Part Of The Narrative

Did I pick a good one??

Me: Two layers of obsidian around the bed didn't protect ur mom last night

 

     I wish I could cry for a day so that I could be fine. I wish I could let my mom walk in and see that I was crying. I wish I was able to show emotion, to express myself in any way other than humor. I wish I could be serious about serious things, I wish I was brave enough to cry to my friend on FaceTime and not be scared. I wish I could be vulnerable in more places then a bunk bed at night in the pitch black. I wish I hadn’t let myself set the standard of being that friend who always has a joke, who never cracks, because she has it all together. I wish I had a deep story, or a dramatic testimony, or something that would make people look at something other than the walls of expectations I’ve built. I wish I knew everything about relationships and how to heal them and how to cut them and how to wrap them up in bandages and hide them so no one knew they were broken. I wish I had what I lost. I wish I wasn’t on the outside anymore. I wish I wasn’t such a hypocrite. I wished I lived closer to someone I really know so they could know I don’t practice what I preach. I miss being the one who came to church late and automatically found my best friend, who’s holding a Starbucks drink she bought for me on the way here. Her mouth drops open as she squeals about the new look I tried with my hair. After church she pulls me over to her mom and we exchange whispered conversations trying to arrange a sleepover. I miss being the one who cared enough to wake up hours before needed, just to get ready, who picked her outfit out the night before and did her hair three days in advance. I wish I was strong enough to admit weakness, I wish I was mature enough to handle more then I can, I wish I was able to handle being confided in even though I know I shouldn’t be. I wish I was brave enough to show people my work, my passion, my art, my writing, my music. I wish I could celebrate my friend’s trying to get more into the things I’m into without feeling like they’re trying to steal my identity. I wish I was making more progress than I am. I wish I really did have it all together, and I wish I knew how to tell people what I mean without making them feel terrible.

 

I wish I was like you.

 

It’s beautiful outside.

The sun

Peeks over the clouds

Turning them golden

As it starts to set.

 

The trees

Let little flecks of light through.

The leaves look like dappled paint.

I can see myself

In the car mirror

Singing

“A little fall of rain.”

 

One and a half hours later

I walk out the church doors.

My posture is tired.

But my eyes

Are full of light.

A small secret

That I hide.

A small moment

Tucked away forever.

 

As I look around,

Even the parking lot seems stunning.

The dull looking cars

Speak volumes about the people who drive them.

The cracked pavement

Is so detailed.

Many colors overlap the uniform grey blue.

 

I was appreciative before.

But now I am thankful.

My heart sings

I smile as I walk to my car

I grin in the fading light

I think

Of my secret.

 

The precious thing is

Though this secret concerns you

You do not know that I have it.

You may not even remember it.

You were there

But the lovely thing is

It is my secret.

 

The way I tilted my head

As I examined the organ pipes

The way your eyes met mine

More then once

The way I said something

Something silly

Not even worth addressing

And you,

Standing on the edge

Of my bubble of space,

Laughed.

 

You laugh still.

I can hear it

I can see it

It is like rain.

It is like rain on a beautiful day where the sun is shining through the clouds and making them appear golden.

 

It is unexpected.

It is surprising

But not unwelcome

Not to me.

 

The rain falls on my skin

I soak it up

I close my eyes,

Reveling in this moment

I capture it

I save it

I freeze it in time.

 

The rain stops soon.

I turn away

I get a drink

People come in

We are singing now

 

The rain is over

But I am still wet

And where you looked at me

Where you laughed—

Where the rain fell—

There is a rainbow.

A promise.

A little fall of rain

On a beautiful day

Where the sun shines through the clouds

Turning them

Gold.

 

4/23/24

Stay

 

Hold on

 

I know you’re tired

Tired of hearing that

Tired of school

Of people 

Of living

 

I know

You want 

To stop

 

Stay

Please

There are people

Who need you

Not because

You owe them something

But because 

They love you

They want you

They need you

 

What would happen? 

If you

Left?

 

There’s no way

For you to know

 

I wish I could tell you

How much we love you

How we wish

We could make you

Understand

 

That no matter

How much you feel

Like you’re alone

Like you’re unloved

Unwanted

Like you don’t matter

Like we’d be

Better

Off

Without you

 

That we-

We–

I

Need you

 

Remember

How the God

That made the stars

The mountains

The oceans

The planets

Took time

To carefully

Craft 

You

 

And he 

Does NOT

Make 

mistakes

 

“A lot of love

Definitely 

She should like reading!

Yes

Amazing at writing?

Of course

A way of touching people’s hearts

A way of helping others

A sacrificial attitude 

A fire

A whole 

Lot 

Of strength.

 

Hardships too

She can’t 

Be weak

I won’t let her

Be sheltered

I’m growing her

I’m refining her

Just

You

Wait

 

To see

What I’m gonna do 

With her

 

You’re not ready

I promise.”

 

Stay

Hold on

Cuz your goodbye

Would mean

Forever

 

You 

Would be throwing away

The purpose 

He has for you

The life

He’s planned for you

The plans he has

To touch other people

Through

You

 

Stay

And find out

 

Stay 

And let me

Hold you

 

Stay 

And watch

Miracles

Happen

 

Stay

With

Me

 

Stars

 

Is it true?

I heard it said

That when I look up

I

See the same

Stars

That you do

 

Everything

That comes in between us

Wrong words

Lack of focus

(because of each other)

It all doesn’t really matter

 

Doesn’t it make you

Feel small?

The fact

That I

Could be standing

Outside

At the same time as you

And we’d be looking

At the same stars

 

It makes you feel 

Closer

And so far away

At the same time

 

Are you sure they’re the same?

I’m still a little doubtful

It seems too easy

Is there a different sky where you are?

Are the stars different?

 

Are you different?

 

Would I be?

 

If I traveled there

What if Artemis picked me up in her carriage tonight?

If Selene lent me some moonlight?

If Zephyr sent me a current?

Would the journey

Change me? 

 

Hang on

I'm coming 

 

So when I arrive

And we are looking at the same stars

It’s still different

 

I realized something on the way over

The stars didn’t change

They really are the same in your world

It’s us

We change

We

Make

The difference

 

So

When you see the stars

Remember 

They stay the same

It’s just 

Our perception

That changes

 

I’ll be waiting

When your perception changes

I’ll still be here

Don’t worry

 

I’ll wait here for you

 

Under

The stars

 

I heard that eyes

Are a window

To the soul

 

Too bad you hide behind glass

 

It’s not the glass that’s the problem

The glass is beautiful–

Deep

Soft

Dark

 

It’s there,

Though 

 

Eyes 

Change

With our

Expressions

 

Your eyes sparkle

When you smile

 

You smile a lot

 

It’s not just you

My eyes are hidden too

A circle of dark glass

To hide my thoughts

 

Some people are open in this

Their eyes are honest

They show you

Their hearts

 

You’re better at that

Then I am

Though you still keep things dark

It’s not really our fault,

Is it?

 

Our glass is dark

Like a tinted bottle

But somehow

Your eyes convey things

While still hiding

Behind

Glass 

 

How do you do it?

I can’t sparkle and hide at the same time

You’ll have to teach me

 

I’ll have to study

Do my little research

You know how I can do that?

I just have to 

 

See you

 

I could learn

If you would look at me

Long enough

To show me

 

Two kinds of cold

1

Numb

Uncaring

Tired

Exhausted, really

 

Wait

Wrong kind

 

2

Sharp

Stabbing,

Somehow

It makes you

Feel

Warm

 

Buried under snow

My little sis put it there

Laughing

A kid again

In a way

 

I haven’t

Had a

Snow fight

In

Years

Sad, isn't it?

But I did today

 

Peaceful

White

Sparkly

Clean

Snow

That was made for us

Perfect

 

Sledding

A ramp

A car honked at us

Who cares?

 

It was fun

As snow

Was intended

To be

 

Cold,

Yet it made me feel

Warm

Safe

 

Home

Blankets

Friends

Jesus

 

Safe

 

You won’t be ,

You think.

You can’t be.

 

You’re wrong.

 

You will be

It might be gradual

Slow

You might not notice a change at first

You might be driving home

You might realize your sweatshirt sleeve isn’t as chewed as normal

You might go to church

You might find out that worship doesn’t hurt as much as it used to

 

Safe

 

I can’t make you safe

I wish I could

But you and both know

There’s only one person who can do that

You know who

 

Safe

 

I wish I could help

Wrap you up in me and a blanket

Hold you

Tight

So you would feel

Safe

 

I can, one day

Not too far away

It won’t be just me either

It’ll be Love

It’ll be joy

 

Jesus

 

Safe

 

With you

With me

With him

 

Safe

Eternally.

 

 

Hard

Scary

Awful

Terrifying

 

It will be

 

Empty

Numb

Cracked

Painful

 

It will be

 

Fear inducing

Destructive seeming

Easy to break

 

It will be

 

That’s healing

 

That’s what he wants

 

It’s what I want

 

Fire

Hammers

Sifting

Burning

 

It will be

 

Tempering

Cooling

Refining

 

It will be

 

That’s what you are

That’s what you’ve become

 

It’s not easy

If it was, it would destroy the purpose

It’s not fun

If it was, it’d be pointless

 

It’s

What

Needs

To

Happen

 

And eventually

 

Held

Safe

Laughing

Crying

Emotions

Fleeting

Hold on

You can do it

You’re strong

 

Unbreakable

Daughter of Christ

Free

Strong

Been there

Done that

 

Fearless

Beautiful

Clean

You’ve done that too

 

You will be

 

You are

 

Perfectly

Imperfect

The way

God

Designed

You

 

Maybe

Hard to believe

Sometimes

Hard to breathe

Always

Have to think

To find the words

 

Loved

 

Found it.

 

You can do it

 

1

2

3

 

Count

The breaths

They help

They heal

They’re hard

 

It’s hard

To find breath

Sometimes

I can see

I’m trying to understand

 

1

2

3

 

I know

The world is ending

The pain

Has faded to numbness

A weight

On your heart

Breathing is adding to it

It’s annoying

Cumbersome

You wonder

Would it really be so bad

To just

Stop

 

I

Don’t

Know

 

Don’t think about it

Don’t

Give it

That kind of

Power

Mechanical

It can’t be that complicated

Maybe it is

But you

Can

Do

It

 

Please

 

Keep

 

Breathing

 

 

The things

I’d do

For you

If I could

 

Take your pain

Your fear

Put it on me

Instead of you

 

Your situation

Your circumstances

Your life

If I could

I would change it

 

You know this, right?

 

I would trade

My life

For yours

If

I

Only

Could

 

Wait.

 

Someone…

 

He already did that

 

…didn’t he?

 

Took the pain

The fear

The life

Died

For you

So

You

Could

Live

 

Not just you, either

Me

My family

Yours

 

“And what a sorry

Miserable

Waste

My life is

In light of what he did”

 

THAT

My friend

Is called

A lie

 

A voice

A whisper

A tremble

Worms it’s way in

Takes over the thoughts

Controls the mind

 

Don’t listen.

 

I would take

Those bullets for you

Hear those voices

If

I

Could

 

But

 

I

Don’t

Need

To

 

He

Already

Did.

 

It’s time

Don’t you think so?

Time to just

Wait

 

Open your arms

Let down your guards

Take off the mask

That covers your pain

 

Your feelings

Your fear

Your numbness

 

Give it up

 

Trust

 

What a funny word

A strange concept

After all that’s been done

Why would you want to trust?

 

How could anything

Ever

Be ok again?

 

I have to.

I have to keep going

My responsibilities…

The people I call friends…

They tell me they would crack without me

So I must

Keep going

No

 

Let

Go

 

Trust

Not in me

In Him

 

Yes, it’s hard

Painful

 

But

Try

 

That’s

All

We

Can really

Do

 

Wait

Through

The numbness

Wait

 

Trust

 

Broken

Shattered

Unfixable

Unwanted

Hopeless

 

These are the words

We tell ourselves

Day after day

Speaking into ourselves

Lies

But they’re real

To us

In those moments

 

We’re wounded

Raw scrapes

Cuts

Slashes

Tearing into our souls

Ripping apart the fragile walls we’ve built

 

Fake smiles

Everything’s fine

Normal

 

But then we’re crying on the floor of our rooms

Because it’s not fine

It might be normal at this point

But it’s not fine

 

These wounds

Go deeper

They don’t heal

They become scars

But they don’t heal

 

They break us from the inside

People say

Scars are a testament

To strength

But hearts can break

And we can pretend

They’re healed

That they don’t need attention

We can ignore them

Don’t face them

 

Curled up in winter

The tears are gone now

We’re too exhausted to cry

Because we stopped feeling a long time ago

We’re numb

It’s better like that

We can’t feel pain

The pain

Of that person we lost

Of that hope that was crushed

 

On our knees

Tearing ourselves apart

It’s in these moments

We look up

Desperate

And see open arms

 

Healing

 

A strange word

A contradiction at the beginning

An anomaly

 

Becoming less foreign

Seeming like a possibility

Wounds healing for real

Becoming healthy scars

Permanent

But strong

 

We can see the same ones

Etched into the people around us

Written in their eyes

Engraved into their actions

Stapled to their hearts

And we remember

 

Remember how it felt

No hope

Darkness

Afraid

Nowhere to go

 

When we remember

We reach over

And we take their hand

The person looks up

As we did

And they see the same open arms

 

They’re crying

We’re crying

We’re shivering

We’re breaking all over again

For this person

We’re praying

We’re loving

 

We’re living

 

That’s life

You don’t know, right?

You can’t see?

Good

I wouldn’t want you to

Even if 

You had the capacity

The brain space

To understand 

I won’t bother you 

With my thoughts

Just tell me

I’ll know

I’ll understand 

Don’t dance around it

That’s my job

Just tell me

“I don’t like your personality”

“I’m closer to my other friends”

“You’re just the comedic relief”

“I talk to her about this stuff”

“You’re the person I laugh with”

“I go to you to be funny”

“I wouldn’t,

Like, 

Just

Talk 

To you

You

Wouldn’t 

Understand”

 

It’s fine

I don’t care

I’ll live

And while I’m at it

I know about the other one of me

“I can’t stand her for too long”

“She’s great…but she’s too young”

“She’s so unhinged”

“Oh, of course I love her, but, like…”

“She pisses me off”

“I can’t talk to her”

“Oh! Both of you”

“You

Don’t 

Understand”

 

I’m not toxic

Or stupid

I know 

When I’m not wanted

So, you!

Want to come over next time?

We can laugh

We can write

Draw 

Sing 

We have these 

In common

Along with

Being 

The 

Comedic

Relief 

 

We

Understand

 

Call me

Next time

We can FaceTime 

Work on stories

 

Only you and me

Know about 

This

We

Share something

An 

Exclusion

But it’s for the best

It’s ok

I’m fine

I understand.