Herowannabe he/him Posted March 27, 2019 Report Share Posted March 27, 2019 (edited) Where are my opponents? @hoiditthroughthegrapevine @Felt I wasn't able to make the deadline- I only got about halfway through my rap before I had to get back to work, but I'm working on it now and should have it posted in a couple hours tops. EDIT: Okay, here's my rap. I'm pretty proud of this one, it's one of my better roasts. Enjoy! Spoiler The results just came in from my intelligence tests Once again proving that my intellect’s best So let’s get down to it and start this contest But seriously, “Contest?” Ha! That’s just a jest These inept fools will be most hard-pressed To match wits with the wit with which I have been blessed (Say that ten times fast and I might be impressed But best not to try lest you end up distressed) Now before we begin I have one request It is by “Your Majesty” that I should be addressed Or “Mr. T” if you must- though now I’ve digressed Enough of that now let’s start this slugfest First let me deal with you, my “friend” Galladon I regret to inform that your entry’s invalid, son You’ve been disqualified for moping a lot Go back to Elantris, yeah it’s better you rot But seriously, you’re way out of your league, Sule I’ve got not just one, but two countries I rule I created the Diagram in one frantic day And got Szeth to serve me in his pedantic way I’ve tricked all of Roshar into thinking I’m dense While killing their kings and orchestrating events And what were you doing while I colluded with Odium? That’s right, just lounging around and *dispensing sodium You say that you’re dead ‘cause your heart doesn’t beat But I wish that instead your mouth wouldn’t bleat Seriously man it’s become quite the chore Listening to you blame it all on the Dor And I’ve got to say that it’s you that’s kayana If you think that you’re special ‘cause you’ve undergone a Magical change to your body- that’s not newsworthy I hate to break it to you boy- that’s just puberty Wait- What’s this horrid musk that assaults now my nose? Ah, it’s Sixth of the Dusk and the Almighty knows If there’s anyone here who needs to be ‘storm-drenched It’s this un-showered plebe and his crem-awful stench To be honest I’m unsure why you’re even here ‘You think your dinky island is something to fear? What have you got there, big scary Nightmaws? Here we’ve got Chasmfiends with 12-foot wide jaws And it’s hard to be awed by some lame Patji’s Fingers When confronting a god and ten thousand Voidbringers. Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon? Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian! Deepwalkers? Big? Hmph, you’re making me smile Remind me to tell you about the Reshi Isles And oh aren’t you proud of your magical chickens? I had one of those once- Yumm! Them’s good pickin’s! Now don’t worry about your fellow agrarian trappers ‘Cause you’ve just been slain by a septuagenarian rapper! *(Because Galladon’s always salty, get it? Get it???) Edited March 27, 2019 by Herowannabe 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him Posted March 27, 2019 Report Share Posted March 27, 2019 Taking a break a from my long hiatus from the Shard to say, well done @Herowannabe, well done. 17 hours ago, Herowannabe said: Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon? Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian! Brilliant! I also have to say that I wasn't too excited about this round because Sixth of the Dusk and Galladon are two of my least favorite characters in the Cosmere, but such is life. Everytime I hear Sixth of the Dusk's name, I think of the song "Henry the Eighth I am, I am" so I humbly present for your mild amusement (or more likely your extreme stupefaction) Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am: Spoiler I'm Sixth of the Dusk I am, Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am When I was born my pappy did snore Cuz he had kids 5 time before and everyone was a number Wouldn't have a symbol or a vowel (no vowel) I'm his sixth son born at Dusk Sixth of the Dusk I am (2nd verse, worse than the first) A boorish grumpy blow hard Galladon the grump you are, you are You were a farmer who studied the Dor And told Raoden what Aons were for But all your Aons fizzled They didn't have a squiggly little chasm line (no line) As a scholar you're a failure Galladon the bore you are (3rd verse, by far the worst) The imbecilic genius King of Kharbranth you are, you are Your genius plan for the coming war Is kill every single Rosharan before The Void-bringers can get 'em Can't have a murder not by your hand (your hand) Now your subjects all are grinnin' King of the skulls you are, you are (4th verse, kept it terse) I'm Sixth of the Dusk I am Sixth of the Dusk I am, I am I got bonded to a bird named Sak And he predicted all o' your attacks And judging by the corpses I know who the roasted twerp is (twerp is) The Rosharan and the Selish Roasted twerps you are 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted March 27, 2019 Report Share Posted March 27, 2019 1 hour ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said: Taking a break a from my long hiatus from the Shard to say, well done @Herowannabe, well done. 18 hours ago, Herowannabe said: Scared of some death ants there on your Pantheon? Well don’t step on a bug here- it might be an Aimian! Brilliant! Thank you, and right back at you! I sung your roast in my head the whole time (and now, no thanks to you, I’m going to have Henry the 8th stuck in my head for the next 2 weeks) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zath he/him Posted March 28, 2019 Report Share Posted March 28, 2019 22 hours ago, Herowannabe said: To match wits with the wit with which I have been blessed (Say that ten times fast and I might be impressed But best not to try lest you end up distressed) To match wits with the which wit- To match with wits the which with- To mat which with the wits which- No, I'm not distressed at all. Not at all. Just give me a minute. *turns away, mutters to self* To match with wits the wit's witch... Excellent roast, @Herowannabe! The aforementioned death ants - Aimians comparison, salty Galladon, septuagenarian rapper... That was a well-crafted rap, right there. @hoiditthroughthegrapevine, nice parody of that Henry the Eighth I am song! What better way to roast your opponents than with an earworm, so they suffer your insults for weeks afterwards? Imagining the "(2nd verse, worse than the first)" and such in the original song's cheerful, up-beat tone makes me laugh. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted March 28, 2019 Report Share Posted March 28, 2019 5 hours ago, Zath said: To match wits with the which wit- To match with wits the which with- To mat which with the wits which- No, I'm not distressed at all. Not at all. Just give me a minute. *turns away, mutters to self* To match with wits the wit's witch... Yessss.... mission accomplished. 5 hours ago, Zath said: Excellent roast, @Herowannabe! The aforementioned death ants - Aimians comparison, salty Galladon, septuagenarian rapper... That was a well-crafted rap, right there. Thank you! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezzik Posted March 28, 2019 Report Share Posted March 28, 2019 While we wait on felt, we decided to go ahead with the next round! Introducing: @Silva as Frost, @Toaster Retribution as Yokska, and @ILuvHats as Kelsier! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silva Posted March 29, 2019 Report Share Posted March 29, 2019 (edited) Well, definitely not my best work, but it's either this or nothing. Love how scheduling falls out Enjoy...or don't. Spoiler In the histories that will be told, From the martyrs to the footnotes, I’ll most definitely be described as old, And not someone someone dotes. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad fellow. Kelsier and his deception, Make even my purple look yellow. People just seem to have a misconception. He’s not a hero. His death creates a score of The Lord Ruler one, Kelsier zero. Not a person deserving love. Remember that prejudice, Against all with noble blood? It led many to a precipice Falling down into a flood. Causing more problems than he solved. How many deaths were his fault? From Clubs’ he cannot be absolved, Nor Vin’s by default. He has no respect for his betters. Fuzz? What kind of name is that for a Shard? He’d ridicule anything, even my letters, To him everything is simply useless lard. And that’s just with others. His own relation with his family He and Marsh’s relation as brother, Was never quite navigated agily. The man doesn’t know when to die. Hemalurgy doesn’t make you tough, But he sticks a spike through his eye. Getting decapitated must not have been enough. Don’t think you’re off the hook, Yokska the seamstress, Barely making it into any book, Helping Adolin out of one mess. Yokska my dear, You’re looking a little plump, But keep housing fugitives and have no fear, Your body will end up in a dump. I know that sounds harsh, Except it’s the truth, You could live in a marsh And no one would notice forsooth. It’s just a byproduct of being A side character who’s there Just no one bothers seeing Due to your long eyebrow hair. Don’t get me wrong, Being Thaylen doesn’t prevent style, It just can come over a little strong, Especially when around you for a while. History books won’t mention you, You’re an extremely minor player, Aren’t even around long too, Just another plot development layer. You design clothing, You deal with the upper class, And ignore their loathing, That probably comes en masse. Why Sanderson even included A seamstress in Oathbringer Is something on which I’ve brooded, And the answer I came up with is a zinger. He wanted someone who when compared Would make even our good friend Kelly here Not look too bad if polls were shared. You’re just on a very low tier. Frost here running out of time, Hope nothing I said accidentally made you feel pleased, I was hoping for pile of slime, That was about to be permanently freezed. While my metaphors may be subpar, Maybe just above David’s level, Compared to you two I’m not bizarre So long, I’m off to revel. Edited March 29, 2019 by Silva Unbolding 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toaster Retribution he/him Posted March 31, 2019 Report Share Posted March 31, 2019 Wait what? What happened? Am I in this one again? Who is in charge? Why am I Yokska? How do you pronounce Yokska? When is my deadline? Where is WalDo? So many questions... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted March 31, 2019 Report Share Posted March 31, 2019 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: Wait what? What happened? Cosmere Rap Roast Battles is up and running again. 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: Am I in this one again? Yes. 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: Who is in charge? @John203 and I have taken over for Ashspren, who has RL commitments she is dealing with. 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: Why am I Yokska? The twist for this round is that everyone is temporarily switching characters at random with their opponents. The random generator chose Yokska for you. 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: How do you pronounce Yokska? I pronounce it “Yoke-ska” 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: When is my deadline? By my count you have about 26 1/2 hours left. If you need more time though we will be lenient. 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: Where is WalDo? Spoiler 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toaster Retribution he/him Posted March 31, 2019 Report Share Posted March 31, 2019 4 hours ago, Herowannabe said: Cosmere Rap Roast Battles is up and running again. Yes. @John203 and I have taken over for Ashspren, who has RL commitments she is dealing with. The twist for this round is that everyone is temporarily switching characters at random with their opponents. The random generator chose Yokska for you. I pronounce it “Yoke-ska” By my count you have about 26 1/2 hours left. If you need more time though we will be lenient. Reveal hidden contents Wonderful. I might need more time so prepare your leniency. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted April 1, 2019 Report Share Posted April 1, 2019 @ILuvHats: Reminder that tomorrow is the deadline for your Roast! If you need more time or if you can't do it or if you no longer want to participate, please let us know. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ILuvHats he/him Posted April 1, 2019 Report Share Posted April 1, 2019 @Herowannabe I'll have it in tomorrow night, but it might be pretty late. I'm actually pretty lucky I checked the shard today and saw I'm participating in this round since I've been on a bit of a hiatus. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted April 2, 2019 Report Share Posted April 2, 2019 @Toaster Retribution @ILuvHats How’s it coming? What about you, @Felt? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toaster Retribution he/him Posted April 3, 2019 Report Share Posted April 3, 2019 @Herowannabe I can do it if you need to (I’m halfway done writing) but if there is someone who would love to do it they can step in for me, cause my rap will be both short and bad. If not, I am happy to post my own. I also apologize for not being responsive here. It is lent in the Catholic Church, and I am a member there, and thus have chosen to abstain from using internet on my free time, which leads to a minimal amount of Sharding for a while. I can make an exception for the Raps though, if needed :-) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted April 3, 2019 Report Share Posted April 3, 2019 6 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said: @Herowannabe I can do it if you need to (I’m halfway done writing) but if there is someone who would love to do it they can step in for me, cause my rap will be both short and bad. If not, I am happy to post my own. I also apologize for not being responsive here. It is lent in the Catholic Church, and I am a member there, and thus have chosen to abstain from using internet on my free time, which leads to a minimal amount of Sharding for a while. I can make an exception for the Raps though, if needed :-) If you need to step down we understand, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d rather see what you came up with, even if it is “short and bad.” That said, I also have great respect for religious devotion, so take all the time you need. If we need to we’ll just put the voting on hold (like we did for the first match) and get started with the next round. Just let us know please so we can plan accordingly. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toaster Retribution he/him Posted April 3, 2019 Report Share Posted April 3, 2019 4 hours ago, Herowannabe said: If you need to step down we understand, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we’d rather see what you came up with, even if it is “short and bad.” That said, I also have great respect for religious devotion, so take all the time you need. If we need to we’ll just put the voting on hold (like we did for the first match) and get started with the next round. Just let us know please so we can plan accordingly. I’ll have it up tomorrow then :-D If not earlier. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herowannabe he/him Posted April 3, 2019 Report Share Posted April 3, 2019 1 hour ago, Toaster Retribution said: I’ll have it up tomorrow then :-D If not earlier. Awesome. @ILuvHats how about you? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toaster Retribution he/him Posted April 3, 2019 Report Share Posted April 3, 2019 Here you go: Spoiler I am Yokska, and I am a tailor I’ll roast you guys like the sea roasts a sailor So dont think that this will be easy or fun This will burn you like the Rosharan sun First up, Kelsier, a thief turned hero Only, everyone else did the actual work Your plans were bad and that is true Had not Vin been there, TLR would have won quicker than you can say ”flu” Hello there Frost! Please do get lost You are a relic of old days And that can be seen in your old ways You cant catch Hoid And your minions are as useful as a void I could stay here all day But I have better things to do today But roasting you is so easy that I am done spending time on you guys I will go do something useful instead, like trimming my eyebrows, or having a toast For my epic roast Good luck everyone! 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezzik Posted April 8, 2019 Report Share Posted April 8, 2019 Alright, thank you to everyone who participated in our first battle! Voting will be live for 48 hours! https://forms.gle/jDmuyckyFnTeXbrw7 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fezzik Posted April 11, 2019 Report Share Posted April 11, 2019 Our winner is @Herowannabe! See you in the semi-finals! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Ark1002 Posted April 11, 2019 Report Share Posted April 11, 2019 Oh, wow, completely forgot about this 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zath he/him Posted April 11, 2019 Report Share Posted April 11, 2019 Well, Ark, you weren't the only one who forgot, apparently. And unfortunately. Ah well. It happens. Nice roasts, @Silva and @Toaster Retribution! Silva, I especially liked the parts that broke the fourth wall. Serious burns on those ones. (Psst. @ILuvHats. Roast...? Maybe? If you want to?) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paranoid King he/him Posted April 17, 2019 Report Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) Given that two weeks have passed since the deadline, and I'm in a roasting mood, I present: Die, Nobles! Ghostwritten by Kelsier (Because he's dead) Spoiler There are despots and dictators Political manipulatorsThere are blue bloods with intellects of fleasThere are kings and petty tyrantsWho are so lacking in refinementsThey'd be better suited swinging from the trees! He was born under this rule and used his hatred as a fuelto end a thousand years of aristocracyStarting under a slave driverEnded up as the SurvivorThe quintessence of perfection that is he! Spoiler Okay, this is the real me: Not this: This! Not this: Winner! Loser! Okay, see this city? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out: Butler! Chef! Theme song guy! Oh yeah! Lord Ruler wasing the despot Kelsier and him then fought Singlehandedly destroyed inquisitee Having famous sidekick Vin Never lost determined grin And the ruler of the empire lost to... ME! What's his name? Kelsier..... Kelsier..... Kelsier.... Kelsieeer.... Edited April 18, 2019 by Paranoid King 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zath he/him Posted April 18, 2019 Report Share Posted April 18, 2019 8 hours ago, Paranoid King said: Given that two weeks have passed since the deadline, and I'm in a roasting mood, I present: Die, Nobles! Ghostwritten by Kelsier (Because he's dead) Hide contents There are despots and dictators Political manipulatorsThere are blue bloods with intellects of fleasThere are kings and petty tyrantsWho are so lacking in refinementsThey'd be better suited swinging from the trees! He was born under the rule and used his hatred as the fuelto end a thousand years of aristocracyStarting under a slave driverEnded up as the SurvivorThe quintessence of perfection that is he! Hide contents Okay, this is the real me: Not this: This! Not this: Winner! Loser! Okay, see this city? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out: Butler! Chef! Theme song guy! Oh yeah! Lord Ruler wasing the despot Kelsier and him then fought Singlehandedly destroyed inquisitee Having famous sidekick Vin Never lost determined grin And the ruler of the empire lost to... ME! What's his name? Kelsier..... Kelsier..... Kelsier.... Kelsieeer.... That... was beautiful. The monologue part (or aside, or whatever you want to call it) in the middle especially got me. So perfect. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paranoid King he/him Posted April 18, 2019 Report Share Posted April 18, 2019 Thanks, Zath! Full disclosure, though, like half of the lyrics are pulled directly from the original song. I'm still hoping @ILuvHats shows up with the real roast. But if not - @John203, @Herowannabe, when can we start the next round? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.