To hinder me.
     
    I’m saying goodbye.
    I’ll miss you,
    But this is what best.
     
    I’m sorry,
    But I can’t keep living in this
    Cage.
     
    I’ve tried to escape before,
    And I don’t know what’s stopped me
    I won’t be stopped again.
    I’m leaving.
     
    I’ve tried
    Cutting my way out
    Of this cage,
    But it didn’t work.
    I have scars,
    But it’s worth it
    To feel the pain
    Instead of emptiness.
     
    The emptiness of
    My cage.
     
    I would ask
    To be saved,
    But I want this
    Not a savior.
     
    I want the death
    The peace that
    Comes after.
     
    All I have to do is
    Stop breathing.
    I won’t be unstable anymore.
    I’ll be gone.
     
    I’ll be gone.
    I’m leaving.
    Goodbye,
    Friends,
    Family,
    I’ll miss you.
     
    But I’m just
    To
    Unstable.
     
     
    ~ Stick 2-7-24

     

    Spoiler

    I’m Sorry 

     
    Dear friend,
    I’m so, so sorry.
    I’m sorry about last night.
     
    I’m sorry for the things I did,
    I’m sorry for the way I acted.
    I’m sorry for the way that I am.
     
    I’m sorry for my poor decisions
    After,
    I’m sorry for causing you
    Pain as well.
     
    I’m sorry for ruining
    What you gave me.
    I’m sorry for
    So many things.
     
    I’m sorry
    For the blood
    On your
    Sweatshirt.
     
    I’m sorry.
     
    ~ Stick 2-8-25

     

    Spoiler

    Scratches 

     
    They are
    Only scratches.
    Nothing more.
     
    They scar,
    They bleed,
    They hurt.
    But they
    Are only
    Scratches.
     
    And yet,
    I want them to
    Be more than
    Just scratches.
     
    I’m tired of scratches.
    I’m tired of drips
    Of blood.
     
    I want wounds.
    I want a river of
    Blood.
    I want it all to
    Go away,
    At the point of this
    Knife.
     
    I can picture it,
    I can start,
    But I can’t finish.
    I always fail.
     
    I always fail.
     
    I want to
    Add more scratches.
    Maybe,
    If I get enough,
    I’ll finally die.
     
    Death by scratches.
     
    ~ Stick 1-8-24

     

    Spoiler

    Still Here 

     
     
    I’m still here
    I tried not
    To
    Be
    But I’m still
    Here.
     
    Last night was
    Just so hard
    I
    Acted
    But I’m still
    Here.
     
    I hate everything
    I don’t want
    To
    Live
    But I’m still
    Here.
     
    I don’t know
    Why I’m alive
    I
    Tried
    But I’m still
    Here.
     
    Why am I
    On this earth
    No
    Purpose
    But I’m still
    Here.
     
    I’m still here
    Because I can’t
    Leave.
     
    ~ Stick 2-9-24

     

    Spoiler

    Miracle

     
     
    I awoke and saw a bright,
    Yellow flower, sitting alone
    On my dresser.
     
    It was, and is, such a simple thing…
    A yellow flower. A spark in the darkness.
    A flame, ready to grow.
     
    But I saw it as so much more.
    I saw it as a promise. A miracle.
    This long, dark, depressing winter
    Can only last so long before Spring
    Makes her appearance.
     
    It was a symbol of hope, of light, of an ending
    To the dark.
     Spring.
    My heart laughs with joy
    At the thought.
    Warmth, sunshine, new life.
     
    So different from the cold, hard,
    Angry form of Winter, who has tried
    So many times to trap me in his cold,
    Sad, scary, embrace.
    But I will soon escape.
     
    The darkness, the cold, the fear,
    The depression, the anger, the emptiness,
    The loneliness, the sadness, the tears…
     
     
    They all make up the winter,
    The winter that I will soon escape from.
    With the help
    Of my tiny
    Miracle. 
     
    My little flower…
    I think of her as my friend now,
    One who is helping to 
    See me through the dark days,
    One who is promising light,
    And with the light, comes life,
    Comes new ideas,
    New hope, new purpose, new plans,
     
    What started this?
    A tiny, yellow flower…
    One who has become my friend,
    One who, at her passing,
    Will shrivel, and die.
    But my hope does not die with her.
    Nay, it springs afresh with each of her siblings.
    A fresh miracle, one for me to enjoy,
    Until hope comes to
    The outside world.
     
    Until the Miracle of Spring
    Is upon us. 
     
    ~ Stick 2-22-24
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Rest

     
     
    What is rest?
    Really?
    I think about
    Trying to find it
    Seems pretty
    Damn hard
    It is
    A feeling
    Of safety
    Home
    Comfort
    A place where some go
    A place I can’t go
    Can’t find
    Can’t remember
    Was I ever there?
    It feels safe?
    What is safe?
    I am not
    Safe
    To myself
    To others
    Why?
    Am I so
    Different?
    Nobody
    Struggles
    Like I
    Do.
    Lies.
    What is a lie?
    A messed up truth?
    Are humans all lies?
    We are corrupt
    People
    Lies
    Things will change
    Get worse
    Always
    No rest
    Ever
    For me
    And
    What would I do?
    If I could rest?
    Dream?
    No-
    Dreams die
    They always
    Die
    I burry
    My dreams
    My feelings
    My thoughts
    My only
    Salvation
    Is
    Words
    Expressions
    Emotions
    Transmitted
    Through writing
    To help
    Hurt
    Kill
    Die
    Destroy and
    Leave desolation
    Behind them
    But-
    If it’s unburied
    Will they help?
    Is there someone
    Out there
    Like me?
    Someone who
    Cares
    Loves
    Carries pain
    And sorrow
    And hopelessness?
    Someone who just can’t die
    But who wants to
    End it all
    Right now
    Enter into
    Oblivion
    Light?
    Or dark?
    Peace?
    Or fear?
    I won’t know till
    I get there
    That could be soon
    Who knows how soon
    I could find rest
    But would it really be rest?
    Soon
    What is soon?
    But a whispered
    False promise
    Of something
    that will never come
    Or is it something that will
    Come?
    That will come
    Soon
    Soon
    What will happen soon?
    Will my life end?
    Will it continue?
    What do I want?
    What do I need?
    These are questions
    I cannot
    Answer
    I am drowning
    In these
    Questions
    Feelings
    Thoughts
    Questions of why
    Feelings of emptiness
    Thoughts of death
    Darkness
    Relief
    But not rest
    Will I ever
    Rest?
    Will I be pulled from
    The emptiness?
    Rescued?
    Or will it
    Slowly
    Take my breath
    Poison
    My heart
    My soul
    My mind?
    Will my life finally
    End
    In
    Rest?
     
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Stars

     
    The tears slide
    Down my face
    They sting my eyes
    Make them red
    They leave trails
    Of dark and
    Silver
    Down to my chin
    Where they drip
    Onto my blanket
    Leaving little wet
    Gray
    Puddles
     
    I sit here
    And let them
    Fall
    And drip
    And travel towards
    The other puddles
    Where they join
    Together
    And make
    Bigger spots
    On my lap
    On my blanket
     
    I don’t even
    Bother to wipe them
    Away
    There is no point
    They will be followed
    By others
     
    I sit here and
    Cry
    Breath catching
    In my throat
    And hitching
    In my lungs
    I have so much
    To mourn
    And so many tears
    Stored up
     
    They won’t come
    All at once
    But over the course of
    Of however long
    It takes
    To get relief
    From this
    Well of
    Pressure deep
    Down inside
     
    They slide
    And leak
    And pour
    From my heart
    They hurt
    But pain brings
    Healing
     
    Once I have
    Cried all of
    Today’s tears
    I gently
    Remove the
    Streaks down
    My face
    Left by the tears
    I wash it all away
    Warm water
    Soft rag
    Quiet lights
    Peaceful music
    Crumpled tissues
     
    The sniffles
    Subside
    And disappear
    But my eyes
    Are still red
    They still sting
    Still mirror
    The hurt inside
    That won’t come
    Out today
     
    I just have to
    Wait for them
    And hope
    That it’s a
    Good time
    To let the tears
    Go freely
    Down my face
    And start everything
    All over again
     
    I don’t know
    How to process
    The emotions
    And the tears
    Don’t always come
    They don’t always
    Make me feel
    Better
    They don’t always
    Cleanse me
     
    But I still
    Try to cry
    I make myself
    Cry
    It hurts
    But sometimes
    I need
    The pain
     
    The pain that
    Will maybe
    Bring healing
    Someday
     
    The tears are my
    Stars
    Glowing softly
    In the dark
    Shining
    And
    Traveling
    Down my
    Face
     
     
    ~ Stick 2-25-24

     

    Spoiler

    I Wish

     
    I wish I was as strong as Dalinar
    I wish I was as brave as Kaladin
    I wish I was as smart as Navani
    I wish I was as pretty as Shallan
    I wish I was as in love as Adolin
    I wish I was as mature as Jasnah
    I wish I was as likable as Lopen
    I wish I was as kind as Hesina
    I wish I was as awesome as Lift
    I wish I was as funny as Rock
    I wish I was as loyal as Teft
    I wish I was as confident as Veil
    I wish I was as bubbly as Syl
    I wish I was as happy as Gawx
    I wish I was as gentle as Lirin
    I wish I had as much purpose as Venli
    I just wish… I was different.
     
    ~ Stick 2-28-24
     

    Okay, formatting is a bit messed up, I'll fix it at some point and post the other 20+ poems too.

    ~ Stick

    It's not letting me edit, so it'll prolly merge :) 

    Spoiler

    60 Degree

    Summer

     
     
    I’m staring out the window
    Longing for summer to 
    Come.
     
     I’m longing for the bright
    Hazy days of my
     Childhood.
     
    I’m wishing for the simplicity
    Of practically living outside
     All summer.
     
    The running barefoot through the
    Tall grass in the evenings
    With my siblings.
     
    Playing all the games with my dad,
    That old swing I stayed on for
    Hours at a time.
     
    The trips to the beach, waves rushing
    Up around my ankles, the breeze,
    Playing in the sand.
     
    Times were so simple,
    So pleasant;
    Summer. 
     
    Now, it’s still winter, still cold,
    Still dreary and dark,
    Dark and unfamiliar. 
     
    I sat outside in 60 degree weather
    Missing summer so much
    That I cried.
     
     
    Those tears felt so cold,
    So sad and 
    Lonely. 
     
    I’m hoping that I can just
    Hang on until
    Summer.
     
    Until school lets out, when everything
    Is warm and bright and green
    All over again.
     
    Until then, I’ll cling tightly
    To my only hope,
    My 60 degree summer.
     
    ~ Stick 2-11-24

     

    Spoiler

    Crippling Depression

     
    I stare at the ceiling,
    Unmoving.
    My mind
    Feels numb.
    I don’t even
    Blink my eyes.
     
    My body tingles,
    My hands shake,
    I’m cold all over.
    But the real
    Chill is
    Inside.
     
    I feel frozen in place,
    Stuck in a
    Cold, mental
    Mud.
     
    My eyes water and a
    Single tear
    Rolls
    Down my
    Cheek.
     
    I can’t even move to
    Wipe it away.
    It feels warm,
    Then cold,
    Traveling down,
    To drip into my
    Ear.
     
    I blink once
    And it brings more
    Tears.
     
    They sting my eyes
    As they fall.
    I am being consumed
    By this empty feeling.
     
    By the immense loneliness
    That finds me
    So often these days.
     
    I can’t get warm.
    I can hardly
    Move my chest
    Up and
    Down
    To breathe.
     
    The emptiness
    Is joined by
    The massive
    Weight
    Of self hatred.
     
    I can feel my
    Heart
    Breaking,
    Even as it
    Beats.
     
    My eyes go
    Unfocused,
    Lights blurry.
     
    The world is softer
    That way,
    Everything looks
    Like clouds.
     
    Clouds that
    I can sink into,
    Sink into
    Unmoving,
    Wrapped in the
    Cold misty
    Blanket.
     
    I’m shaking harder now,
    I can hardly feel it.
    I can’t see it.
    I try to
    Wiggle my
    Fingers,
    But it’s too hard.
     
    I am faintly aware
    Of a sensation
    Of drifting.
     
    Have I joined the
    Clouds?
    Is that what I am now?
    Cold and damp,
    Floating away,
    To some other
    Place?
     
    Twenty-three days
    I whisper in my mind,
    It’s too long.
    I can’t
    Wait that
    Long.
     
    I’m drifting.
     
    D r i f t i n g…
     
    D
    R
    I
    F
    T
    I
    N
    G
     
     
     
    ~ Stick 3-21-24

     

    Spoiler

    Hiding

     
    This is my instinct
    In a bad
    Situation
    I have to hide
    No body wants to see
    Me
    So I hide
     
    I feel safe
    When I hide
     
    I feel lonely
    When I hide
     
    And yet
    I keep
    Going
    Back
    To
    My
    Hiding
     
    I press against the wall
    Smash myself into the corner
    On the floor
     
    “Go unnoticed.”
    “Make yourself small.”
    “Put up your hood.”
    “Nobody wants to see you.”
     
    I have to hide
    Right?
     
    This is normal
    Right?
     
    I talk to the voices
    The people who aren’t there
     
    I hold the
    Invisible hand
    But it feels real
    I can feel it
    But no one
    Else
    Can
     
    I’m not normal
    So I Hide
     
    I hide
     
    I hide
    Because
    I have
    To
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Reserved for a really special poem that I can't post yet ❤️ 

     

    Spoiler

    Thoughts

     
    My mind
    It races
    As fast
    As it can
     
    It jumps from
    Topic to
    Topic
    But only stays on one
     
    The thought,
    Always somewhere in my head
     
    “Kill yourself, you’re better off dead.”
     
    I try not to entertain this fantasy
    That I have,
     
    But it is taking over.
     
    My broken brain thinks
    Deep down
    That everything is better
    If we die.
     
    What is there to live for?
    The Shadow cares about nothing.
     
    These thoughts
    Will one day
    Be the death of me.
     
    Welcome to the funeral.
    She was killed
    By
    Her
    Own
    Thoughts.
     
    ~ Stick 1-17-24

     

    Spoiler

    Okay

     
    I am not okay.
    I have tried so hard
    To be okay.
     
    For my family.
    For my friends.
    For the people who need me.
     
    But no more.
    I don’t have
    To be okay.
     
    I will heal.
    One day, I will be
    Okay.
     
    But that is not today.
    That might not be tomorrow.
    Or next week.
     
    I admit it.
    I’m not “fine”
    I’m not “good”
    I am broken
    But
    In the process
    Of healing.
     
    I am
    Perfectly
    Imperfect.
     
    That is okay,
    Even if
    I’m not.
     
    And that is okay.
    I’ll get there,
    One day.
     
    One day,
    I will
    Be okay.
     
    ~ Stick 1-19-24

     

    Spoiler

    Why Can’t We Fix This?

     
    I’m a tiny little worm.
    I crawl through the dirt, just living,
    Just doing as I was
    Created to do.
     
    I poke my tiny head
    Out
    Of the dirt.
    I wiggle further,
    Further…
     
    Splat!
    I hit something hard.
    What is it?
    I can’t see it, for,
    I don’t have eyes.
     
    I try to push through it
    To no avail!
    I try to go around it
    But I can’t escape.
    I can’t eat it,
    I can’t get out of it.
     
    I am trapped!
     
    Over the next while,
    It becomes hot.
    Very hot.
    I can feel the sun, and I try
    To squirm away,
    But the sun burns me!
     
    It’s hot, so very hot
    I’m drying out,
    The heat-
     
     
     
     
    I am a squirrel.
    I bounce, too and fro,
    Collecting food and saving
    It away for
    Winter.
     
    My purpose.
     
    I see something on the ground!
    It’s shiny.
    I creep closer, trying to see…
    It smells good!
    I take a small bite of it.
    It’s slippery, crinkly, and doesn’t
    Taste like anything I’ve
    Ever eaten.
     
    A sound comes from
    The hill above me.
    I smell human.
    I bound up the nearest
    Tree,
    Perching where I can see…
     
    The human throws
    Something down the hill.
    Something shiny, roundish,
    Clear- like water, like ice?
     
    The thing hits a rock
    And… shatters?
    Little bits go flying
    Everywhere,
    Then, the human
    Leaves.
     
    I wait for a long time,
    Unmoving.
    Then, I
    Creep
    Down
    The tree,
    Scurry over
    To one of the
    Pieces.
     
    I sniff at it,
    But it doesn’t move.
    It’s so shiny…
    I reach my paw forward…
     
    A stick somewhere
    Behind me,
    Cracks suddenly!
     
    I jump at the sound,
    My paw, comes down on
    The shard of the thing-
    It goes right through
    My paw!
    I squeak in pain
    And fright,
    Bounding up the nearest
    Tree!
     
    The thing, now stuck
    Deep into my paw,
    Comes with me.
     
    I look down at the
    Bark of the tree
    In which I cling.
    It is spattered with blood.
    I can smell it.
     
    It’s my blood.
     
    I try to climb higher
    In the tree,
    Limping
    All the way.
     
    When I feel I’m safe
    Enough,
    I examine my paw.
    The pain is excruciating,
    My blood continues to leak from
    Torn skin and matted fur.
     
    I can still feel the thing
    Inside.
    It seems to be
    Gouging
    Deeper.
     
    After trying,
    With no luck,
    For some time
    To get
    The thing out
    Of my paw,
    I start to feel
    Sleepy.
     
    My paw starts to feel
    Numb, my head
    Feels
    Light…
     
    I have to find my nest,
    Just to
    Take
    A small
    Sleep…
     
     
    I am a deer.
    I’m trotting over my patch of
    Woods,
    My head held
    High, my eight
    Antler points
    Displayed proudly.
     
    I am at the top of a small rise,
    The strange rock I’m standing
    On is interlaced
    With strange,
    Metallic-smelling bars.
    It makes me uneasy, for some
    Reason.
     
    It’s going to be fine.
    Of course it will be.
     
    I take one
    Step
    Closer to the edge,
    Ears alert for
    Any sign of
    Danger.
     
    My ears could
    Never have warned me
    Of what happened
    Next.
     
    The footing under
    My front hooves
    Suddenly collapses,
    Tumbling me over the edge!
     
    But my rear legs become
    Tangled in those
    Strange metallic
    Bars, snagging me painfully.
     
    I’m suspended,
    Upside down,
    Three deerlengths above
    The rocky ground.
     
    The bars are hard and solid,
    Digging into my slender
    Legs,
    Cutting them deeply.
     
    If only I had know
    What sharp edges
    They had!
     
    I’m kicking
    Frantically,
    Trying to break free,
    Trying to escape the pain
    The horror of being so
    Precariously high!
     
    A sound rises in my throat,
    Tears out my mouth before
    I can stop it.
     
    Whether from pain
    Or fear, I can’t tell.
     
    I bawl again, continuing to kick
    For a long while.
     
    I’m getting so
    Tired.
     
    I stop struggling, feeling
    The weight of
    My body
    Pressing
    Down on my
    Lungs,
    Blood rushing
    To my head.
     
    My vision is
    Turning red,
    Clouded by the blood
    In my skull.
     
    My breath comes in pants.
     
    Everything hurts.
     
    I have no more strength.
     
    I’m bleeding…
     
    Bleeding….
     
     
    I’m a person,
    A young person.
    I’m waking through the woods,
    Beside the river.
     
    I’m disgusted!
    There is so much trash!
    I can’t take a single step
    Without glass
    Crunching
    Beneath my shoes.
     
    Plastic and metal protrude from
    The surrounding leaf-litter.
    A small bird hops over a half
    Buried soda can,
    Another perches on
    A beer bottle.
     
    Tiny, sickly plants attempt
    To grow around a deflated
    Plastic pool float.
     
    Everywhere, there are glass shards,
    Beer bottles,
    Smashed cans,
    Broken containers,
    Shattered jars,
    Dirt and rust,
    Filth and chemicals.
     
    Old tires and plastic toys
    Scattered between
    Dying, hole-filled, blackened
    Trees.
     
    Concrete stairs,
    Cinder blocks,
    Concrete pads and
    An entire cliff,
    Twisted, sharp, metal
    Saluting the dead tree branches
    Above.
     
    I walk- slide, more like-
    Down the steep hill, to the
    Bottom of the cliff.
     
    I kick aside leaves,
    Sticks, rotting wood,
    Cans, glass, bottles,
    Underneath…
    There lies an old
    Deer skull.
    An eight point buck.
     
    I pick up the skull.
    It’s white, bleached,
    It no longer smells.
     
    I shake my head,
    Trying to imagine what
    Might have
    Killed the poor
    Thing.
     
    I look around the dying woods, down to the murky, nasty,
    Water
    Below.
     
    Is there any hope for this land?
    Can it ever be
    Returned to what
    It was created to be?
    Can we reconcile all
    That was lost?
    Can we restart the
    Ecosystem?
    Diversify the flora
    And fauna
    As it once was?
     
    I don’t know.
    I’m but one teenager.
    What can I do?
     
    I think about it,
    Sweat trickling
    Down the back of my neck.
    The gnats swarming my arms.
     
    I need to start back soon,
    Go back to the clean,
    Bright cottage.
     
    I have a beautiful place to
    Stay, here,
    But the animals?
    The permanent residents?
    Those defenseless against
    Pollution?
     
    Their woods-
    Where they have been since
    Day four
    Of creation-
    Is now full
    Of things they can’t
    Stand against,
    Things they had no part
    In making!
    Things that only
    Desecrate their habitats,
    But help us so that
    We can do less work,
    At the expense of the
    Ecosystem,
    At the expense of that which
    Enables us to live at all.
     
    Their woods seem to
    No longer be
    Their woods.
     
    Why can we not fix this?
     
    Take care of all this
    Pollution,
    Take care of our farms,
    In turn, our health,
    The health of
    Our children,
    Grandchildren,
    Yes, great grandchildren!
     
    Why can’t we
    Stop
    Fighting out wars,
    Our petty squabbles over
    Land-
    Land that is slowly
    Disappearing.
     
    Why don’t we take care
    Of this wonderful gift
    God has blessed us with?
     
    Why can’t we fix this?
     
    ~ Stick 4-16-24

     

    Spoiler

    Pain

     
    It hurts.
    I feel like my heart
    Was torn out of my chest.
    Was twisted and squeezed,
    Bruised and cut.
     
    It wasn’t returned to me either.
    I think I’m dying.
     
    I didn’t know anything
    Could hurt this bad.
     
    The tears, as many as there are
    Are still inadequate to
    Capture this anguish.
     
    It hurts.
    It’s like no other pain
    I’ve ever felt.
     
    I can’t move under the weight
    Of my sorrow.
    I can’t breathe.
    Do I even want to?
     
    I can do nothing
    But lie here
    In the dark,
    Alone.
     
    Staring up at my ceiling,
    Sobbing the battered
    Remains of my
    Heart out.
     
    I’m dying.
    I can feel the life
    Ebbing away from my
    Cold, shaking body.
     
    The breath in my lungs
    Rattles back and forth.
     
    I am dying.
    I can’t survive this.
    It hurts to much.
     
    Pain.
    Can’t anymore.
    Dying.
     
    ~ Stick 4-22-24

     

    Spoiler

    Confusion

     
    I don’t know what happened.
    I don’t know what
    I did wrong.
    I don’t know how
    To make it better.
     
    What did I do wrong?
     
    I know it’s my fault.
    It normally is.
    But I just wish…
    I wish I could make it right,
    Fix things,
    Go back to normal.
     
    I wish I knew what
    I did wrong.
     
    I’m so confused.
     
    My brain runs is circles,
    Chasing its tail.
     
    What did I do?
    Can I fix it?
    How do I fix it
    If I don’t know what
    Happened?
    If I don’t know what
    I did to deserve this.
     
    Circles,
    Round and
    Round,
    Over and
    Over.
     
    Confusion.
     
    Buzzing thoughts.
    Painful thoughts.
    Beating against the
    Inside of my
    Skull.
     
    This is my
    Punishment
    For what I did wrong,
    I suppose.
     
    If its my punishment,
    Then I deserve it.
    It was, after all,
    My fault.
     
    It’s painful.
    It cuts.
    But I do deserve the pain.
     
    Such is the
    Price of
    Confusion.
     
    ~ Stick 4-23-24
     
     

     

    Spoiler

    Exploring

     
    “Let’s go exploring!”
    They say, grabbing your hand
    And dragging you along.
    “Okay?” You- we are confused.
    Why do we need to explore?
    Oh right.
    To find the problems.
     
    “Tell me everything.” They say.
    We can’t refuse them, so we start
    Talking.
    We talk
    And
    Talk,
    Using up
    Our words,
    Sapping away
    Our energy,
    Emotions and
    Everything
    Else.
     
    “Deeper! Dig deeper! We are
    Exploring.”
    Can we go much deeper
    Before our tunnel
    Collapses?
    I guess we are going to
    Find out,
    Aren’t we.
    Explore every
    Lie,
    Every doubt,
    Every dank
    Dark
    Corner
    Of this place.
    We’ll see how soon
    The tunnel
    Collapses, shutting
    Everyone
    And everything
    Out.
    Then there would be
    No more exploring.
    No more digging,
    No more pain.
     
    “Tell me about this part?”
    We don’t want to talk
    About that.
    But we do.
    We open our mouth and
    Use more
    Useless
    Words.
     
    Useless words that
    Hold nothing for us
    Anymore.
    We still write, yes.
    But does it mean anything?
    Full of words,
    Exploring through words.
     
    Going deeper through words.
    Explaining what
    Nobody else can
    Ever understand
    Through
    Words.
     
    They seem so empty,
    So
    Inadequate.
     
    Fragile and
    Fickle,
    Slippery,
    Hard to
    Straighten
    Into a line
    That they
    Will understand.
     
    If they don’t understand,
    Then they- we, I guess-
    Need to explore deeper.
    Closer to collapse.
     
    We are so tired.
     
    “Let’s explore more!”
    So we do.
     
    Stuck exploring what
    Should have been
    Left alone.
     
    ~ Stick 4-23-24

     

    Spoiler

    Flowers in Fire

     
    Little
    Purple
    Flowers.
     
    Violets.
    Fresh,
    Innocent,
    Beautiful and
    Harmless.
     
    Pluck them
    Out of
    The
    Dirt from
    Whence they
    Grew.
     
    Arrange them,
    Add leaves,
    Texture,
    Grasses.
     
    Behold your
    Creation; beautiful,
    Nearly
    Perfect.
     
    Adjust it
    Slightly,
    A tiny leaf
    Here,
    Another flower
    There.
     
    Let the sun
    Catch it
    And play through
    The foliage.
     
    Take a tiny
    Step back.
    Admire.
     
    Show off,
    Receive compliments,
    Feel happy.
     
    Feelings fade,
    Feel empty.
    Look down…
     
    You thought it
    Was beautiful.
    But it now
    Seems to
    Perfect for you.
     
    You grasp them
    Tightly,
    Crushing the
    Tender young
    Stems.
    You don’t care
    Anymore.
     
    You are angry,
    But don’t know why.
    They are just flowers.
    And yet…
     
    You take your
    Masterful,
    Tiny
    Bouquet,
    And lay it gently
    Into the
    Pile of burning
    Wood.
     
    You watch the
    Smoke rise,
    The flame
    Stroke the
    Edges.
    Watch the tiny
    Leaves and
    Flowers
    Shrivel.
    Turn black
    And
    Die.
     
    Dead in the ashes.
     
    Such is the
    Result
    Of flowers
    In fire.
     
    ~ Stick 4-24-24
     
     
    “The flowers
    Are burnt
    Shriveled
    Dead
    But not gone
     
    Seeds
    Pop in the fire
    And memories
    Of all
    That they were
     
    Little
    Purple violets
    Beautiful
    Despite
    Being dead
     
    Little
    Hopeful flowers
    Will someday grow
    From the ashes”
     
    ~ @Edema Rue in response

     

    Spoiler

    Head Down

     
    Look at the floor.
    Become invisible.
    Observe only
    The ground beneath
    You.
     
    They don’t
    Want you staring.
     
    They don’t
    Want to see
    You.
     
    You need to
    Fix your eyes
    On the dust
    From whence
    You came.
     
    After all,
    It’s where you
    Belong.
     
    Don’t look up,
    Don’t ask questions,
    Become the one
    Who can be
    Ignored.
     
    They don’t want
    You here.
     
    Keep
    Looking down.
    Down is safer.
    Down is where
    You won’t get
    Hurt.
     
    Where you won’t get
    Yelled at.
     
    Where you’re
    Safest.
     
    Just look
    Down.
     
    Bow your head
    Pretend to be
    Busy.
    Pretend you
    Are too
    Lowly to
    Look upon
    The faces of
    Others.
     
    Avoid their eyes.
    Look at their shoes.
    Look at your shoes.
    Head down.
     
    Always head
    Down.
     
    ~ Stick 4-25-24

     

    Spoiler

    Outside Looking In

     
    Standing there
    Looking through
    The glass
    At the happy gathering
    On the other
    Side
     
    Wondering
    Hoping
    That one
    Day
    We’ll be
    Let in
     
    We’re so tired
    Of being on the
    Outside
     
    We aren’t allowed
    To play their games
    To ask the questions
    To be like them
     
    We are on the
    Outside
     
    We can see
    But we can never
    Be apart
     
    That isn’t who we are
    We aren’t included
    We don’t belong
     
    It’s just us
    Me and you
    Alone in our
    Head
     
    Unable to escape
    Unable to join in
    Unwilling to stop
    Trying to fit
     
    Sometimes
    We catch a
    Glimpse
    Of the inside
    A tiny snippet
    Of their world
    Of who they are
     
    Sometimes
     
    But then
    We are too weird
    To messed up
    The outcast
    Once more
     
    Stuck inside
    Talking to each other
    But nobody
    Wants to be friends
    With the girl
    Who talks to
    Herself
     
    She belongs on the outside
    We are on the outside
    Just trying
    To be
    Let in
     
    ~ Stick 4-25-24

     

    Spoiler

    Mental Picture

     
    I’m imagining
    Somewhere quiet,
    Peaceful.
     
    I’m whisking myself away ,
    Creating a mental picture.
     
    I can go anywhere,
    For imagination has
    No limits.
     
    I’m ignoring the
    Noises.
    The hustle and
    Bustle of
    A crowed
    Restaurant.
     
    I’m ignoring
    The dizziness
    Ignoring the headache.
     
    Trying not
    To focus on
    The banging
    Clanging
    Voices
    Can’t breathe-
     
    Heart racing
    Mind numbing
    Tunnel vision
     
    Blinking back
    The black spots
     
    People behind me
    Reaching for
    Knives
    Kill my family
     
    Can’t breathe-
    Swirling
    Always swirling
    Not hungry
    Have to escape
     
    Run
    Hide
    Disappear
     
    Feel hot and cold
    Flushed
    Dizzy
     
    Good thing
    I’m sitting
    Down
    Or i might
    Pass out
     
    Watch
    Buzzes
    Heart rate
    To fast
     
    Can’t slow down
    Racing
    My mind
    Have to
    Pay
    Attention to
    The children
    Need me
    Can’t not be okay
    For them
     
    Calling my name
    Snap out
    Play their games
    Sit on shaking
    Hands
     
    Mental picture
    Dissipates
    Fading
    Popping into
    Dark swirling
    Mist.
     
    No escape
    Not yet
    Chest feels
    Tight
    Legs shake
    Can’t breathe
    Trying not to
    Hyperventilate
    Hot
    Hot hot hot
     
    Take a sip of
    Water
    The burns my
    Tongue with
    Cold
    But does nothing
    To rid of the
    Internal heat
    And pressure
     
    Can’t find
    My mental picture.
    It’s gone.
     
    ~ Stick 4-26-24

     

    Spoiler

    Little Sisters

     
    Running, jumping,
    Screaming
     
    Makeup and dress up,
    Stuffed animals and
    Henna,
    Playing games,
    Out for dinner
     
    Tic-tac-toe,
    Drawing with crayons,
    Fry-eating contests
     
    Piggyback rides,
    Belting contests,
    The Greatest Showman
     
    Tiny sticky fingers,
    Capturing your own,
    Tugging you along,
    Back to the land
    Of princess, of house
    Of school-
     
    Looking up at you
    Bright grey-blue eyes,
    Through them,
    You can do no wrong
     
    “I love you.”
    A quiet whisper
    During movie time
    On the couch.
     
    Words that shoot
    Through your veins,
    Straight to the heart,
    Warming you through and
    Through, even as they scoot closer.
     
    “You’re so good at everything!”
    “Can you teach me?”
    “You’re so smart!”
    “Do you have a boyfriend?”
    “Can you put henna on me
    Pleeeease?”
    “Can we make bracelets?”
    “Can you carry me?”
    “You’re so strong!”
    “Look what I made you!
    It’s special, just for
    You!”
     
    Tiny sisters,
    So young,
    Sweet,
    Innocent.
    My beautiful sisters,
    Unrelated to me,
    But mine all the same.
     
    ~ Stick 4-28-24
     
     
     

    (more later)

    3

  2. The Sacrifice RP

    in Roleplaying

    Posted

    6 hours ago, RoyalBeeMage said:

    roy procured a glass of iced water with a few ice cubes bobbing in it and handed it over to ahna. he also tried to lay a hand on her shoulder comfortingly but felt an electric shock.

     

    Ahna took the water, taking a sip absently. 

    31 minutes ago, Edema Rue said:

     

    Quote

    ...😈

     

    0

  3. Therapy: An RP

    in Roleplaying

    Posted

    6 hours ago, RoyalBeeMage said:

    "i fell regret, guilt and a satisfaction during the flashes. all I hear are screams! every time I dare to close my eyes!"

     

    Quote

    *gasp* Don't apologise for that!!!! It's amazing!!! :DDDD

    "Satisfaction?" 

    0

  5. Ask Ms. Eddie anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    14 hours ago, Edema Rue said:

    I begin laughing. 

    All my work…

    It’s finally paid off.

    I continue laughing as I 

    (TW)

      Reveal hidden contents

    Twist the shoelace around the neck of one person and stab the pen into the eye of the other.

    The chicken and I begin our perfectly choreographed dance number upon the extra dimensional 10 ft. 

    Then, dipping the pen in the blood that still trickles from the eye socket of the second person, I begin to write all across the door.

    Crimson on pink.

    Words spread from my fingers without design or function. Stories, heartbreak, love and loss and death spread across this unexpected canvas.

    Behind it all is laughter. Wild laughter that can be neither contained nor controlled. It is as free and beautiful as song. It leaps from the heart to the air, and the chicken quivers at the ethereal harmonies that should be impossible.

    And so I keep writing.

     

    1 hour ago, Edema Rue said:

    …

    @Anguished_One was that too much

    *blinks*

    Uhh

    uhhh...

    uh

    *...*

    0

  6. The Last Post Wins!!!!!

    in Forum Games & Random Stuff

    Posted

    16 hours ago, BlueWildRye said:

    HOWEVER, I win.

    Stick dropping the most thought provoking poetry ever on FGaRS, just a normal Saturday

    xDD tis a song.

    very good one

    14 hours ago, Through The Living Glass said:

    I think I've heard that song before.

    Still beautiful.

    Also *hug*

    ❤️ 

    14 hours ago, strmblsd said:

    Hugs...hugs...

    *hug*

     

    *wins*

    0

  7. Ask Glass Anything, I Guess. Go Crazy.

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  9. Ask Aeo Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  10. Ask Narrator anythinggggg

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  11. Ask jm Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  12. Creative title goes here (Ask Aeternum anything)

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    1

  13. Ask Aetherbound anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  14. Ask LightRinger Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  15. Ask Wizard Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  16. TwinSouls AMA:

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  17. Ask Faerie Braids Anything!

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  18. Ask Scars Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  19. Ask Wit Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    1

  20. Ask a platypus Anything (Cash67)

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  21. Ask Haly anything (if you really want to know)

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  22. Ask Ene Literally Anything, Including Advice

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  23. Ask Wierdo anything!

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0

  24. AAEEAA or Ask Ancient Elantrian Everything And Anything

    in AMAs

    Posted

    You have two people in the same room as you.

    They are both staring at you awkwardly.

    You have a black shoelace and a yellow ballpoint pen.

    There is a white Silkie chicken in one corner of the room.

    It looks slightly angry.

    The room is a perfect square, 10ft x 10ft x 10ft x 10ft.

    The door is bright pink and locked from the outside.

    There are no windows.

    There is no furniture.

    What do you do?

    0
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